Sexual health can be challenging to navigate. With so many self-appointed experts on the subject, it’s easy to misunderstand definitions or find misleading information. The dictionary defines sex as a physiological and psychological process where two people copulate for erotic pleasure or procreation. That technical definition doesn’t quite fully describe what sex is. The emotions, the physical responses, and the biological reactions can all work together to achieve mutual sexual pleasure. In other words, sexual activity that results in coming or climaxing is the ultimate goal.  Curiosity leads people on a journey to learn more about dating, relationships, love, intimacy, passion, and sex. Research has shown that it doesn’t matter if someone is modest or not when it comes to sexual excitement, they all want to experience genuine sexual climax and the pleasure that comes with it. A question often posed is, are coming and climaxing the same thing? Before fully understanding the difference, it helps to have a foundational knowledge of sexual intercourse and the full spectrum of biological responses that come with it.   

Men and Women’s Sex Drive 

It’s common for theories and opinions to make it into the realm of sex drive research. The sex drive is also known as the libido. The popular belief is that libido's general meaning is to have a healthy sexual cycle. Either by having sex or wanting to have sex regularly. But what is considered “regular?” The answer isn’t easy to find because this amount is highly subjective and based on the individual’s wants and needs. Remember, sexual pleasure has just as much to do with emotions as it does with physical attraction.  Most people assume that a man typically has a higher sex drive than a woman. Such assumptions are usually based on their sexual experience or reading about the subject. Contrary to popular belief, the sex drive between a man and woman isn’t all that different. Stereotypes about the male sex drive include that men are sex machines and constantly think about sex. These assumptions continue to get debunked as research shows the stereotypes to be false. For example, men and women were surveyed and asked how often they thought about sex or were willing to engage in sexual activity. Men did report higher numbers. Those statistics begin to even out when accounting for how safe women felt. The study leads one to believe that set and setting matter when talking about sex, thinking about sex, or engaging in sexual activity. If people feel confident and safe, they are more likely to relax and enjoy themselves.  Sexual activity is natural for all humans. Embracing sexual excitement feeds into a healthy libido. A lack of sexual arousal or excitement can impact the amount of pleasure you get from the sexual experience. When it comes to male and female pleasure, external and internal factors play a role in their libido. For example, a lowered libido causes some concern for aging adults. Aging and the sex drive can impact your sex life. It’s normal for your libido to fluctuate. Biological and medical problems can be related to the negative change in your sex drive. Other factors include psychological, social, or environmental influences. The libido and sexual response cycle rely on the regulation of hormones and neurotransmitters. When injuries or underlying medical problems interfere with that regulation, it’s not unheard of for the male or female sex drive to be affected.  Why has my sex drive changed?  Aside from aging, other reasons you notice a lower sex drive include; experiencing problems with the body’s ability to produce or regulate testosterone levels, stress, fatigue, depression, chronic pain, low self-confidence, postmenopause, or erectile dysfunction. If you can relate to any of these issues, seeking sexual medicine is highly recommended.  When aging women begin to experience the signs of menopause, vaginal symptoms such as vaginal dryness can impact the pleasure they once received from sexual intercourse. Women can begin menopause as early as their late 30s or early 40s, with the average age being around 51 years old. Some of the common symptoms of menopause, perimenopause, or pre-menopause include hot flashes, night sweats, decreased estrogen production, and vaginal dryness. Tobacco use can cause menopause sooner than non-smokers. Induced Menopause is due to medical procedures, such as hysterectomy, breast cancer, radiation therapy, or cancer treatments.  Mental health can affect the libido, and life stressors can affect the sex drive. For instance, being overworked, exercising too much, or conflict with your partner can influence your libido. Depression is a mental health issue that will affect your sexual desire and drive. It’s highly recommended you seek medical care for depression because any negative impact on your sex drive can result in more depressive episodes. Depression is diagnosed more often in women than men. That’s important to understand, especially when unexpected changes to the female sexual response cycle occur. Did you know that men who suffer from restless leg syndrome (RLS) are more likely to experience erectile dysfunction (ED)? Erectile dysfunction happens when a man cannot maintain an erection or simply cannot achieve penile arousal. Changes in the male libido can be due to RLS, ED, or emotional, mental, physical, or relationship issues. Heart disease, obesity, diabetes, age, hormone imbalances, age, stress, anxiety, depression, sleeping disorders, excessive drug or alcohol use, disease or severe illness, and serious injuries can all be causes of erectile dysfunction and lower libido in men.  

