Key Points
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Discussing sex is vital to your pleasure and relationship satisfaction.
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Simply asking your partner if they're satisfied after the deed isn't enough to maintain healthy sexual communication.
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Partners should discuss sexual history, boundaries, desires, fantasies, frequency, and ways of having sex.
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You're responsible for your own pleasure — make sure you tell your partner what you want and listen to their desires too.
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Openly discussing sex not only revolutionizes your sex life but countless other aspects of your relationship.
Why are people typically more willing to have sex than talk about sex? Start having a more satisfying sex life by openly discussing sex with your partner.
Are you satisfied with your sex life? Does your partner agree that you guys get hot and heavy as much as they would like? Does your partner know your favorite way to have sex? What's your partner's biggest fantasy? Most people don't talk to their partner enough about sex, especially when the relationship progresses and establishes into a partnership. You fall into a routine for your daily life and your sex life.
The honeymoon phase starts with passionate nights, spontaneous sex, and intense sexual tension over dinner. Before you know it, you're pretending to be elbow deep in a book because you're not in the mood to have sex tonight and you know your partner will ask when they crawl into bed. When was the last time you and your partner discussed your sex life in depth?
Discussing your sex life shouldn't stop at a simple check-in to see if they're satisfied enough. Do you like to leave a restaurant feeling full enough to survive, or full and satisfied that you just had an amazing meal? Now apply this same principle to your sex life.
Discussing sex tends to be more difficult than actually having sex. Why are you more willing to get naked with someone than vocalize what you want to do when you're naked? People often get nervous and awkward when discussing foreskin and g-spots over coffee. Personally, I think it's a fun (and important) conversation to have. After chatting about something "taboo" a few times, it becomes normal.
Sure, I know sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship, but it's pretty damn important to keep you and your partner intimate and connected.
Other Relationship Problems
If your sex life is lacking in your relationship, there are likely other aspects of your relationship that are struggling. When there's miscommunication about sex, this means there's miscommunication about plenty of other things.
Psychosexual and relationship therapist, Krystal Woodbridge, says that poor communication surrounding sex “is often a sign that you are communicating badly about everything. If a couple comes to me with a sexual problem, it’s rarely just about that one thing. For example, someone with low desire may have been harbouring 20 years of resentment about something else.”
Good communication about sex is just as important as other parts of your relationship. If you find that your communication is lacking in many avenues, consider seeing a relationship therapist to heal old wounds and discover new, effective communication techniques.
In the meantime, start openly discussing sex and improving your sex life to feel more intimately connected.
How To Start the Discussion of Sex
The sooner you start talking about sex in your relationship, the easier it'll be moving forward. If you discuss sex with your partner before you even have sex, it becomes a natural part of your intimacy. Although, it's never too late to start discussing sex!
For Established Relationships
If you've been together for a long time, but don't discuss sex with your partner, it's tricky to start. There are a few common approaches to make this less nerve-wracking for you:
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Play a couples' game together. There are countless couples' games on the market that facilitate intimate moments and conversations. This is a fun way to start discussing sex with your boo.
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Set a date to chat about sex. Tell your partner that you want to discuss your sex life, and ask when is a good time for them to sit down and talk. Careful not to make it sound like they're in trouble! Maybe let them know it's good news by asking them to bring condoms or lube.
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Role-play like you just met one another. Not the sexy role play — well maybe after the discussion. Pretend like you're just meeting one another and discussing your desires. This pushes you and your partner to focus on the future, independent from your existing sexual routine.
For New Relationships
It's usually easier to bring up the conversation of sex early in a relationship. There are plenty of new things going on, making it smoother to discuss an unfamiliar topic. Try some of these techniques to break the ice:
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Ask your partner what their ideal sex life looks like. This question sparks many different aspects of the sex conversation and you get a good insight into your partner's priorities.
