Key Points
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Most people deal with family drama, gossip, and difficult relatives at some point.
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It is difficult to know exactly how to deal with family, but controlling your own emotions and leading by example is the first step.
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If you are in an abusive or toxic situation and do not know how to deal with family on your own, seek counseling to guide you through it.
Do you avoid family holidays because your rude uncle constantly disrespects your profession? Have you ever left a family dinner as soon as your dad switches the conversation to politics? Do you avoid sitting next to Grandma on Thanksgiving because she gossips about others? If these issues sound familiar to you, you probably have a hard time figuring out how to deal with family.
Family drama is extremely frustrating and creates a negative atmosphere. To make these experiences less stressful and more fulfilling, learn how to deal with family in a way that fosters the best possible environment in which to spend time together.
How To Deal With Family Drama
Nearly everyone deals with family drama in one way or another. It's easy to get caught up in gossip or push your perspective in an argument, but staying impartial and de-escalating when possible is crucial for healthy family relationships.
Don’t Gossip
Gossip is harmful to the people being talked about and fosters negative emotions in the gossipers. Rumors get around a family faster than a middle school cafeteria. Don't engage in family gossip and never contribute in spreading rumors.
It's easy enough to stay out of family gossip, but it's much harder to extinguish it. The best way to halt gossip is to be direct. When someone shares a rumor with you, say, “I don’t want to talk about this.” This is shocking to them at first, but hopefully they learn to stop gossiping.
Avoid Controversial Topics
If you're part of a family that gets heated over the latest sports game, controversial politics, or past family drama, avoid these subjects. Discussing a hot topic that raises emotions quickly brings on arguments. Change the subject. When you have a stinker that insists on talking about it, calmly tell them it’s a bad idea or exit the conversation.
Pick Your Battles
If your family argues over silly things, save yourself the headache by choosing your battles. It's hard to bite your tongue when someone says something that grinds your gears, but find peace in letting things slide. Speaking up to prove your point is not always worth the trouble of an argument.
When Drama Escalates to Fighting
Some families experience inter-family fights that go beyond the regular drama and arguments. This is a natural chain of events for people that spend a lot of time together. Approach fights with a calm and loving attitude to de-escalate the situation.
Here are tips on how to deal with fights so you and your family come out united:
Control Your Emotions
Everyone is responsible for their own emotions and actions, especially in a fight. As emotions heighten, it is common to lose control and say damaging things.
When someone says something that triggers or upsets you, choose how to feel and react. If you notice yourself getting worked up, take a moment to calm yourself.
Calm the Scene
When the whole family grows angry or overly emotional, take a break from the fight. Recommend a pause from the conversation for a de-escalation of emotions. Be gentle in your suggestion to not further ignite anybody’s feelings. Even five minutes to get a glass of water or step out of the room does wonders to calm things.
Reframe the Perspective
Family fights pit one team against another and quickly hurt feelings. Reframe the perspective to show loved ones that this fight is actually your family versus the problem. This reminds you to work together in solving the issue rather than blaming each other.
Make clear that they feel so strongly about the fight because they care deeply about one another. Channel your love for them and encourage them to channel their love for each other to find a solution.
Stay on Track
Family arguments get easily derailed and jump from subject to subject, issue to issue, building in intensity. Steer the conversation back on track. Remind your family to focus on the issue at hand and deal with things one at a time.
Work on Healthy Communication
The best way to avoid fights is to adopt healthy communication skills. When a heated disagreement occurs, agree to sit together and calmly discuss the issue.
Each person takes a turn speaking. Everyone deserves a chance to voice their perspective. Set a timer and allow each person three minutes to speak without interruptions. This forces everyone to listen and not butt in with responses.
Shifting the goal to understanding one another and finding a solution rather than winning an argument changes the course of all family fights.
What To Do About Toxic Family Members
It's difficult to navigate around a toxic family member. It's impossible to change how that person acts. Only your reaction is within your control.
Prepare Yourself
Before you see a difficult family member, mentally prepare yourself for the interaction. Think of typical patterns in their behavior so you are better prepped for your reaction. Think of their positive qualities before you see them. Don’t fixate on the terrible things about them.
Sympathize With Them
Sympathize with this person for why they are the way that they are. They were not born toxic. They learned this behavior. Dig deep to understand their perspective. Treat them with kindness regardless of their negative tendencies so they are more encouraged to treat you with kindness — even if it takes them a while to come around!
Decide How Much To Interact
Decide how important it is for you to deal with this person. If you do not feel a connection to them and only see them at large gatherings, it’s easy to smile and make small talk before slipping away to interact with other people.
Never completely ignore the toxic family member. This creates an awkward tension and even triggers them to act out. Greeting them with a simple smile and hello is better than a complete side step.
It's impossible to avoid a certain family member, learn how to engage in healthy communication to keep your interactions positive. Never gossip with them or share too much information about your personal life.
