Key Points
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Emotional maps are blueprints of how you function on an emotional level.
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Disassociation is one of the most popular ways people who're unhappy in their relationships express themselves.
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Progressive desensitization is a crucial strategy for rewiring your emotional map.
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Partners who are "equally yoked" connect on a deeper emotional level.
The problems people face at the beginning of any relationship aren't issues. Let me elaborate. When honestly analyzed, the perceived problems, especially during the introductory phases of a relationship, aren't that big of a deal in the grand scheme of life.
For instance, most of us learned how to walk and talk at a very young age. We can call ourselves experts in those two domains. Yet, when walking up to someone we consider attractive and striking up a conversation, many flounder beyond belief.
We grow up watching rom-coms and other sentimental forms of media involving kissing. Most of us have had a first kiss ourselves, at the very least. We're exposed to this endearing act in large quantities but struggle to find the right time to kiss the subject of our affection.
Most couples get past these minor obstacles only to find themselves unhappy. Gone are the deep feelings of excitement. Lost are the days of oxytocin-riddled experiences.
Take Taylor Swift and Matty Healy. While Ms. Swift needs no introduction, not everyone is familiar with Matty, a member of the band The 1975. The power couple split up in June after a tumultuous month of romance, growing unhappy with each other.
So, what contributes to the lack of joy you now feel? The reason is simple: your emotional map is starkly different from your partner's.
Emotional Maps
An emotional map, simply put, is the series of experiences an individual went through that left an indelible impression on them. It's a series of micro and macro traumas that shape and define you.
These experiences imprint themselves into your psyche, becoming the blueprint for how you experience intimacy, love, and sex.
For example, if your parents were overprotective or seldom around, that impacted how you show and receive intimacy and love. If your siblings demeaned you and peers tormented you, they influenced your self-concept. If your first significant other died, that's going to be imprinted on your mind in ways that affect future relationships.
This makes it so taxing for many people, especially those with familial woes growing up. Our intimate lives are directly linked to our emotional needs, which we start to develop as kids. So, when you find yourself in a potentially intimate situation, those past experiences rub up against those prior traumas, leading to anxiety, stress, tension, and pain.
That's why rejection hurts as much as it does. It doesn't feel simple; it feels like you're reliving every instance you've ever been rejected. Per psychologist, Melanie Greenberg, Ph.D., "Interpersonal traumas or chronic rejection can create toxic shame, an emotion that's very destructive for any relationship."
Almost every emotional outburst, insecurity, or irrational fear you showcase in your relationship is an imprint on your emotional map from the relationships you had growing up.
Disassociation: The Byproduct of Emotional Maps
When people grow unhappy in their relationships, they employ various strategies to deal with their emotions. One of the most popular approaches is disassociating from those feelings, which can be done in a variety of ways.
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Game-playing and manipulation: When you're afraid to show your most authentic self or find yourself in a relationship where you're grown weary of trying, engaging in game-playing or manipulation is common. It's an easy way to avoid opening up and showcasing what your emotional map looks like. The chief goal is to avoid unearthing emotional scars.
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Objectification: Another way to dissociate from emotions is to objectify your partner. Objectifying a person is seeing them for a specific purpose, usually one that benefits you. You can objectify someone as a professional/work object, a sexual object, a social object, or something else.
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Overusing bantering, jokes, or teasing: This is an easy way to make it seem all is well in your relationship when things are awry. The goal is to distract your partner, throwing them off any trail that may lead them to the truth — that you're dissatisfied. To avoid this, you use humor to communicate, saying a lot and nothing simultaneously, all in service of creating superficial good vibes.
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Prostitution, pornography, and strip clubs: The point here is to experience your sexuality in a detached way. You get to reap some of the benefits of sex without having to expend any emotions.
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Sexism: It's easy to view the other sex as evil, inferior, or problematic, especially when unhappy in your current relationship. Instead of confronting your internal issues, you deflect, making men or women seem as if they're the problem or cause of your emotional state.
Rewire Your Emotional Map
Emotional maps are complex. The hardest part is building awareness to reflect on your issues and make changes. Figuring out where to start or what approach to take is difficult, especially when it's new to you.
Fortunately, several strategies make rewiring your emotional map less daunting.
