Key Points
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Common reasons to divorce your husband include communication issues, infidelity, abuse, and unalignment of goals.
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It might be time to divorce your husband after exhausting all efforts to fix your marriage, and you no longer see a happy future relationship.
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Reframe your perspective of divorce being a failed marriage to the end of one of life's chapters.
Two people fall in love, get married, and live happily ever after — or do they? Divorce affects everyone at some point, whether as an observer, a relative, or a spouse. Successful marriages require hard work from both people; when you've exhausted your efforts to fix a relationship, it's probably time to divorce your husband.
Divorces bring heartbreak and uncertainty about the future. Where do you live now? Who has custody of the children? Are you financially capable of living on your own? Making this challenging decision alters your whole life, but the change does not need to be negative or scary. Take the opportunity after you divorce your husband to make a fresh start in your life and find a more fulfilling personal path.
Divorce
Divorce is a complicated process that must go through the court system. It is often very emotionally trying.
The legal process depends on the state and country where you reside but typically involves a divorce petition, notifying your spouse, negotiating a settlement agreement, and attending court hearings to iron out all the details. If you have children together, it complicates things even further.
The legal process gets messy and often causes additional turmoil between the two ex-spouses.
There are countless reasons someone decides to get divorced. Usually, one party makes this decision, but it's much easier when it's a mutual decision between partners. Unfortunately, divorce often turns two ex-lovers against one another, especially when a court requires one person to be "at fault."
There are extreme circumstances of violence or adultery that direct blame toward one spouse.
It takes two people to make a relationship work. No marriage is perfect; they all have their ups and downs. Realize when there are too many downs in your relationship and work to improve it, but know when to call it quits.
Divorce signifies the end of a significant and committed relationship, which is emotionally challenging because it displaces your entire life. You lose your partner, must divide all your assets, and compromise your — and your kids — steady life and routine. It's often really scary to dive into a new life after marriage.
There are so many opportunities for growth after a divorce. Eventually, you overcome the hurt feelings and hopefully find gratitude for the fresh start.
Deciding to get a divorce is not an easy choice. Weigh all your possibilities before leaping to divorce and ensure it's genuinely what you want. Frequent a marriage counselor to explore your options and go through the break-up as amicably as possible.
Reasons for Divorce
Every marriage has unique beauty and turmoil. Although there are personal reasons that lead to divorce, most causes boil down to similar problems.
Some top causes for divorce include communication breakdowns, infidelity, a shift in goals, or abuse.
Communication
Communication is a crucial building block in all relationships. Clear and honest communication is essential to a thriving relationship. Failing communication leads to misunderstandings, frustration, and the buildup of negative feelings.
When communication crumbles, the relationship often does as well. Poor communication represses your feelings. Communication issues start small, typically with a lack of sharing your latest thoughts. Oftentimes it includes swallowing your hurt feelings or getting angry with your partner for not listening. These minor issues build up over time, damaging the trust and intimacy of a relationship.
Failed communication is a silent killer of relationships. Minor issues snowball, tension builds, and it can be difficult to unravel. If your marriage is suffering from a lack of connection, explore the possibility of mending poor communication.
Improve your communication in your marriage with a marriage counselor facilitating healthy communication. These experts also teach spouses how to do it on their own at home.
Skills to improve communication include active listening and clear expression. Validate your partner's feelings when they open up to you rather than being dismissive or defensive. Express your feelings through "I feel" statements, avoiding a blameful delivery.
Lack of communication leads to divorce when the damage is too deep to rebuild, and there is no possibility of seeing eye to eye. It's best to seek help at the first signs of turmoil rather than waiting until the damage runs too deep.
Infidelity
Cheating is often a deal breaker in marriages. Infidelity is a breach of trust in a relationship where one person engages in an emotional or sexual affair. A couple decides the unique terms of their commitment — mostly commonly monogamy — and infidelity is a breach of these agreed terms.
It's emotionally devastating to discover your spouse has cheated. The betrayed partner feels deceived and unworthy. The personal heartache of a cheating partner is challenging to work through and takes time to heal.
If your spouse was unfaithful to you, lean on your friends for support and consider going to therapy. Journaling, exercise, and other forms of self-care may work in healing the emotional turmoil during this time.
Infidelity damages the trust in a relationship, and rebuilding that trust is time-consuming and challenging; it's possible but requires both people to invest massive amounts of time and energy.
Keep an open and honest communication channel to let your partner know your thoughts and feelings. Consider seeing a marriage counselor for more productive conversation and tools to work through infidelity.
However, it's quite common to view infidelity as insurmountable in relationships, especially in a marriage. Be honest with yourself and your partner about forgiveness and forward progress. If it's a deal breaker, begin the separation process.
Shift in Goals
Goals for career, hobbies, family, and lifestyle change over time, and everyone changes differently. Throughout a marriage, it's common for each person to shift their goals.
Ideally, new goals still align, and you share a dream or find a way to blend harmoniously. Unfortunately, this is not always the case, and many couples find themselves trying to compromise or sacrifice some goals to make a marriage work.