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Ask your partner about their sexual boundaries. This provides them an opportunity to open up about their personal preferences without feeling ashamed of bringing them up themselves. Plus, this opens the door for you to express your boundaries after!
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Express your desires by simply stating "I was wondering what it would be like if you [insert fanasty]. Would you want to try that?" Perhaps start with something like car sex or toys, and build up to Daddy kinks and threesomes when you're more comfortable with each other.
Sexual History
If you're just starting with this person, make sure you add sexual history to the discussion's agenda. This includes STI status, contraception, sexual practices, and more. It's important to share this information with a sexual partner to protect your sexual health and be aware of any risks regarding infections and pregnancy.
Discussing sexual history and practices is vital to have safe sex. Avoid infections and unwanted pregnancies while breaking the ice of sex talk.
Consent and Boundaries
Is it okay for your partner to choke you during sex? Are you interested in anal sex? Does your partner need to use a condom for oral sex? Be clear about what your boundaries are with yourself and your partner.
Setting clear boundaries before engaging in sex is the most effective and comfortable way to set things straight. It's harder to say no to something in the heat of the moment, even if you don't want to do it.
"I'm not interested in anal sex, but sometimes I like to be rimmed. I'll let you know when or if you can touch my anus."
"I really enjoy giving blow jobs, but I don't want you to cum in my mouth."
"I don't like to be touched on the back of my thighs."
Only you decide what your sexual boundaries are. If you have a hard time setting boundaries in the bedroom, practice setting boundaries in other scenarios. For example, tell your mom that you can't take phone calls after 11 p.m. Tell your friend that you won't go to the bar where your ex frequents. As you become more comfortable with expressing your needs and boundaries in other parts of your life, it gets easier to set your boundaries in the bedroom.
Remember that you can change your mind about something any time you want. If you initially told your partner that you want to play with spanking, but changed your mind mid-hump-session, tell them. "I don't want to be spanked anymore." Everyone's boundaries and consent deserve respect.
Consent is extremely important in sexual encounters. Whether it's a one-night stand, a friend with benefits, or a life partner, respect each other's consent and only do things within their realm of boundaries.
You don't need to explain your boundaries. If you want to provide more information, then go ahead, but don't feel obligated to explain yourself. Even just an unexplainable feeling that you don't enjoy something is a good enough reason to set a boundary against it.
Do you know what your partner's boundaries are? Do they know yours? You've probably learned over time if you've been together for a while, but it's still important to vocalize these boundaries with one another. They're probably different than you expect!
Pleasure
What do you like? What do you dislike? What's the best way to rub your clit? Where do you want kisses during foreplay? Do you like your balls squeezed or stroked during sex?
Before having sex with someone, I always ask them about what they like and dislike. I'm always shocked by men's shock at this question. I typically get the reply, "Nobody has ever asked me that before," and they don't know how to answer.
Everyone is responsible for their pleasure. It's not your partner's fault that you didn't have an orgasm. It's not your fault that your partner didn't have an orgasm. Did you tell them how to pleasure you? Do you know how to make yourself orgasm?
Discovering your own body and pleasure is even more important than knowing how to please a partner. Each body is unique. While there are classic techniques that work for fingering the g-spot in a "come hither" motion or twisting your hands around a penis for the Gluck Gluck 9000, everyone has their preferences.
Masturbating is the best method to find out what you like. Take your time exploring your body with your hands and different toys to see what feels best for you. Rather than focusing on a quick orgasm, as many people do when masturbating, focus on discovering your body. The better you understand your pleasure, the better you'll teach a partner how to pleasure you. Sure, make yourself cum after too. The sexual tension will be intense!
I had one man tell me exactly which points on his penis he likes stimulated in which way. How hard to squeeze and twist, how much lubrication, when to switch the technique for variety, etc. He impressed me with his knowledge about his pleasure I felt so much more comfortable with him since I understood exactly what he likes. I didn't have to guess and hope he enjoyed what I was doing. That makes me so nervous!
