Key Points
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Setting priorities in your marriage — especially regarding who to put first in your life — is challenging.
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You should almost always put your spouse before your parents in your adult relationship.
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There are exceptions to putting your spouse before your parents, such as when you have small children or your elderly parents are ailing.
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Communication with your partner is critical; ultimatums should be a last resort.
Deciding which relationships to prioritize is a challenge. There are many things to consider, so it isn't always cut and dry. Do friends come before family? Should you put your spouse before your parents? When you marry someone, you change your family dynamic. Part of that dynamic is that your parents aren't the priority in your life anymore — it's your spouse.
This change might initially feel strange, especially if you're close to your folks. As a child, you're used to living in their household, doing what they say, and taking their advice on private matters. All relationships must evolve and grow, including your relationship with your parents. Prioritizing your spouse before your parents is crucial to a happy and long-lived marriage.
Instead of a child-adult relationship, you must now have an adult-adult relationship with your mom and dad. It'll take some getting used to on your end and likely be difficult for your parents to accept.
Priorities
A common marriage struggle is prioritizing the right relationships to satisfy the people in your life. A spouse is often considered to be the top priority, but your parents may feel they should still be at the top of your relationship list.
"Many married couples have trouble with who comes first, your spouse or your parents? The answer is your spouse – that's your first obligation. When you get married, you leave your parents," says relationship expert Dr. Laura Schellinger.
Sometimes it isn't easy to juggle both relationships. You must set priorities — and boundaries.
Spouse Vs. Parents
No one wants to choose between their spouse or their parents — it's downright awful. Do you choose your spouse or your parents? You've probably deferred to your parents all of your life simply because you're their child.
When you get married, allegiances change. It doesn't mean you should leave your parents in the cold — quite the contrary. Try cultivating an adult relationship with them based on mutual respect and boundaries that may not have existed.
Setting Boundaries
Boundaries are necessary for any relationship, including with your spouse and parents. It's crucial to have an adult and healthy relationship with both parties.
Boundaries are personal rules and limits in relationships. Healthy boundaries come from clear and respectful communication.
When you and your partner discuss — be concise — what you expect from the relationship, you both stand to reap the benefits. With respectful, clear communication, discuss your needs and limits. Prioritize your marriage over other relationships — including those with each of your parents.
Don't know where to start? Find a calm environment and use a non-accusatory tone of voice. State any issues using an "I statement" to tell your partner how you feel.
Examples include, "I feel like you're prioritizing your family over me and our marriage when you spend every weekend at your parents. I want us to be our top priority in each other's lives." Or, "I feel that you're invalidating my input when you ask your parents about decisions we've already made as a couple."
It's essential not to accuse your spouse. Saying, "You spend all your time with your parents, and you make me feel like I'm not a top priority!" isn't helpful to start a conversation on boundaries. Remain calm to have a productive discussion on acceptable behavior. Remember, you aren't attacking your partner — you're trying to come up with solutions together as a team.
Sometimes, couples have issues because they haven't taken the time to carve out expectations for their relationship. Have you sat down with your partner and discussed your expectations together? If so, have you revised this chat?
Your partner might struggle to put you before their parents. Perhaps they didn't expect their relationship with their family to change much — if at all — after getting married. They may not even know they prioritize their folks over you until you sit down and have a reasonable conversation.
Supporting Your Spouse's Decisions
Boundaries go both ways; you can't expect your partner to respect your limits if you don't respect theirs. Honoring your partner's boundaries is imperative to a healthy, happy marriage.
You might not like some of the limitations they set, and that's okay. You may need to discuss and compromise until you've hashed out what's acceptable and what's not to both of you.
When discussing limits with your spouse, be open to their point of view. That doesn't mean you agree, but their perception is valid. Have empathy, be considerate, and work together to find solutions.
When you consider your partner's point of view, your own might shift. You may conclude that they're not putting their parents before you and instead see them having a healthy relationship with their parents. This shift in opinion may be even more prominent if you have a poor relationship with your parents.