A common cause of divorce is a shift in goals later in life that splits the couple. Perhaps your husband no longer wants to have children, but you yearn to be a mother. Maybe you decide to travel the world after all the kids move out for college, but your husband wants to stay put. Perhaps you disagree about what town or country to call home.
Aspirations that align at the beginning of marriage are not guaranteed to stick. It's normal and healthy for people to adjust their priorities and goals over time. Compromise with your spouse to continually realign your goals. Consider seeing a marriage counselor for planning advice.
Sometimes new goals are too different to maintain your marriage while both people get what they want.
This is one of the most complex ways to decide to end a marriage, as the issue does not lie in the relationship but rather in the individual's visions for the future.
Marriage signifies that you want your spouse in your future forever. However, sometimes different goals prevent this from being possible and lead the relationship to its end.
Abuse
Domestic abuse is a severe and intolerable issue, including physical, emotional, verbal, and sexual abuse. If your spouse abuses you, seek safety, help, and plan for divorce.
Abuse destroys trust and intimacy in a relationship. The relationship damage is rarely repairable, and there is nearly always another occurrence. Abusers do not change and are likely to inflict more damage on a victim that sticks around.
Victims struggle with emotional damage, trust and intimacy issues, a lack of self-esteem, and PTSD. Take care of yourself and find resources to heal from your traumatizing experience.
Abuse creates an unsafe and scary environment for a victim. Fear and trauma make it incredibly challenging for a victim to leave a marriage because of a power imbalance, feeling trapped, and helpless.
There are many online and community resources available; take care of yourself and find a support system to assist you in escaping your abusive marriage. Celebrate your divorce after freeing yourself from an abusive spouse.
Abuse of any kind is never okay. There are resources, support, and individuals out there who can help you. In the USA, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is always available at 1-800-799-SAFE. If you or your children are in danger, immediately call law enforcement.
Growing Apart
Growing apart from your spouse is a slow track to divorce. Over time, couples have different interests, hobbies, values, and priorities. When these lifestyles no longer match one another, a lack of connection appears.
When couples do not share quality time or interests and no longer create experiences together, they create a disconnect that causes them to drift apart.
Upon noticing the lack of intimacy, couples that work together may be able to rekindle their love. Work through your differences to determine if reconnection is possible.
Growing apart from people is a natural course of life, and it's heartbreaking to experience this within a marriage. Remember that your partnership was beautiful while it lasted and was simply not meant to last forever.
This divorce stressor is frequently amicable and tender, and partners often end the relationship on good terms.
Separating from a spouse is a disconnection that may yield the opportunity for personal growth and new connections. If there is an unbridgeable disconnect with your husband, divorce is probably the best thing for each partner's emotional and mental well-being.
Is It Time?
Choosing divorce is a personal decision without a clear-cut answer as to the right time. The only person that can decide if divorce is the right route is you.
According to divorce expert Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, "Many people describe having one moment when they calmly recognize that they will not ever be able to have a healthy or sustainable marriage with their partner. They generally describe that they knew this for months or years, but it crystallized in one specific moment. Usually, this moment feels calm because you finally know exactly what you are going to do. Other emotions come up, like sadness, but generally, there is less anger when you finally make your decision."
The timing depends on many unique factors in your life and relationship — specifically, the reasons for wanting a divorce. The most important question to consider is whether or not the relationship is recoverable. If you no longer see a solution or future in your relationship, it's most likely time to end it.
For fixable turmoil, work with your spouse to address the issues; both partners must fully commit to repairing the relationship for it to work. Practice healthy and direct communication to connect. See a marriage counselor for advice and guidance through your reconciliation.
It's time for a divorce after exhausting all your possibilities in reconciling the relationship. It may be time to leave if you don't see changes — or feel it has gotten worse.
Be honest with yourself about your future wishes and how you want to lead your life. It's devastating to admit that you no longer wish to be with your spouse, but this decision is in your best interest if you're in an unhealthy marriage. Focus on your mental well-being and learn to live for yourself again.
Signs Your Marriage Might Be Over
Only you know when your marriage is over, and while making this decision is nearly impossible, good things come after moving on from an unfulfilling relationship. Seeing a marriage counselor is incredibly helpful in working through relationship issues and making this life-altering decision.
If you're having a hard time knowing whether or not your marriage is salvageable, pay attention to some big signs.
No Improvement
If you and your partner have worked to improve your relationship for a long time without any progress, divorce is probably your best option. Stay committed and diligent in trying to make the relationship work, but know when to call it quits.
If your problems have worsened, heed this telltale sign that things are probably not going to improve.
Don't give up too quickly — especially if you're both all in to make it work — but recognize when it's time to move on to something better for each of you.
Dreading Time Together
If you and your spouse start to feel like it's a chore to spend time together rather than a blessing, the relationship is no longer serving you.
Sure, you get comfortable in a marriage and aren't particularly ecstatic to see each other all the time. However, if you dread date night or coming home to your spouse, this is a sign that you need to seriously consider divorce.
Consider why you feel this way to determine if there is room for improvement. Perhaps you think your partner doesn't listen to you. Maybe they keep pushing you to have sex when you're not in the mood. Perhaps they just get on your nerves now, and you no longer want to be around them.
