When you start exploring the physical side of your romantic relationship, you may find yourself wondering if the person you’re sleeping with is just going through the motions and actually interested in you, or if they’re feeling the same intimacy you are and making love to you; if there are signs that he is making love to you.
The term making love might sound corny to our modern generation, but there’s nothing silly about knowing what your sexual partner is feeling in regard to your relationship! There are lots of behaviors that point to a relationship that’s more of a casual fling versus the beginnings of true love. So, if you’re curious about whether he has strong feelings for the physical intimacy you’re bringing in the bedroom, or if he’s just in it for (amazing) casual sex, look for these signs that he is making love to you.
Is Sex Different than Making Love?
Before we dive into the details, the first thing you need to know is that “making love” is just another way to say sexual intercourse, the difference being how we have sex. The phrase making love is typically associated with romantic relationships that have a deeper physical and emotional intimacy. Simply put: it’s not just casual sex, it’s a sexual connection that has the potential for a long-term healthy relationship.
1. He Engages in Foreplay
In our modern world where so many of us are swiping for love and sex, it’s way too easy to match with a guy who’s only in it for his own personal gain. What makes the act of lovemaking so important is that it shows us there’s a major difference between someone who is sleeping with you for their own pleasure, and someone who is in love with pleasuring you. If he is spending time engaging in foreplay that you enjoy, that’s a great sign that he is making love to you.
Foreplay, and Why It’s a Big Deal
Foreplay is the sexual activity that happens before sexual intercourse. It helps prepare both the body and the mind for sex, and it can look like a lot of different things, like kissing, playing with your hair, and touching. Starting with foreplay can make sex more comfortable and more enjoyable. In fact, even something as easy as kissing can release “happy hormones” like oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin- these three chemicals all together help to lower our stress hormone (cortisol) and boosts feelings connected to bonding, affection, and love.
When it comes to foreplay, find a guy who is willing to put in the time and attention that you deserve. Even better is when you connect with someone who remembers the foreplay from your previous sexual encounter and continues doing the things he knows you enjoy. Remember, foreplay is no little thing; it’s an excellent sign that he is making love to you.
Get Creative in Bed
The early stages of any relationship are all about getting to know your partner as much as it is about teaching your partner how you like to be touched and treated. If you’re struggling to incorporate foreplay into your new relationship, there are lots of easy things that you can try! While you’re relaxing on the couch, take your time playing with his hair or gently rubbing the back of his neck. Tell them that you love it when they say how much they want you- imagine being out on a romantic walk, you share a kiss, and they tell you how much they love your mouth; that’s foreplay!
One of the more exciting parts of a new relationship is discovering how their body reacts to different stimulation, and talking about what makes you feel good is a great way of getting to know each other and into the mood. Something else you can try, if you’re feeling a little adventurous, is trying a blindfold. The sensory deprivation makes even the littlest touches tantalizing, and it can be an amazing way to take your time getting to know every inch of your person. If the guy you’re dating is open to a little teasing, and to making your pleasure important, it’s a very good sign that he is making love to you.
2. He’s Affectionate
It’s easy to slip into self-gratification mode and just do what feels good for you, but when a partner takes their time with you, and listens and responds to your body language, it shows that they are invested in your physical pleasure in that intimate moment, and that they place importance on your sexual needs.
Acts of Affection
Love and affection can look like a lot of things; we have a whole set of Love Languages that show just how varied people can be! Looking at these it may seem like some of these don’t translate to the bedroom, but let’s take a deeper look at Love Languages and how using them to show affection can be a sign that he is making love to you.
Okay, so this one is a little on-the-nose. Touching is so important when it comes to showing physical affection. Tell your partner how you like to be touched, or even sexier, show them how you like to be touched. Ask if they’ll be vulnerable with you and show you how they like to be touched. A sure sign that he is making love to you is if he is willing to be open with you about touch, and touch you in ways that make you feel good.
Let’s think outside of The Lonely Island‘s “dick in a box” idea. If you’re someone who relates getting gifts to love and affection, there are lots of ways to make this happen. Things like lubricant, toys you can use together, toys you can use solo, erotica, boudoir sessions, or even something as simple as bringing a quality tie that you can use as a blindfold, all make for fantastic sexy gifts that also point to your guy being invested in you and building a romantic relationship.
Acts of Service
This love language is a big one and is frequently discussed by people in the kink community, but should be practiced by everyone having sex: after care. We have foreplay to kick things off and get our bodies ready for sex, but after care is the time spent after having sex that’s devoted to snuggling, talking, and taking care of one another.
When you’re with someone who prioritizes you even after the sex is over, it brings you closer together and shows you that you are still loved and valuable even when you aren’t engaging sexually. Simple acts of service like bringing you a towel to clean up, getting you a glass of water, bringing you your glasses, or making sure your phone is plugged in before you go to bed are all positive signs that he is making love to you.
Really think about how you have gotten into bed with your partner. Was it after a planned date where you two had a real connection and spent time getting to know each other, or does your time together usually begin with a “u up” text? Does he like to spend time with you after you’ve fooled around, or does he leave soon after? If he’s putting in quality time to get to know you, where you get his undivided attention, it’s a sign he is making love to you.
