It’s a tale as old as time. Cinderella is notably the most famous example. Along with every other fairytale where a poor, young maiden marries the handsome, rich prince. Hypergamy relationships have existed since the dawn of time, you could say. Marrying up is not a new concept, and in the past, it was a survival method for women. Today, hypergamy relationships are still very much a thing. But what exactly is a hypergamy relationship, and is there anything wrong with them?
What Does It Mean To Be in a Hypergamy Relationship?
A hypergamy relationship is one in which one person (typically the female in a heterosexual relationship) marries a partner that has more wealth or higher social standing than she does. Marrying up is a common societal standard practiced in every part of the world. We see it portrayed in our everyday lives as well as in the movies and social media. The desire to want to improve your social status or wealth through a relationship isn’t new. In many families, it’s even encouraged. Marrying for love is a relatively new concept mostly practiced in the Western world today. Marriage, for most cultures in the past, was nothing more than a transaction. It was a way to tie two families together for business, financial, or social purposes. Most hypergamous marriages were arranged by parents for advantageous reasons.
In Indian society, the practice of arranged marriage still happens. According to data, 93% of married Indians say that their marriage was arranged. Even at a time when Indian women (and women as a whole) have more financial independence and rights than ever before. In the past, women from all cultures were barred from obtaining any kind of financial freedom for themselves. Women weren’t allowed to be educated, legally own property, vote, or even work. Marriage was the only way a woman could gain financial security. She was wholly dependent on the man she married for food, money, shelter, and protection. It would only make sense then, that a woman in those days, would want to choose her partner wisely. The wealthier and higher status her husband was, the wealthier and higher status she would have as well.
It Goes Back to Our Roots
Hypergamy could also be something more primally ingrained in both men and women when it comes to mate selection. Way back in the days of our hunter and gatherer ancestors, hypergamy was a survival instinct. Women would have a mate preference for partners who were capable of successfully hunting and bringing home the bacon, so to speak. Hypergamy was a result of single women wanting the strongest, most capable male partner to protect her and her children from the harsh realities of early life on planet earth. The biological desire to want to preserve our own well-being and that of our children and loved ones may still be present in our DNA. It’s no different than how men are attracted to women who appear more “fertile.” Long hair, wide hips, and youth signal to the male brain that a woman is fertile and able to carry his offspring.
Basically, men care more about physical attractiveness while women care more about security. We see this play out in today’s world, so it shouldn’t surprise us that the dynamic has persisted since the stone age. Hypergamous women may be merely acting upon instinct. Men certainly act upon instinct when they choose partners. So why should women behave any differently? Besides, there’s evidence to suggest that men prefer the hypergamous dynamic. Man’s hero instinct is his primal desire to provide for and protect the people he loves. Providing and protecting make men feel needed and worthy. They want to feel like a hero coming to the aid of his damsel in distress. Many men prefer to be the breadwinner in a hypergamous relationship because it makes them feel like “more of a man”. They are less attracted to, or feel less worthy, dating women who don’t need them. It’s safe to say that both partners benefit from hypergamous relationships.
Why Some Women Prefer Hypergamy
Anyone can be in a hypergamous relationship, it’s not reserved solely for heterosexual relationships. But it is more prevalent in heterosexual relationships. Particularly hypergamous relationships where the male partner has more wealth or power. But why is it that hypergamy is still so popular now? Today, there are more college-educated women than men and many of them earn just as much if not more than their male peers. Gender equality is more prevalent now than ever before. It would seem that women no longer need to marry up, yet many still do. According to statistics, 93% of high-earning women marry men who earn more than them. So, what’s the deal? Why do these high-earning women still practice hypergamy?
Why Wouldn’t They?
Why wouldn’t a woman (or anyone for that matter) want a hypergamous marriage? If you’re going to fall in love, you might as well fall in love with someone rich, right? Hypergamous women, especially high-earning hypergamous women, have standards. They desire a certain lifestyle that requires a higher income. For these women, they believe that to attain that level, they need to marry someone who can provide for it. Hypergamous women feel more secure knowing that their partner is footing the bill. They can continue to live their lavish lifestyle, knowing it’s not coming out of their own pocket. Money is survival and it can also buy a lot of nice things. Hypergamous women believe that more money is always better. Can you blame them?
Financial Security
Men and women have different challenges when it comes to dating. The big one, obviously, is pregnancy. Men don’t have to worry about getting pregnant; that responsibility is entirely on the female partner. Men can date and sleep with whomever they choose without worrying about the consequences. Women, on the other hand, can’t be so nonchalant. When a woman gets pregnant, she must think about how she will provide for her child. If she chooses a deadbeat partner, she will have no help in the matter. Raising a child on your own is both emotionally and financially draining. It is advantageous for women to choose a hypergamy relationship for this reason. She wants to know that the person she marries can financially support her during and after pregnancy. And if she wants to stay home and raise her children, a hypergamy relationship will allow her to do so. Hypergamy relationships give women the security they need during motherhood.
They Find it Attractive
For some women, men with more money than them are a turn-on. Women perceive wealthier men as more powerful and confident. Oftentimes, because they are. Men derive a lot of their ego from how successful they are. Largely this is because they know that women desire successful men. Hypergamous women seek out rich and powerful men because that’s what does it for them. Hypergamous women are simply not sexually attracted to men who can’t provide for them in the same way a wealthy man can.
Is Hypergamy Wrong?
Hypergamous women are often associated with negative terms such as “gold digger” or “money-hungry.” A hypergamous woman who desires to marry a man for his money is often portrayed as a shallow bimbo who’s too stupid or lazy to provide for herself. These women are often the butt of jokes and looked down upon for being a “do-nothing bitch.” But why is hypergamy so wrong? Hypergamy isn’t wrong, it’s just not for everyone.