Learn what you enjoy sexually to tell a partner what pleases you. Not only will you get more comfortable with one another by discussing this, but you're guaranteed better sex. What could go wrong?
Frequency
How often do you want to have sex? How much does your partner want to have sex? What's the best time of day for you to have sex?
You may not even know the answers to your preferences for frequency and time of sex. It's common to have a sporadic libido, especially for women due to hormonal changes. Pro tip: most women have the highest sex drive when they're ovulating.
What do you do when you're in the mood? What if your partner isn't in the mood when you are?
My partner has a higher sex drive than me. I'm not sure how he does it, but he's ready to bone at least once a day. I just can't keep up! At times when he's in need but I'm not in the mood, I offer alternative options that are available to me. This could be kissing him and touching him while he masturbates. I set a boundary of how my partner can touch me, although I usually want more once we get going. He requests things that turn him on more, like watching porn or touching parts of my body.
A common reason I don't want to have sex at certain times is that I'm not in the mood for penetration. I have a lot more pleasure from clitoral stimulation, and penetration doesn't always appeal to me. Rather than turning sex down completely, I ask my partner if he's interested in mutual masturbation or oral sex. We have had some of our most passionate and satisfying sessions like this!
Discuss with your partner what you both want to reach satisfaction in a way that's available to you at that moment. This could also be you leaving the room for them to masturbate alone! Be open to their suggestions and respect one another's consent.
Offer to wait until you finish reading your book, let them know you're too stressed about work this evening, or find alternative ways to pleasure them that are comfortable and exciting for you. If you're not in the mood to have sex when your partner is, simply tell them.
Sex Is Not Just Vaginal Penetration
When you think of sex, do you imagine a penis entering a vagina? While this is the most effective way to make a baby, it's not the only way to have sex. There are countless other ways to find pleasure between partners with non-penetrative sex! There's endless pleasure from countless activities. Think of anyone in the LGBTQ+ community where this dynamic isn't even possible, they're certainly still having amazing sex.
One major topic to cover with your partner is what they define sex as. Here are some ways to have satisfying sex beyond vaginal penetration:
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Playing with toys like vibrators, dildos, strap-ons, fleshlights, or masturbator eggs.
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Giving and/or receiving oral sex.
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Masturbating at the same time, perhaps helping each other or touching each other.
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Using your hands to pleasure one another.
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Dry humping and exploring what feels good.
Discussing what you define as sex saves a lot of miscommunication and brings a whole lot of pleasure. Having alternate options to penis-in-vagina sex means more frequency and variety in your sexual satisfaction.
Fantasies
Ah, the magical world of sexual fantasies. Fantasies range from simple dirty talk and praise kinks to full-blown role-play theatrics and sadomasochism. Discussing fantasies with a partner helps you understand each other more and perhaps even incorporate your desires into the bedroom (or wherever you want to have sex).
Be open-minded and accepting of your partner sharing their fantasies. Just as you want them to listen to your desires without judging you, they deserve the same. Expressing a fantasy doesn't mean you have to participate in the fantasy.
Some fantasies are better left as fantasy rather than becoming reality. After all, if I live out my fantasy of having a threesome with Rihanna and A$AP Rocky, what will I fantasize about from now on? What if it's not as good as I imagine? I would rather keep that in my fantasy world. I mean, did you see how good they looked at Paris Fashion Week at the end of June 2023? Wow.
Set a ground rule with your partner that this is simply a safe space to share your sexual fantasies, and neither of you has to partake in them or even comment on them. Start slow with a mild fantasy, and work your way up to more intense ones.
It's so amazing to learn about your partner's desires and share your own. Perhaps you even share a fantasy or discover something new you want to try!
What Are You Waiting For?
Well? There's no better time than the present to improve your relationship and sex life. Buy a couples' game to break the ice, tell your boo you want to discuss your sex life over wine tonight, or — even better — send them this article so they can learn too!
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