How to Start Sexting: 21 Unspoken Rules

Busty woman in bra texts on mobile phone on bed

The recent global pandemic has significantly changed how we live our lives. Dating has become incredibly complicated. Like everything else, modern romance has gone digital, and in a lot of ways, so has sex. So, how do we sext? Are there rules or etiquette around sexting that we should know? Is there a way to have safe sext?

Sexting 101: The Basics

Relationships only work if there is a strong sense of connection with each other. In a time where having actual sex can be complicated by any of a million factors, sexting is an excellent way to connect on a sexual level, even if you can't be together physically. If done right, it could be something you both find very stimulating. It could even enhance your physical sex life. That sounds great, but where do we start?

1. Safety

If you're wondering how to start sexting, the first thing to consider is your safety. When you decide to have sext, and especially if you're planning to involve photography in your sexting, be sure you take appropriate safety measures. It may not be a super-sexy topic, but the reality is that there are real risks to some sexting behaviors. Some men have extorted or otherwise victimized women who have engaged in sexting with them. We never want to think it could happen to us, but it could. Be safe and use good judgment about who you’re sexting with.

2. Consent

On to the good stuff. Here is the scenario: It's a dull day at home, and there's nothing to do. Your partner is somewhere else, and you're feeling lonely. Don't just fire off a random boob shot or penile pic. Send them a text and see if they're feeling flirty. If they're in the same headspace as you are, you're on track to have a phenomenal sextual experience.

3. Tease, tease, tease

It seems impossible to know how to start sexting. Sexting is best done deliberately. Set a sustainable pace: stretch out the experience. Good sexting has a long teasing period, where you can engage in sexy banter or even just barely show a little skin. Just like in real life, taking the time to build up some heat and some sexual tension will pay off later. Don’t charge in like an amateur, tease them and leave them wanting more.

4. Take it slow

The best way to build up a fiery sexual tension while you’re texting is to take it slow. Rushing in and getting super graphic right off the bat is going to lead to a quick and probably unsatisfying experience. Taking the time to write carefully, get a perfect photo, or describe an idea in detail is worth the effort.

5. Be creative

Sexting is not bound by the physical constraints of the real world. What does this mean? It means you could take the time to graphically describe shower sex without the funny squishy noises that often accompany it in real life. You can also sext about things that aren't likely to happen in real life: you might not get to the gym enough to maintain the frantic pace or unique positions that you're sexting about, but that just doesn't matter. Heck, you can even roleplay: you can act like characters from a favorite movie or enact a sexy scenario you haven't tried in person yet.

Top above high angle view woman in bed reading text

Photo source: Adobe Stock

6. Foreplay still matters

Foreplay is an important part of sex. It helps get us in the mood emotionally and physically. It's a fun and stimulating way to exchange pleasure before having actual sex. You can use foreplay to tease your partner and help build sexual tension. Foreplay can consist of lengthy descriptions of stripteases, ideas about what you'd do to your partner, or even ideas about performing specific acts for or on your partner…you get the idea.

7. Don’t be shy

If you're feeling thirsty for your partner, don't be shy about telling them so. Did you think about a specific sexual encounter you had or find a piece of lingerie that reminds you of them? Tell them. Let them know precisely how you're feeling. Everybody likes to feel sexy and attractive and telling your partner that you want them bad is going to make them feel good.

8. Boundaries are okay

Just because you’re sexting doesn’t mean you have to get uncomfortable. If your partner is steering the conversation in a direction you don’t like, or is saying something that turns you off, redirect the conversation to something you both enjoy. Maybe your partner is always knocking on the back door, so to speak, but you’re not into it and he brings it up in your sexting session anyway. You can redirect him in a sexy way to keep it fun for both of you.

9. Bring up sexy memories

If you've had good physical sex with your partner, don't be afraid to bring it up. Was it that time on the hotel balcony, or was it when we snuck off for five minutes during thanksgiving dinner? Bringing up specific sexual memories is a great way to bring a concrete image to your partner's mind while reinforcing your sexual relationship.

10. Share fantasies

When we're talking about how to start sexting, it would be irresponsible not to mention sexual fantasies. Maybe you have a secret fantasy about tying up your partner, or perhaps you fantasize about a specific sex act. This is a great time to share that idea! You can bring it up in a sexy way and see how your partner likes it. And if it works out by sext, maybe it will also work out in real life

11. Leave your comfort zone

Sexting is a safe way to explore ideas outside of your comfort zone. In real life, you might never give your partner oral sex in a parking lot. But in your sexting fantasy, you can do whatever you want! It’s okay to push your limits.

Woman in blue shirt smiling at text on phone

Photo source: Adobe Stock

12. Use your voice

Most of us don't like our own voice. But we love our partner's voice! Your partner will almost certainly like getting a voice sext from you. You could send them a moan or a groan or whisper dirty ideas to them. This is a great way to spice up any sexting session!

13. Give them a scenario

Want your partner to lead the way for a while? Set them up with a scenario. It could be anything: you could describe being naked and bound to the bed when they walk in, or you could describe yourselves zipping down the highway in a limousine. Scenarios are a fun way to play!

14. Take turns

Sexting should be a two-way street. You and your partner should both be engaged with the activity. You can take turns describing what's happening or how you would react to a given situation.

15. Keep it real

When you need to know how to start sexting, you don't need to stress about getting imaginative or creative. Fantasy and escapism are lovely, but it can also be very sexy to keep it real. Why not engage in sexting about plans for your next date? "When I see you, the first thing I'm going to do is grab your waist and pull you in tight." Wooo! Buckle up!

16. Use your words

We Americans have a hard time talking about sex. You don’t have to be anatomically correct when you’re sexting. “I rub your glans penis” kills the mood.

17. Keep it going

Keep the conversation going. Don’t wander off for a sandwich in the middle of sexting only to try and pick it up again ten minutes later. Good sexting needs to be consistent. This is not the time to multi-task. 

Photo source: Adobe Stock

18. Be clear

If your situation has changed — maybe your roommate came home, or maybe your boyfriend has a Teams meeting and really does need to focus — clear communication is key. It’s no fun to have to kill a sexting session early, but it’s better than accidentally “introducing yourself” to his mom or having your roommate walk in on you using a selfie stick in an interesting way.

19. Learn what arouses your partner

Learning what arouses your partner will help you be better at sending sext messages. If your partner is really aroused by oral sex, you can use that in your session. Or maybe they find it hot to watch you touch yourself — use that! Incorporating their turn-ons will help your sex life.

20. Be ready for the photoshoot

Now, we're not saying you're going to send nudes, but you might end up sending some very stimulating photos or videos to your partner. Be prepared for the photoshoot: take the time to get good lighting or to clean up your background. It's hard to be sexy in front of a pile of laundry.

21. Involve the senses

It’s easy to focus on the naughty bits when you’re sexting. After all, that’s where the action is! But use all the senses when describing a scene. The way your lover’s lips taste, the smell of the candles (or…leather?), and the sound of your breath are all good things to describe to provide your partner a sensory experience.

Pillow talk

If your sexting session is done — perhaps there was a climactic moment — make pillow talk. Talk to your partner about how hot that was or about what you liked and didn't like. Sexting is a great way to bond with your partner and strengthen your relationship. Don't be afraid to use the afterglow to connect and express your genuine love for them.

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