There isn’t necessarily anything wrong with wanting to be in a hypergamy relationship. It’s not wrong to marry someone from a higher social or wealth bracket than you. Hypergamy is a relationship style that is preferred by some men and women. If both partners equally accept their role in the relationship, then it’s their business. There’s nothing wrong with having certain standards. If you are a woman who demands that her partner make a certain amount of money, then that’s your prerogative. It’s now up to you to find someone who agrees to meet your standards. If both partners agree to the relationship style, no one is doing anything wrong. Different strokes for different folks, you know?
When Hypergamy Is Wrong
When hypergamy is wrong is when you begin to value wealth or social power over all else. When you choose a partner based solely on the money in his bank account and disregard other character attributes (like honesty, generosity, and kindness), you’re in shallow territory. It will be obvious to others and possibly the person you’re in a relationship with that you care only about the money, nothing else. If this is the arrangement you have made with your partner, then you’re doing nothing wrong. But if you purposely deceive your partner into thinking you care for them to get to their money, then you’re in the wrong. Hypergamy women get a bad reputation for this reason. If you want to avoid the “gold digger” label, make sure you are honest with your partner.
Are Hypergamy Relationships Healthy?
A hypergamy relationship is no worse nor better than any other relationship. It depends on the individuals in the relationship and their personal situation. But, there are certain aspects of a hypergamy relationship that are unique to other relationships. For a hypergamy relationship to work, there must be open communication between both partners. Both partners should be honest with one another about what they are looking for and what they expect in their relationship.
Lack of True Intimacy
If your hypergamy relationship is based on financial gain and nothing else, it will likely lack any true intimacy. True intimacy only exists between two partners who share a romantic connection. If your marriage or relationship is transactional, don’t expect a romantic connection. Many hypergamy marriages are sexless and loveless. They exist purely for advantageous reasons (the female partner gains wealth, the male partner gets a trophy wife). They are also often wrought with infidelity. Hypergamy relationships are not traditional. If you’re looking for true intimacy with a partner, hypergamy might not be for you.
Unfair Power Dynamic
A hypergamy relationship has the high potential for an unfair power dynamic between partners. The wealthy partner may feel like they hold more power in the relationship. Their partner depends on them, which gives them a power trip. It’s common for people in hypergamy relationships to suffer abuse at the hands of their wealthier, more powerful partners. A person entering a hypergamy relationship as the less powerful partner should be wary of this dynamic. They should also never allow their partner full control over them. A smart hypergamy woman will have her own money stashed in a bank account her partner doesn’t know about. Having her own money will give her extra security should she need to leave the relationship. It’s never healthy to be completely dependent on another person, especially in cases of abuse.
One Partner May Feel Taken Advantage Of
If you and your partner are not clear about what you expect from your hypergamy relationship, one person could feel taken advantage of. It’s never right to pretend to care for someone to gain access to their wealth. If a wealthy person enters into a hypergamy relationship convinced their partner cares for them, they may be in for a rude awakening. They will quickly catch on if their partner only cares for their wealth. Their revelation will quickly turn them sour and make them feel as if they are being taken advantage of. It can get very messy if one partner becomes jaded. Likely, this will signal the end of the relationship. To avoid this, both partners need to be aware upfront of what they are getting into.
Should You Consider Trying Hypergamy?
Are you convinced you want to be in a hypergamy relationship? Before you search for a hypergamy relationship, think about your values. What is important to you in a potential partner? What types of qualities are you looking for? How important is money to you, really? Are you willing to forgo all of your values and ethics for the sake of a fat bank account? If you are, understand what that will mean. When you pursue someone solely for their finances, don’t expect a fairytale romance.
If you choose to forgo decent qualities over money, don’t be surprised if they are not a perfect gentleman. Remember that nothing is as it seems in the movies or social media. Everything comes at a cost. Just because someone is posting pictures of them sipping champagne on private yachts with a sugar daddy, you don’t know the full story. They may have to endure an abusive or toxic relationship, adhere to strict rules, or feel pressured to have sex with someone they’re not attracted to. Just so they can sip that champagne on the yacht. If you desire to be in a hypergamy relationship, just know what you are getting into.
If you’re going to be in a hypergamy relationship, be smart about it. Again, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to date or marry someone who is financially well off. But take your time finding the right person. You don’t have to throw your values or moral standards out the window completely. There are financially stable men who are decent, but they make time to find. Hooking up with the first wealthy guy you meet will likely not end well. Be patient in finding your partner and always lead with honesty. Decide what it is exactly you are looking for in a hypergamy relationship. How much money does your partner need to make? How important are looks and character? Do you want to work or be a stay-at-home trophy wife? Be honest with potential hypergamy partners about what it is you want. Honesty in the beginning will save you both time and heartbreak later down the road.
The Takeaway
Hypergamous relationships are nothing new. Men and women have been participating in hypergamy relationships since the dawn of time. So, why is it that they have such a bad reputation? Why is wanting to attain financial security from a partner so wrong? Depending on who you ask, there isn’t anything wrong with being in a hypergamy relationship. We all have our own standards for what we expect from a relationship. For hypergamy women, money (a lot of money) is one of their standards.
Is desiring money any more wrong than a man desiring beauty? Isn’t dating based on looks just as shallow as dating for money (ooh, bet ya didn’t expect to feel so called out, huh)? Hypergamy is a relationship style no different than any other relationship. Sure, hypergamy relationships are known for being shallow, adulterous, and even abusive. But so are non-hypergamy relationships. At the end of the day, hypergamy is an agreement between two people. As long as they’re happy, who are we to judge? Go live your best, luxurious lives!