Be Honest
There is a chance the toxic person is unaware their behavior is damaging. Delicately inform them of their hurtful behavior. Use “I feel” statements to be gentle.
Be prepared for them to react negatively, get upset, or get angry. Nobody likes to hear something bad about themselves, especially toxic individuals.
Hopefully this person accepts your feedback and wants to improve your relationship. Approach them with kindness so they know you are having this conversation out of love and in the best interest of the relationship. If they are not open to discussing their behavior or improving the relationship, don't bring it up again.
Set Boundaries
Setting boundaries in relationships ensures you are treated with kindness and respect. This is especially important when dealing with a toxic family member who constantly puts you down or disrespects you.
According to mental health journalist Kate Rope, boundaries are “limits you set to protect and respect your time, energy, emotions, and resources.” Set boundaries by telling someone how their actions make you feel and politely letting them know that you don't tolerate being treated in such a way.
If your aunt Sylvia constantly pesters you about your love life at the dinner table, tell her you don’t want to talk about it. Be prepared for a little awkwardness at first. Reiterate your stance so she learns to respect your boundaries and stop asking personal questions.
Refuse to see or spend time with family members that don't abide by your boundaries. Decline an invitation to a family event or make it clear that you only have a certain amount of time.
Become a Better Person for It
Learning to sympathize with and effectively interact with difficult people is an amazing catalyst for your own growth, increased emotional intelligence, people skills, and self-reflection. Understand why your toxic family member acts the way they do and steer your interactions down a positive path.
Signs of a Toxic Family
A toxic family acts in a way that constantly hurts each other. Being around such behavior is detrimental and makes family relations extremely difficult. Growing up in this environment affects your view on relationships, your family, yourself, and the world. Seek help from a therapist if you have lasting effects from childhood trauma or being raised in an unstable household.
Identifying whether you live in a toxic environment is the first step in healing your family relationships. Look for these telltale signs:
Abuse
Physical, emotional, and verbal abuse are signs of a toxic family. If someone acts aggressively and physically hurts others, punches holes in the wall, throws things, or engages in other violent behavior, they are abusive.
Abuse is also verbal or emotional. If someone uses harsh language, calls you names, or purposely hurts your feelings, it's a red flag.
Scapegoating
If you are blamed for the actions of someone else or blamed for general issues in the family, you are being scapegoated. Whoever points the finger at a scapegoat is incapable of taking responsibility for their own actions so they shift the blame to someone else. This is unfair and damaging to the scapegoat and a clear sign of toxic behavior.
Manipulation
A family member that gaslights you, controls you, guilt-trips you, or otherwise manipulates you to get their way is toxic. It is difficult to identify manipulation and even harder to avoid it, but be aware of their patterns to avoid falling into their schemes.
Anxiety Triggers
Someone else isn't responsible for your anxiety, but feeling anxious in the presence of or even at the thought of certain family members is a sign you're part of a toxic family. Repeated hurt feelings and bad experiences with your relatives leave you with lingering anxiety and a desire to avoid them. Listen to your intuition to avoid triggers and protect your mental health.
How To Deal With Family Problems as a Child or Teenager
Any child or teenager dealing with family problems often feels alone and guilty about the situation. Healthy communication and controlling emotions are necessary to handle these issues in adolescence.
Take a Breather
When tensions are high in your house, your parents argue, or your siblings pester you, take time to yourself to decompress from the high emotions. Go for a walk, read a book in your room, invite a friend to meet you at the park, or engage in something else you enjoy. Getting away from the stressful environment allows you to control your emotions and better handle your family.
Find an Outlet
Starting a new hobby like boxing, knitting, running, or reading eases your mind and establishes a nurturing life outside of your family. This gives you substantial time to be away from the stressful family triggers and to build your sense of self. See what extracurricular activities are offered at your school or within your neighborhood.
Seek Professional Help
Tell your parents that problems within your family are affecting you and you want to speak with a therapist or counselor for guidance. A professional guides you in the right direction and gives you tools to deal with the issues. Check if your school has a guidance counselor.
Lean on a Support System
Speak with someone you trust about your situation — a trusted family member, your best friend at school, or a sports coach. Leaning on others for support makes a huge difference in your emotional well-being and shows you other perspectives.
It’s common to feel like you are alone when experiencing these problems, but nearly everyone deals with issues in their family. Talking to peers or trusted adults about the situation shows you they live through similar experiences.
Nurture Your Family and Protect Yourself
Dealing with family fights, gossip from Grandma, toxic uncles, and other bad family vibes is exhausting. Protect yourself from the drama and learn to de-escalate negative situations to foster a healthy family dynamic.
If you are part of a toxic family that is hesitant to improve, learn to focus on yourself and live for yourself. Control your emotions through tough times with your family and encourage everyone to treat one another with kindness by leading the way.
