How To Talk to Your Partner About Sex Toys

Key Points

• If you want to introduce sex toys into the bedroom, approach your partner during a non-sexually charged time to openly discuss the matter.

• Reassure your partner that you enjoy having sex with them and introduce the idea of expanding your exploration through sex toys.

• Be open and receptive to your partner's perspective on sex toys, rather than trying to convince them to see it your way. 

• When exploring new things in the bedroom, create a safe space with boundaries, communication, and consent.

Do you and your partner play with toys together in the bedroom? Do you play with toys alone when you masturbate? Are you interested in adding adventure, enhanced pleasure, or novelty into your sex life? Sex toys are a powerful tool to increase pleasure in the bedroom through new sensations. 

Societal stigma tells us that the use of sex toys indicates that you and your partner aren't doing a good job of pleasing each other. Let go of this misinformation and appreciate sex toys' ability to make your toes curl. Unless you can naturally make your fingers vibrate, a human simply can't replicate the sensations of a vibrator. So, start exploring the magic of sex toys! How do you talk to your partner about this?

Opening the Conversation

Approaching the topic of sex toys with your partner is a bit scary. You don't want to hurt their feelings or get rejected. With the right approach and ample information, open the conversation of sex toys with your boo to start exploring in the bedroom.

Hopefully, you and your partner already openly discuss your sex life. It's impossible to know how pleased they are or what they want if you don't have a conversation about it. Having an open dialogue about your sexual health, desires, fantasies, and consent is liberating. By understanding your partner's thoughts about sex, you open the door to endless possibilities of sexual satisfaction and emotional connection. 

To introduce the idea of using sex toys in the bedroom, choose the right time and setting to bring it up. Don't have this conversation when you're having sex or even when there's sexual tension rising. Decide to have the conversation during a neutral encounter, over lunch, or when you're spending quality time together. This reduces frustration or emotional involvement in the conversation. It's hard to be objective when you're sexually charged!

There are a few approaches you can take, depending on your personal views of the situation and your relationship dynamic. The most important point is to approach the topic with interest and curiosity rather than complaining about your partner's performance or critiquing your current situation. Remember that sex toys are here to improve your sex life, not replace it or fix it.

Try some of these openers to get the ball rolling:

• "I really enjoy exploring pleasures in the bedroom with you. What do you think of incorporating some sex toys to make it even spicier?"

• "I'm so turned on by the thought of you using a vibrator on me. Does this turn you on?"

• "I love how you felt inside of me last night in this position. I want to recreate this with a vibrator on my clit so I get double stimulation. Do you think that would turn you on too?"

• "I have a fantasy about BDSM with blindfolds or handcuffs. Have you ever fantasized about us getting a bit kinky?"

• "Sometimes when I masturbate I use a butt plug to give myself a full feeling and it brings my orgasms to a whole new level. I'm interested to find out how it would feel during sex with you."

Be honest about how you're feeling and approach the matter with a positive, encouraging outlook. Your attitude of seeing sex toys as an exciting new factor sets the tone for the conversation. Remember to present your ideas without demanding something from your partner or having an expectation of their reaction.

Understanding Your Partner's Perspective

Prepare for any outcome from your partner. They could get uberly excited, throw you your jacket, and head to the local sex toy shop. They could feed into your fantasy and want to look into it more. Perhaps they haven't considered this before and need time to think it over. If your partner is open-minded and pleasure-oriented, they're likely to enjoy the thought of using a toy together. However, you must accept their perspective as it comes.

Be direct and clear in telling them what you want. Don't tiptoe around the subject or be wishy-washy in your desires. Clearly express your wishes to your partner and be open to compromising with their perspective. If your partner is against the idea, don't argue with them. It's great to share your perspective and honor theirs, but don't force them to do something they're uncomfortable with. 

Remain sensitive to your partner's feelings on the matter. As there's a stigma around using sex toys, many people feel it's a reflection of their abilities in the bedroom. Prepare to reassure your partner that you're loving your sex life and are simply looking for a touch of novelty and a way to grow closer to one another. If your partner is on board and ready to play, it's time to pick a toy!

