Years ago, popstar Rihanna released a song called S&M which most likely had your teenage self singing and dancing along to lyrics you didn’t comprehend. Nowadays, we bet that song takes on a different meaning in your adult mind. Sadomasochism (referred to as S&M) is sexual in nature and involves mixing pleasure with pain. But while some may simply see sadomasochism as a freaky sex kink, others may associate it with something more sinister. To be fair, it’s a little bit of both. To truly understand sadomasochism, it’s important to know its origins as well as what it really means to practice it safely. While Rihanna was right about the chains and whips, sadomasochism has so much more to offer.
What Is Sadomasochism?
Sadomasochism is defined in the Oxford dictionary as a “psychological tendency or sexual practice characterized by both sadism and masochism.” The term sadism comes from 18th-century author Comte Marquis de Sade, who wrote about erotic sexual cruelty. Sadism means to find sexual pleasure from feelings of power, control, authority, and from the suffering of their sexual partner. A sadist may desire to punish the object of their sexual desire by inflicting pain, control, or subjecting them to forms of humiliation (Christian Grey being a very soft form of this, if you will).
Masochism originates from 19th-century author, Masoch, who wrote novels depicting sexual pleasure from pain, submission, and humiliation. Masochism means to find pleasure or enjoyment from suffering pain and humiliation at the hands of a sadist. Most of our early knowledge about S&M behavior comes from the famous neurologist Sigmund Freud and German psychologist Kraft-Ebbing. Sadomasochism behavior was studied in a more clinical setting and thought to be a psychopathological disorder. It wasn’t until the 1970s and 1980s that sadomasochism became known for being, well, merely a sex thing.
Why Do People Like Sadomasochism?
Why do people like to hurt or be hurt during sex? Isn’t that, well, abusive? According to one survey, 64.6% of women and 53.3% of men reported fantasies about being dominated sexually. Meanwhile, 46.7% of women and 59.6% of men reported fantasies about dominating someone sexually. That’s either a lot of men and women with psychological issues or people who are having a good time in bed. More recent studies would suggest the latter, as they’ve found that people who engage in sadomasochism have relatively good psychological health. So, then what is it about sadomasochism that’s so appealing?
It’s Roleplay
One aspect of sadomasochism is roleplay. Sadomasochism allows people to play out parts that they may not normally get to in real life. Quite often people in powerful or important positions use sadomasochism sex play to de-stress. They may enjoy being a masochist because they can relinquish control to their partner. Taking on the role of submissive releases the burden of responsibility or guilt. It can also evoke feelings of vulnerability and dependency which may increase feelings of intimacy. Sadists, on the other hand, may enjoy their part in the play because it gives them an opportunity to be in control. It gives them a chance to enact authority that they might not have elsewhere in life.
Allows You To Live Out Sexual Fantasies
We all have sexual fantasies but many of them we would not actually want to live out. For example, rape fantasies are common among both men and women. But this does not mean that women want to be raped or men want to be a rapist. There are certainly disturbed individuals for whom this might be true. But for most people, that’s not the case. A rape fantasy for women can symbolize a way to give up control or guilt over sexual pleasure. Many women have been socially conditioned to believe sexual desire is inherently “bad” or immoral. Thus, they feel shameful for wanting to be an active participant in sex. A rape fantasy absolves them from any guilt or willing participation in the act. Basically, they get to have the pleasure without that deep-rooted, misogynistic slut-shaming held over their head.
Sadomasochism sex play can allow sexual partners to live out their fantasies of control and submission in a safe, enjoyable way.
Sadomasochism Is Exciting
Many couples like to experiment in bed to keep things interesting. Sadomasochism sex play is an exciting way to test boundaries in the bedroom. The pleasure one receives from pain could be in part due to endorphins and other hormones released when pain is inflicted. Physical pain or other bodily sensations may intensify pleasure received from sexual stimulation. Sadomasochism sex play can heighten your sense of physical awareness. You will remain focused on bodily sensations instead of being in your head (and fuck if that isn’t a problem in itself).