What is a climax?

Coming and climax are often used interchangeably and outlined under the definition of an orgasm. Yes, it is a more technical definition that isn’t wrong, but many people, including sex experts, consider climax and coming to have two different meanings. It’s important to remember that sexual health is hyperconnected to mental, emotional, and physical well-being. The overall health of a man or woman will affect their sexual health and vice versa.  During the height of the orgasm or the climax, the body releases the hormone oxytocin. Health benefits connected to this hormone range from regulating anxiety and lowering stress to reducing the risk of heart disease or cancers. Studies also show that men and women who regularly engage in a healthy sexual cycle get better sleep.  The Difference Between Climax and Coming  The common belief is that having an orgasm is climaxing and coming wrapped into one. It’s alright to use climax and coming interchangeably, but the difference is in intensity. The climax is typically considered the height of the orgasm whereas coming is associated with the release of vaginal fluid or seminal fluid. 

What is an orgasm?

Experiencing an orgasm is a physiological response that typically transpires before any sexual climax occurs. This response is called sexual arousal and sexual stimulation.  According to the APA dictionary, an orgasm is the climax of sexual activity when the height of sexual pleasure occurs. Rhythmic contractions of the perineal muscles, anal sphincter, and pelvic reproductive organs happen as sexual tension is released. This technical definition outlines what “coming” means. It’s also what defines sexual climax.  Is there brain chemistry involved in achieving an orgasm? The hormones and biological responses the body undergoes during sex begin during the buildup of sexual tension. Testosterone levels will increase, and so will dopamine and serotonin levels. These neurotransmitters are responsible for “good” feelings such as pleasure.