Choosing the Right Toys Together

Now that you've decided to open this door of possibilities, it's time to find the right toy for you and your boo. First, discuss your fantasies and desires about sex toys. Are you looking to add some clitoral stimulation during penetration? Do you want to explore domination or BDSM? Do you want to try anal play or double penetration?

Your preferences and genders play a role in deciding which toys are best for you. Some toys are for penis owners, such as prostate massagers and cock rings. Some toys cater specifically to vaginal G-spots or clitorises. Other toys are perfect for any couple, such as blindfolds and nipple clamps. If you know what sensations you're looking to add to the bedroom, this makes your exploration a bit easier. If you're not sure where to start and are just looking for adventure, start exploring your options.

Head to your local sex toy shop and start looking around. Come out of your shell a bit and talk to the people who work there. They typically have a thorough understanding of their available products to guide you in the right direction. Sit down at your computer with your partner and scroll through different options to see what excites you. Send them a link to something you found and see if they're interested in trying it. 

A popular toy for couples to start with is a cock ring. These toys are simple, straightforward, and an easy introduction to the power of tools in the bedroom. Cock rings hug tightly at the base of a penis, sometimes with an additional loop for the testicles or an attached vibrator. Cock rings feel good for the wearer as they stimulate more blood flow to the shaft and head of the penis, increasing sensations. This often also feels good for the receiver, as the ring or an attached vibrator makes contact with the clitoris or even perineum (depending on the anatomy of the receiver).

Other popular options for sex toys for couples include lay-on vibrators, strap-on dildos, butt plugs, wearable clitoral vibrators, finger vibrators, prostate massagers, wearable panty vibrators, sex furniture, anal beads, handcuffs, blindfolds, and way more. There's also a recent emergence of couples' vibrators with features for any gender and couple.

There are endless options for sex toys available online, and truthfully, any toy that you like on your own is useful for a couple. If you and your partner engage in non-penetrative sex, you can enjoy the pleasures of toys that you use alone during masturbation. Show your partner how you use it on your own, or let them explore and see what you enjoy the most. 

Creating a Comfortable and Safe Space

Any consensual sex is good sex. The key to enjoying your time in the bedroom together is creating a safe space. It's normal to feel nervous or perhaps intimidated when exploring something new. Ease this troubled mind by ensuring you and your partner feel comfortable exploring together.

When you have a safe and comfortable space to explore sex toys with your partner, you get to reap all the benefits of using them. Find new satisfaction and sensations through your toy. Deepen your physical intimacy as you create new memories together. Feel emotionally connected as you see and support one another in a vulnerable state. Get excited about trying new ways to pleasure one another. 

Having a safe space to explore with your partner ensures a smooth introduction of sex toys into your relationship and fosters bonding with your partner. Your relationship gains more sexual satisfaction, deeper intimacy, and even more emotional trust. Have fun exploring while ensuring each other's comfort and consent!

Exploring Boundaries and Consent

Before whipping out toys in the bedroom, have a conversation about expectations and boundaries. What are you fantasizing will happen with this toy? What do you not want to happen in bed? Do you have a safe word? Set the tone of exploration and enjoyment before beginning, and keep open communication as you progress. You don't need to narrate the entire interaction, but checking in is key to enjoyment and comfort.

Society often praises people for being easygoing and malleable. However, there's no need to impress anyone by pretending you like everything. Setting boundaries and giving consent is key to a safe and enjoyable sexual experience. Before you even start foreplay, discuss boundaries and consent with your partner. Yes, this even applies to couples who have been together hundreds of times. 

According to doctor of human sexuality and sex podcast host Dr. Emily Morse, "Maybe it goes without saying, but do check in along the way. Yes, even if you’re having sex with your long-term SO! Phrases like– 'How’s this?', 'Can we __?', 'Can you ___?' Asking for consent does a few cool things. First, it shows your partner that you care about them and their experience. Second, it helps each of you attune to your desires. Third, it prompts an enthusiastic YES if they’re into it! So while there’s nuance depending on your relationship, avoid the temptation to assume. Consent questions are both ethical and sexy."

You're not inconveniencing anyone by setting sexual boundaries. Rather, you're setting a clear image of what you want for you and your body. Likewise, be open and receptive to the boundaries your partner sets. When your partner respects your boundaries, you feel free at the moment and have the confidence to safely explore with your partner. 