Sadomasochism Increases Intimacy
Though on the surface sadomasochism may seem like the opposite of an intimate sex act, it’s even more intimate. Sadomasochism sex requires there to be trust between both partners. While the sadist’s role in sex play is to inflict pain, they don’t hurt their partner. Sadomasochism sex play is not abuse. It is a consensual sex act that is meant to be enjoyable for both partners. The sadist has the responsibility of knowing their partner’s limits and respecting them. A masochist gives up control to their partner but only does so wisely. If you are participating in sadomasochist sex play, it should be with a partner you trust and care about. For romantic partners, sadomasochist sex play can intensify their relationship by building trust and intimacy. After all, what is more intimate than giving up or taking complete control of your partner? Barry White playing in the background is cute and all, but a nice slap in the face brings a sort of intensity to the bedroom, doesn’t it?
What Does Sadomasochistic Sex Look Like?
Sadomasochism is part of the acronym, BDSM. BDSM stands for bondage, domination, sadism, and masochism. Bondage refers to the act of physically restraining, gagging, or blindfolding your partner during sex. Domination refers to overpowering your partner either physically or psychologically. BDSM is a sex kink with a huge following (Fifty Shades of Gray, to mention that again). Participants of BDSM may engage in varying intensities of sadomasochism using props, toys, costumes, and more. So, what exactly do they do in the bedroom?
Bondage
BDSM couples may use a variety of different bondage techniques during their sex play. Bondage can include restraining the wrists, feet, or whole body. There are special bondage rope techniques one can learn to tie their partner safely and effectively. These techniques vary in intensity for restraining the submissive partner either partially or in some cases, entirely. Restraining the submissive partner during sex leads to an even greater sense of release and vulnerability. They will be completely at the whim of their partner, which is exciting for both parties. Other forms of bondage include handcuffs, Velcro restraints, or collars.
Domination
The domination aspect of sadomasochism sex can be both physical and psychological. Psychological domination could look like the dominant partner berating their submissive by calling them dirty names. They could make their submissive partner refer to them as “Master” and refer to the submissive as their “slave”. They may humiliate the submissive partner by “forcing” them to perform sex acts on them or “forcing” them into submissive sex positions. The domination aspect of sadomasochistic sex lets the sadist have their fun and exert their control.
Sadism
There are many ways in which the sadist can inflict pain upon their partner for mutual pleasure. In BDSM, sadist sex acts include spanking, choking, nipple pinching, tickling, slapping, or forceful penetration. Again, the intent of these acts is not to permanently injure or harm the submissive partner. How much pain is inflicted depends on the submissive partner’s tolerance levels. Different people enjoy different levels of pain. Also, sadomasochism couples don’t necessarily use all of these techniques, just the ones they prefer.
Sensory Play
Sensory play during sex can heighten the feeling of sexual stimulation. Sensory play can include blindfolding, pouring hot candle wax on the skin, nipple clenching, temperature play, flogging, scratching, and more. Blindfolding, for example, can heighten your sense of awareness. When you’re blind, your other senses (such as touch) will be on alert. You’ll feel bodily sensations more intensely. Plus, you won’t be able to see what your partner is going to do next, so every touch will be unexpected. Other sensory play acts like hot wax on the skin, nipple clenching, etc., stimulate your senses in ways you’re not used to. The feeling of these new sensations coupled with sexual stimulation will send every nerve in your body into overdrive. For the submissive partner, these sensations are both frightening and exciting at the same time.
Understanding Sadomasochism Sex Play
On the surface, sadomasochism sex play might look frightening, abusive, or morally wrong. But that’s exactly what most people get wrong about sadomasochism. While some of the sexual acts do in fact mirror acts of sexual aggression or assault, they’re not. Sadomasochism sex play done between two consenting adults is not sexual assault or morally wrong. But that’s not to say every person who engages in sadomasochism sex play does so for all the right reasons. Safety during BDSM sex play is extremely important.
Sadomasochism Should Be Consensual
Let’s be clear, any sex act without consent is assault. There is no grey area between consent and rape. If it’s not a 100% “yes”, then it’s assault. If you and your partner are curious about engaging in sadomasochism sex play, both partners must be on board. Make sure both of you can consent (while sober) to sadomasochism sex acts before initiating them. Speak with your partner beforehand about what both of you are willing to try. Maybe you are turned on by the idea of hair pulling or spanking but hate the idea of being choked. It’s important for you to let your partner know what you like or dislike before you have sex.