Whatever the reason, explore the possibility of a solution before concluding that you need a divorce.
Lack of Intimacy
A lack of intimacy in marriage indicates that things are not going well. A lack of intimacy is usually due to a lack of communication, lost interest, or other underlying issues. Explore what is causing your lack of closeness to improve the issue by addressing the source.
It's common to believe you live in a happy marriage with everything you need — except for sex. This is a sign that there are other issues within the relationship that you're ignorant of or simply ignoring. Communication and emotional connection issues often cause a lack of intimacy.
Explore underlying causes if you rarely — or never — share physical and emotional intimacy with your spouse, and work through these issues together. If you get to the point of no recovery, consider a divorce.
Feeling Trapped
A divorce is a good option if you feel your husband is holding you back. Live your life independently and do the things that fulfill you. If your partner is resentful or in the way, this relationship is not for you.
A marriage is a union between people who spend their lives together but maintaining your own life while married is essential. The trapped feeling is a huge hint that you're in an unhealthy marriage.
Address the issue with your partner constructively by discussing what you're missing from your life. Perhaps they'll surprise you and work to fill the void. Maybe it's time to get out of your cage and spread your wings.
What's Next?
Marriage is symbolic of sharing your life with someone forever, but the narrative switches when you decide to divorce; the course of your life is now open to endless possibilities.
After deciding to proceed with a divorce, it takes a long process to cut ties with your ex-spouse and heal your emotional wounds.
Expect to go through some of the following steps while separating your lives:
Separation
It's common for couples to opt for divorce after testing the waters with separation. This option allows both partners to reflect upon their lives together and apart. Other times, separation is the first step on the path to divorce.
Separating demands you adjust to life without your spouse. If you feel it's the right choice to cut ties for good, file for divorce and tell your ex-partner.
Legalities
Divorce requires enduring the legal process. Prepare for lawyers, court hearings, assets, and increased tension between you and your husband. Remain as friendly and fair as possible during this process to lessen the emotional burden.
Separating Assets
Part of the legal portion of divorce is separating your assets. Ideally, you'll come to a mutual agreement. However, you may require lawyers or mediators to find a fair way to split your assets.
If you have children together, you must decide what works best for your kids. Consider their wishes and avoid your ego. Courts make the final decision in the custody of children during a divorce.
Living Arrangements
Changing your living arrangements is one of the most significant adjustments. You're in a routine of living with your spouse, and you'll need to adjust to living without them; this likely includes moving out of your current home.
Make the most of this fresh start. Find a nice place to live — within your budget — or move in with family while you get back on your feet. Try the new city you've dreamed of living in.
Finding a new home might be difficult if you depend on a spouse's income, but courts often grant alimony to financially-dependent people. Work to find your independence, lean on your loved ones, and seek community assistance if you cannot afford to live on your dime.
Emotional Healing
Divorce comes with emotional turmoil and heartbreak. Allow yourself to feel your entire range of emotions and utilize healthy outlets to overcome this difficult time. Experiencing all the feelings that come with your split is vital in moving on.
Take time to grieve the loss you experience, and avoid feeling guilty for your grievance or ignoring the issue.
Release any resentment you feel toward your ex-partner. It's normal to have intense negative feelings about someone during a divorce, but moving past these feelings is essential. When you're ready, try to honor and respect your ex-spouse again.
Focus on the future; you now have a life to create in any way you wish. Be excited for the new opportunities ahead rather than upsetting yourself over past events.
Practice self-care in any capacity. Make sure you eat well and nourish your body, start a gym schedule, or take a weekly yoga class. Take up a new hobby, set aside time to take a bath each evening, make fun plans with friends, or take a solo trip.
Seek help from your loved ones and consider visiting a professional. Therapists are fully equipped to guide you through the emotional rollercoaster of a divorce. Allow a professional to guide you through releasing your most complex emotions and finding a fulfilling path.
Emotional healing after divorce is a process, and there is no set timeline because it's unique to everyone. It gets easier over time, but you'll still experience difficult days. Be patient with yourself and diligent in your healing.
Living Single
The final adjustment in moving past a divorce is learning to live single once again. Seek happiness in your single life after ending a long and meaningful relationship, and find the beauty in navigating the world solo.
Establish new routines for a fresh start. Set a new goal for work, grab a gym membership, or become a regular at a different coffee house. Don't let go of your passions, but find new things to incorporate to help establish your new life.
Prioritize other relationships when you're no longer married. Lean on your friends and family for extra emotional support, and spend more time with them. Meet new people and establish friendships to further accentuate your fresh start.
Take your time when entering the dating world. Become comfortable being on your own, and move past the emotions of your ended marriage before diving back into a relationship.
Untie The Knot
Divorce is a bad word to many people, and it's an unexpected end to a lifelong commitment. Don't look at your divorce as a failed marriage but rather as an end of a specific era.
If your relationship ends in a divorce, the marriage was simply not meant to be. Focus on the beautiful parts of your time together when you imagine the experience as a whole.
Enjoy your second chance at life and make the most of your hard times. Divorce is the end of one chapter in your life, turn the page and begin the next one!
For more relationship advice, visit Cupid's Light.