Develop "Higher Order" Behaviors and Feelings
One common misconception about working through emotional baggage is that the feelings will disappear completely. Anxieties, fears, traumas, and other deep-seated negative emotional experiences are imprinted on your brain in the same way as habits.
Like developing the physical habits of brushing your teeth or making coffee as part of your morning regimen, you have emotional habits, like becoming irate or growing morose whenever you feel lonely or undesirable.
The trick to replacing those tendencies is consciously replacing them with "higher order" behaviors and feelings or emotionally stable, mature modes of conduct.
So, instead of freaking out and leaving emotional voicemails when your significant other doesn't immediately call you back, find a healthy outlet to express your rage — swing at the air, go for a walk or run, journal, or try my personal favorite — the gym.
Use Progressive Desensitization
Progressive desensitization requires gradually exposing yourself to the subject of your anxieties. As you slowly become accustomed to being around the sources of your fears, you become desensitized, no longer registering a negative emotional response.
Say, for example, you're quickly anxious in social situations and have difficulty meeting new people. You understand the importance of socializing and its impact on your well-being but struggle to overcome your nerves.
Take baby steps by practicing saying hello to a few strangers daily until you're comfortable. Add a layer by asking a few passers-by how they're doing after saying hello. Take things a step further by starting conversations with people throughout your day — at the gym, in the park, or at a lounge.
Be Upfront and Honest
The final step comes after you've mastered channeling negative emotions in healthy, constructive ways to learn how to function despite your anxieties. Be upfront and honest about your needs with the people you date.
I'm not advocating for dumping all your emotional baggage onto them during the first day or the beginning phases of a relationship. I'm simply suggesting being vulnerable enough to express those needs and why you have them.
Mention how much progress you've made to avoid scaring people off. If that isn't enough, then recognize that that person probably wouldn't have the emotional bandwidth to "meet you where you're at."
The point here is to practice being upfront until it's natural while simultaneously screening the people you date to see if they'd be an excellent emotional fit.
When You and Your Partner Aren't "Equally Yoked"
What does it mean to be "equally yoked?" Simply put, it's being on the same page as your partner, operating in a constant state of synchronicity. You're on similar levels emotionally, financially, intellectually, mentally, physically, and spiritually.
Though outsiders may deem you unfit together, you know your partner like the back of your hand. More importantly, the musings and opinions of others don't phase you or impact your affinity for your significant other.
How does this connect to emotional maps?
If you aren't equally yoked with your partner, it'll make connecting emotionally impossible, and strife and animosity replace any amicable relations. After all, no one wants to remain in a relationship where they aren't understood, especially emotionally.
You need to be able to connect with your partner on a deep emotional level — amongst the various other ways — if you want to maintain intimacy. If you and your partner differ too much in this regard, you won't see eye-to-eye, another core component of equally yoked couples. A lack of emotional connection makes it relatively easy for unhappiness to develop a stronghold in your life.
Consider moving on or building a platonic friendship if this applies to your current partnership. You need someone with an emotional map that parallels or compliments your own.
An Invitation To Evolve
My emotional map, at its worst, was riddled with anxiety, fear, insecurities, and paranoia. I'm the byproduct of two serious relationships that came to brutal endings, both involving infidelity.
I overcame those traumas through journaling, meditating, and therapy. It took an outside voice for me to realize that, despite dating women who couldn't remain faithful, I'm not automatically worthless or devoid of value. There were many nights spent in tears, walking, or taking my anger out on my body in the gym.
Slowly, I began to feel unburdened by the experiences that led to those breakups. When I'd hear their names brought up, I wasn't automatically filled with anxiety, anger, or dread. I eventually reached a point where, before relocating to Chicagoland, I could be in the same room as either of them without registering an adverse emotional reaction.
I urge you to take stock of your emotional maps. Doing so will help you find more happiness within yourself and your relationship. Are there triggers that immediately elicit a negative response out of you? What anxieties, fears, or traumas do you lug around daily? How do these issues impact your intimate relationships?
Interested in going a step further? Consider these 11 signs of an emotionally healthy relationship when analyzing your own. You may find pain points that need to be addressed. Hopefully, those pain points will become the building blocks for pleasant discussions and a renewed zest for your union when done right.
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