Words of Affirmation
Words of Affirmation in the bedroom can take sex to a whole new level! If he’s complimenting you, telling you that he likes that way you touch him, kiss him, that you smell or taste good-these are all things that not only affirm he’s enjoying himself, but that he is enjoying you. Beyond that, he’s also paying attention and staying in the moment with you. It’s a very good sign that he is making love to you, not just to hit it and quit it.
3. He Communicates & Listens
Communication is crucial for a healthy relationship. When you’re having sex with someone, it should never feel like his last text that just said “kay.” You want the text or the phone call later that night that asks if you got home okay, that says he really enjoyed spending time with you, and do you want to try that Peruvian restaurant you mentioned earlier? These actions come from someone who listens, retains information, and expresses care for you and are all major signs that he is making love to you.
Look for the ways that he engages with you physically, verbally, and emotionally. If you’ve got yourself a guy who’s more interested in his own pleasure or playing games, it’s not a sign he’s making love to you, but it is an indicator of something more casual… or worse, forgettable.
When you’re in the heat of the moment it can be hard to assess, but if your partner isn’t physically engaging with you or doesn’t feel present, it can be an indicator of a couple of things, like nerves, or over-stimulation, and could also be a sign that he’s just not that into you. If he isn’t responding to your body, or moves in ways that prioritize his pleasure and comfort without taking yours into consideration, that’s a man who isn’t engaging with you physically.
Something else to pay attention to is a partner who is willing to try new things. This doesn’t even have to mean that he’s adventurous or kinky! Having someone who isn’t afraid to try a new position, or touching you in a way that you prefer is a sign that he is making love to you because it shows he’s willing and excited to make you feel good.
When it comes down to sexual intimacy, the most important verbal engagement is consent. Remember that consent is not only sexy, it is also mandatory, and a man who asks you if you want to be intimate is a man who is respectfully engaging with you. Simple questions like “is it okay if I kiss you?” can make a moment jump from romantic to capital H, Hot, in no time at all.
Engaging with you verbally in bed can also be asking you what feels good and not taking it personally when something doesn’t feel comfortable. If he’s asking you what you like to do in bed, what your limits are, if you would feel more comfortable having a safe word, or if there’s anywhere you specifically don’t want to be touched. All of these questions are signs that he is making love to you because he is proactively taking note of how to care for you.
Emotional engagement can be a little harder to detect for some, and it’ll look different for everyone. Similar to beauty, or art, emotional engagement is subjective because it’s all about how you feel. Emotional engagement in bed can look like boundaries being respected or not trying to force play that you’ve already said is off-limits. It can also look like cuddling after sex, or checking in with you after to make sure you enjoyed yourself. Ask yourself, “when I have sex with him, do I feel cared for?” If the answer is yes, it can be a good sign that he is making love to you.
Honesty Is the Best Policy
From the very beginning of your relationship, whether it’s the first date or your 69th, communication means nothing if it isn’t honest and sincere. With honesty also comes vulnerability, and a guy who is okay opening up and showing you his sensitive side is incredibly sexy, but is also part of how long-term relationships are built. Someone who is genuine about their wants, needs, and where he sees your relationship going is someone who is more likely to make love to you than make you wonder about his intentions.
4. He Pays Attention
Another great sign that he is making love to you is wrapped up in his attention- specifically, how he pays attention to you while you’re getting intimate. Men who are only interested in hooking up aren’t necessarily going to take their time with you, because they may only see you a handful of times before moving on to their next casual date. To put it simply, emotional investment is really hard and can be particularly scary for men who have been more-or-less socially trained to prioritize sex over intimacy.
What does attention look like while making love? Attention while lovemaking can look like a man who makes eye contact, who doesn’t just close his eyes and let his fantasy do the work. The magic of eye contact during intimate moments can trigger our feelings of love, makes use feel connected, confident, and can intensify your sexual chemistry. If he doesn’t shy away from a little eye contact in bed, it’s a very good sign he is making love to you.
5. He Makes You a Priority
There’s a good chance he is making love to you if he actively makes you a part of his life. When the person you are most intimate with wants to make sure you’re taken care of, safe, or just having a good day, it makes us feel special. When we keep our bar of what we’ll accept from our partner on the ground, we can’t be surprised when we get dirt. So, seek out the person who calls or messages you back, who respects your boundaries, makes plans with you, and makes it a point to be a part of your life, because the person who makes you a priority is the one making love to you.
Being a priority in someone’s life means you’ve just leveled up your intimacy. It’s being with someone who wants to impress you and make you feel happy and included, but won’t love-bomb you or make you feel guilty when you need to slow down or set a boundary. A guy who makes you a priority is someone who pays attention to the details, remembers the intimate moments you’ve shared, and is curious to learn more about you.
The Difference Between Sex & Making Love
When it comes down to it, the act of making love is all about the intimate and genuine connection between you and your partner through sex. It’s expressing your feelings and being emotionally and physically vulnerable with someone you care about. If any of these 5 signs he is making love to you rang true for your current love interest, but you want to be extra sure, the only way to really know is to just ask! True love doesn’t happen overnight, so remember that relationships take time, emotional attachment, and honest conversations– and a healthy sex life certainly helps as well.