Relationships, no matter how amazing, are complex. Sometimes the intricacies get the best of us, causing us to lash out. Other times, familiarity or routine dampens desire, effectively snuffing out the flame that once ignited your relationship.
Take, for instance, the recently released film You Hurt My Feelings, starring Julia Louis-Dreyfus (Seinfeld, Veep) and Tobias Menzies as her husband. The couple's marriage is in jeopardy after Beth (played by Dreyfus) overhears her husband giving a brutally honest (and unpleasant) review of her latest book. They go through an arduous journey to get past the ramifications of what his review, combined with an inability to come clean when confronted, does to their relationship.
Regardless of what led you there, lacking a spark in your relationship is detrimental, creating distance between two people who want to grow closer. If this applies to your relationship, consider the following five ways to rekindle the flame between you and your partner.
Fast From Sex
This may seem counterintuitive toward rekindling intimacy, but it works. For couples who've been together for a significant amount of time, sex can feel like a chore, making true desire or yearning seem worlds away.
According to psychologist Suzanne Gelb, "While there are many factors that can put a damper on intimacy and affection between partners, like unresolved anger and resentment, a lack of intimacy and desire can result from conflicting schedules, big life transitions (like a new baby), or plain boredom."
Start by picking a day you and your partner don't have any obligations. Spend the entire day together. If you express any form of physical affection, limit it to cuddling, hand-holding, hugging, or kissing.
The point is to build as much tension as possible before engaging in any sexual activity. Doing so reignites the passion in ways you haven't considered.
Take a Trip Down Memory Lane
Do you remember the beginning stages of your relationship? The butterflies in your stomach when you started to get to know your partner? The excitement and euphoria from the wealth of experiences you shared?
Revisiting those experiences, feelings, and memories is a great way to rekindle the spark in your relationship. Aim to focus exclusively on the positive. Reliving anything negative only serves to drive a bigger wedge between you and your other half.
Defuse Conflict With Fun
Every couple is bound to experience conflict in their relationship. It's the inevitable result of two distinct people coming together to work toward common goals. You won't always see eye-to-eye or immediately understand your partner.
Smart couples know that conflict, when handled properly, leads to mutual growth. The key is to address the issue(s) head-on before they spiral out of control. Finding a way to do so that incorporates fun goes a long way. After all, handling conflict with a solemn demeanor makes those taxing moments even more draining.
Whether it's talking in a childish voice, doing a ridiculous dance, or peppering in jokes while venting about the issue(s) at hand, the more light-hearted and fun you can make addressing conflict, the more you associate these tense encounters with positive emotions. This better enables you to deal with future conflict.
Try New Things Together
Has going out lost its allure? Does date night feel repetitive and stale? Then start engaging in new activities together!
Part of what makes the beginning of any relationship so memorable is the "abundance of newness," or the ample experiences you and your significant other partake in together. Some refer to this as "new person excitement."
As you grow together, falling into routines or taking each other for granted becomes normal, creating unnecessary tension — all while you reminisce about the good old days. So, instead of dwelling on the past, find new activities you can both enjoy.
Participating in an activity together, especially when it's new, stimulates oxytocin, the feel-good hormone released during bonding. This is a great way to rekindle the spark lost in your relationship.
Build a Happy Memory Bank
All couples are destined to face tough times together and as individuals. Those "dark night of the soul" moments make finding the positive or remaining optimistic incredibly taxing. The deeper you tumble down this rabbit hole, the more arduous getting out of it becomes.
Cut the negativity off before it can germinate by creating a happy memory bank. A happy memory bank is exactly what it sounds like — a collection of genuine, meaningful, positive memories from varying points in your relationship. The memories can be shared or individual (the best practice is to take a Venn diagram approach, creating space for you, your partner, and shared memories).
Be as detailed as possible. The goal is to have something visual to look at to remember and appreciate the good in yourself, your partner, and your relationship. The more memories you highlight, the harder it becomes to fall into another rut or take your partner for granted.
How Bright Is Your Spark?
In a perfect world, relationships would be as easy as they are in Disney movies. Love wouldn't possess the plethora of complexities it does, and sparks would burn eternally within each partner's soul. Unfortunately, none of that is the case.
Going through rough patches, dry spells, or tumultuous terrain is part of any relationship. It's healthy, even. What isn't healthy, however, is allowing any of that to negatively impact your relationship, creating rifts between you and your partner.
By now, you have at least five effective ways to reignite the spark in your relationship. Interested in taking additional steps to improve the connection between you and your significant other? These eight games aimed at boosting intimacy are a great place to start.
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