And if you agree to a sex act beforehand but change your mind midway through, tell your partner to stop. If your partner doesn’t stop, that’s assault. You are allowed to change your mind at any moment during sex if you are uncomfortable. The use of a safe word is crucial here for this reason. Your partner is expected to adhere to your needs, even during sex play that’s aggressive in nature. The keyword here is “play”. Sadomasochism is meant to play-act sexual aggression. It is not true sexual aggression or abuse. Make sure you are with a partner who understands this concept before engaging in sadomasochism sex with them.
You Don’t Have Problems
For many adults, sadomasochism sex play is liberating. Sadomasochism sex play allows adults to live out their sexual fantasies and experiment with testing their boundaries. It is an enjoyable sex act for both partners. If you enjoy aspects of sadomasochism, it doesn’t mean you have psychological problems. It may just mean you are open to new things and there’s nothing wrong with that. That’s not to say that everyone who engages in BDSM does so for healthy psychological reasons. For some people, their sadomasochism tendencies may be how they process past sexual trauma. But that’s not the case for most people. Sadomasochism tendencies don’t make you a bad or violent person. If two parties are of age and consenting, there’s nothing wrong with liking BDSM.
It’s Not For Everyone
Does something about sadomasochism make you uneasy? Then it’s not for you. That’s fine because it doesn’t have to be. When it comes to sex, we all have different likes and dislikes. What turns us on varies greatly from person to person. While there’s something to be said for being open to new ideas (you never know until you try), never feel pressured to do something you don’t want to do. If sadomasochism doesn’t turn you on, then don’t incorporate it into the bedroom. You are not boring or lame for not wanting to do something that makes you uncomfortable. Everyone is entitled to their limits. There are plenty of fun and exciting sex acts to try that don’t involve rape fantasies, gagging, choking, etc. Try one of those instead.
How To Talk to Your Partner About Sadomasochism
Are you curious about trying out aspects of sadomasochism in the bedroom? You’ll first need to get your partner on board. Maybe broach the subject post-sexy time while your partner is relaxed and receptive to conversation. Talk to them about the things they did in bed that you really liked. Then casually suggest certain sex acts you’ve been interested in trying. Explain to them what sadomasochism is and how you think it could benefit your sex life. Let them know why you’re interested in trying these sex acts and how much you’d enjoy it if they are willing.
Go Slow
Let your partner know that if they agree to try BDSM role play with you that you can start slow. Enacting a scene straight out of a hardcore BDSM porn movie might be intimidating, for both of you. Instead, start with the simplest and more playful aspects of sadomasochism sex play. If you like being submissive, ask your partner to lightly pull your hair during sex. Or bring out a pair of furry, non-intimidating handcuffs for restraining your wrists. As you and your partner become more comfortable with BDSM, you can make each session more intense.
Choose A Safe Word
Because of sadomasochism sex play’s aggressive nature, words like “No” or “Stop” could be mistaken for part of the role play. BDSM couples often agree on safe words beforehand so they can signal to their partner when they’ve reached their limit. A safe word can be any word you want that you say in place of “No” or “Stop”. Couples may choose words that are very obvious or absurd like, “Orangutan”, that will get their partner’s attention. A safe word is an added element of safety to sadomasochism sex play.
Talk to Them About What You Are Both Willing To Do or Not Do
Before you and your partner engage in BDSM, know what each of you is willing to do or not do. Sit down and write a list of sex acts you want to try, acts you would be willing to try, and acts that you absolutely won’t try. It’s important that both of you understand and respect each other’s limits. Knowing your limits beforehand will save both of you from upsetting and hurting your partner during BDSM sex.
The Takeaway
Sadomasochism sex play is a consensual sex act that mimics sexual aggression for sexual pleasure. Adults who enjoy being either a sadist or masochist don’t necessarily have mental health issues or past trauma. Many couples with sadomasochism tendencies are completely normal people with fun and exciting sex lives. There is nothing wrong or immoral about liking a little bit of pain with pleasure. You are part of a large percentage of people who agree with the sentiment. If you and your partner want to incorporate sadomasochism into the bedroom, have at it. But, as always, stay safe and have fun.