A boundary can be as simple as telling your partner not to bite your finger or pull your hair. Your boundaries are unique to you, and only you can decide them. For example, you may be open to your partner putting a finger in your anus, but they must give a warning first. Tell your partner where you like or don't like touch. Tell them certain positions that are off-limits to you. Whatever your boundaries are, make them clear. Ask your partner what their boundaries are too.

Remember that you can retract consent at any time. If you initially thought you were into your partner handcuffing you, but you feel uncomfortable halfway through, tell them. There's no need for you to be uncomfortable to please someone else! 

Top Toy Recommendations

Now that you know how to ask your partner if they're interested, start looking for toys and set boundaries for your encounter. If you need some inspo about what toys are best for you and your boo, explore these options to see what's most exciting. 

Vibrating Cock Ring

If someone with a penis is in your sexual venture, a cock ring is a perfect toy to introduce into the bedroom. They're simple and universally loved. There are endless options for cock rings, including simple silicone rings that hug the base of the penis, others with an additional ring for the testicles, some with a butt plug, and most popularly with an attached vibrator. Another interesting style has a sleeve up the shaft of the penis to provide texture to the receiver of penetration.

Some cock rings are rather complex with all of these features. For starters, decide what you and your partner like most. For straight couples, a vibrating cock ring is most ideal. For gay couples, a ring with a prostate massager is quite popular. Chat with your partner to see what interests them most, or treat yourself to one that gets your blood pumping.

MoonSoil 3-in-1 Vibrating Cock Ring features a loop for the scrotum, a ring that hugs the base of the penis, a massager under the scrotum for the giver's pleasure, and a clitoral vibrator for the receiver's pleasure. While this is mostly for straight couples, there are plenty of opportunities for any penis owners to wear them with any partner or even on their own!

Photo Source: Amazon

SpareParts Hardwear Harness

SpareParts is a popular line of harnesses to strap dildos to. This brand was created by lesbians who know what they're doing when it comes to strap-on dildos! These harnesses focus on security and comfort for the wearer. With no difficult straps and buckles, they fit more like underwear and feature Velcro for easy adjusting.

Styles include everything from thongs to boxer briefs to suit your style and comfort. Most even have an internal pocket to include a vibrator for the wearer, if they're into that! Equip your harness with the proper-sized stabilizer to suit the size of your dildo. Choose a harness on its own or buy a combo pack with a dildo already included. 

Strap-ons aren't just for lesbians. Any couple that wants to explore a new style of penetration can benefit from a strap-on. Peg your partner or play with double penetration! If you prefer a more classic style harness or you're just getting started and not sure where to start, try Lovehoney's Triple Strap-On Dildo Set for a variety of options and a solid introduction to harness play. Don't forget the lube!

Satisfyer Endless Fun

One of the most diverse sex toys for couples is the Satisfyer Endless Fun. This toy is perfect for any gender during masturbation or partnered sex. It features a dildo-like extension, with a thicker bulb at the top for stimulating a G-spot or P-spot. The end of the shaft has a rotating, flexible, open ring. The device has three motors that you can use together or independently, depending on your desired angle and sensation.

The open ring wraps around the testicles and allows a man to wear the vibrator for double penetration with a partner. The ring also keeps the vibrator in place as the shaft vibrates on the partner, serving as a large cock ring. The ring vibrates on the tip of the penis or can be manually stroked up and down the shaft for a unique sensation.

Use this toy on its own as a dildo or clitoral vibrator. It's also perfect for stimulating the nipples with gentle, tickly vibrations. Use it on your own with a partner of any gender and get creative! Satisfyer boasts that this toy has 29 possible applications, but I believe there are way more options once you become acquainted with the device and get creative.

Make a Wish List

Talking to your partner about sex toys should be fun and exciting, even if you're a bit nervous to start the conversation. Approach them with love and fascination, highlighting the joys of the experience without critiquing your current sexual ventures. Once you decide that toys are right for you, choose the right one for your dynamic and desires. Create a safe space with communication and consent, then enjoy exploring together!

For more advice on using sex toys with a partner and more product recommendations, subscribe to Cupid's Light.