The Female Orgasm  

According to sex researchers, for women to achieve orgasm, there is typically a sexual response cycle. The cycle describes a four-step process that includes sexual excitement, reaching a plateau of sexual tension, achieving an orgasm, and reaching a resolution. During the first step of the cycle, once the woman agrees to sexual intercourse, she is already experiencing sexual arousal. Her mind and body will focus on the sexual stimulation she’s feeling. Her nipples will harden due to increased blood flow, and she will experience a full-body blush. Her vagina and clitoris will begin to engorge from increased blood flow.  As the sexual tension builds, it will reach a critical plateau. Known as a peak, this occurs when the outer one-third of the vaginal wall engorges with blood. When a woman’s orgasm is happening, the outer-third wall of the vagina contracts. The focus on sexual stimulation will drown out other stimuli as her heart rate, blood pressure, and breathing increase. During the orgasm, the uterus, vagina, and pelvic floor will experience a series of rhythmic contractions. The orgasmic platform gets reached, and the muscles throughout the body contract as that sexual tension is released. A feeling of warmth will begin around the pelvic area and gradually spread throughout the entire body.  The last stage of the female sexual response cycle is called the resolution step. The muscles and body will feel ultimate relaxation as blood flow decreases around the sexual organs. Within moments the woman’s heart rate, blood pressure, and breathing will return to normal. The resolution stage usually leaves women feeling tired and ready for a nap.  The Types of Female Orgasm Did you know there are different types of orgasms a woman can experience? Each one has a unique level of intensity. Various types of stimulation can help women achieve orgasms. If the sexual excitement heightens, it can also result in a woman achieving multiple orgasms, successive orgasms, a blended orgasm, or an extended orgasm. Sex research has revealed that women can experience over a dozen different types of female orgasms.  A clitoral orgasm is the most common and often most intense type of orgasmic climax for women. It’s full of nerve endings with two roots that run several inches deep. The clitoral stimulation and subsequent orgasm is typically a powerful climax. Female ejaculation can occur during sexual stimulation or orgasm. Believed to be a point of controversy, this ejection of fluid can occur for some women during the buildup of sexual tension while others may experience it at the height of their sexual pleasure, such as during sexual climax.  A vaginal orgasm occurs when a woman experiences pleasurable vaginal stimulation, sometimes without stimulating the clitoris. An anal orgasm happens when a woman experiences a sexual climax during anal sex. Female orgasms can also occur during moments of erogenous zone stimulation, such as nipple orgasm. The nipples have nerve endings, that when stimulated, send messages to the brain that activates the genital area. A woman can achieve climax from nipple stimulation even before vaginal penetration. External stimuli can also lead to a female orgasm. Studies of mental sexual imagery reveal women can climax and come from self-induced imagery.  One question often posed by males is, does the female g spot actually exist? The quick answer is yes. The female g spot is short for the Gräfenberg spot which was introduced to the field by sex therapist and expert, Dr. Beverly Whipple. After thorough research, many experts still couldn’t figure out if there was a specific location for a woman’s g spot. It turns out that multiple erogenous zones located around the vagina play a part in reaching this intense type of orgasm. According to Dr. Beverly Whipple, the female g spot orgasm is felt through the vaginal wall, about two inches near the back of the pubic bone where the bladder and urethra meet. The area consists of the female prostate gland, urethra, and tissues of the clitoris.  The Male Orgasm Just like the female sexual response cycle, there is a male sexual response cycle. Men will go through the sexual excitement phase, plateau, have an orgasm, and then experience resolution. The excitement phase can begin before any sexual activity occurs, sometimes minutes or hours before physical contact. Experiencing sexual arousal for hours before reaching the plateau can often make climaxing and coming much more pleasurable and intense.  In the plateau phase, usually around thirty seconds to two minutes, the muscles tense as the heart rate increases. A clear fluid flows from the man’s urethra before the release of seminal fluid occurs. The technical term is ejaculation, the emission of semen, or the male orgasm. Ejaculation is when a series of rapid-firing contractions occur within the muscles of the penis and anus. As this is happening, neurotransmitters are sending messages to the brain’s pleasure center. Keep in mind, similar to the difference between climax and coming, there is a physiological difference between ejaculating and an orgasm. It all depends on the type of orgasm a man experiences.  The resolution phase is just after the male orgasm occurs and is when refraction takes place. During this time, the man will not be able to get an erection until sufficient time has passed. Men can usually have just one orgasm at a time, although some research suggests otherwise. The time in between orgasms is subjective and depends on age and physical health.  The Types of Male Orgasm Although there are more types of orgasms for women than men, the sexual pleasure men experience can be just as intense. The various types of male orgasm include ejaculatory orgasm, non-ejaculatory orgasm, multiple orgasms, prostate orgasm (g-spot orgasm), or erogenous stimulation orgasms.  An ejaculatory orgasm occurs when the sexual pleasure comes to a head and the male shoots or ejects semen from their penis. Also known as a dry orgasm, this occurs when the male does not ejaculate, but still experiences the sensation of the orgasm. Surprisingly, men can also have multiple orgasms by learning how to heighten and lower maximum sexual arousal. For a long time, the male g-spot was thought to be non-existent. However, sex researchers believe the male g spot is the prostate. In other words, the male g spot is found just a couple of inches inside the anus.  Is premature ejaculation technically an orgasm? Yes, it is, and premature ejaculation is more common than people may know. Roughly thirty to forty percent of men experience it, especially when they struggle to control the buildup of sexual tension. It is a common problem for men at any age, especially those that experience performance anxiety. However, there is a successful treatment for it. Stimulation of the erogenous zones of men can also cause intense sexual arousal to the point of full-body orgasm. Erogenous zones include the nipples, in or around the penis or anus, and other sensitive areas of the body where a cluster of nerve endings happens to be. When sexual stimulation of the erogenous zones happens and a man ejaculates and orgasms from it, this may be mistaken for premature ejaculation. That is not the case, particularly when the man has already been sexually excited for some time before reaching climax.  The difference between climax and coming is still up for debate. Yes, technical definitions outline both as an orgasm. However, when it comes to male and female sexual pleasure, there have been enough studies to indicate the unique nature of coming to a climax and the body’s response following that release of sexual tension. Remember, self-care and couples wellness are equally important. A healthy sex drive and achieving maximum pleasure are all dependent on your physical, mental, and emotional health as well as your overall well-being.