Once you've asked your spouse to respect the boundaries you've set up, it's up to them to honor them. You have to let your spouse make their own decisions; you might not like their choices, but they're an adult, too.
If your partner routinely neglects your boundaries, you may need to take more drastic action. Consider a therapist or mediator if you can't stay on the same page.
Can I Break This Rule?
There are times when putting someone else before a spouse is appropriate. They're few and far between, but some impermanent circumstances may mean someone else needs the top spot for a while.
Small Children
When your children are very small and cannot care for themselves, they must come first. They cannot take care of themselves — let alone cook or clean. You may feel that your spouse attends to the little ones and nothing else. It may feel like they no longer care about you.
This is unlikely to be accurate, but if you feel this way, talk with your spouse. They may be so exhausted from child-rearing that they aren't even aware you're feeling neglected.
Sometimes it feels like it's never-ending and that your marriage will never come first again. Yet, all small children grow up to be older, more independent, can care for themselves, and even help out around the house.
You can fully concentrate on your marriage once again when your kids are a bit more self-sufficient, but in the meantime, try to carve out special alone time each week with your partner.
This is a fleeting season in your marriage, but it's still an excellent time to revisit conversations about needs and expectations with your partner.
Ailing Parents
This is a hard pill to swallow, but if you or your spouse has ailing parents, they might need top priority. While you don't necessarily owe them anything for raising you, it's hard to see your parents flounder because of age and sickness.
Stepping in to assist them is a huge commitment, and it'll likely take you away from your spouse and children, adding an emotional burden to your already full bucket. If you take an active caregiver role regarding a parent, use caution to avoid putting a potential wedge between them and your spouse.
Keep in mind that this isn't a permanent situation and will pass. If you're feeling particularly neglected, talk with your spouse. With the emotional energy and time commitment required to care for ailing parents, they may not even realize that you feel that way.
Ultimatums
Resentment builds up, and bitterness creeps into a relationship when an imbalance has nested for a significant period. Prioritizing your parents over your spouse is bound to create ill feelings. If you reach this point, you may feel you have no choice but to deliver an ultimatum.
An ultimatum is when you demand a specific behavior by a particular time, or your partner will lose you and the relationship and should be the last resort to restoring the balance in your relationship. This strategy requires putting your foot down for extreme behavior. If your partner's actions are merely an annoyance, then an ultimatum is too drastic of a response.
Whether you issue an ultimatum or not takes serious consideration, and you must consider it. Don't take it lightly, and don't blurt out a threat while in an overly emotional state.
How To Give an Ultimatum
While ultimatums are the last resort to getting your spouse to change their behavior, there are both wrong and effective ways. Make sure you do it right if you choose this route.
Carefully Consider Issuing an Ultimatum
Ultimatums aren't where you start — they're where you end. Have you discussed the unacceptable behavior with your partner? Have you examined the issue from your spouse's point of view to gain a deeper perspective? Have you set clear boundaries, and your spouse fails to keep them?
If the answer is yes to all of these questions, then it's time to consider an ultimatum.
The first thing to consider is whether your spouse's behavior is extreme enough to issue an ultimatum. If your spouse prioritizes their parents over you involving trivial matters, it might not be wise to take this route.
Minor grievances don't require ultimatums — they're dealt with by setting boundaries and having clear conversations. You negotiate annoyances, often compromising with your partner — reserve ultimatums for behaviors that are deal breakers. If limits are consistently disregarded, or the behavior is abusive, you might want to consider issuing an ultimatum.
Keep in mind that ultimatums undermine relationships; they don't enhance them. You are, in a sense, making your spouse do something if they accept your terms. People don't like feeling forced to do things, which may promote the idea that your partnership is now heavily weighted in your favor.
Be Clear About Your Expectations
As always, you need to be very clear about what behavior you need your spouse to change. If you aren't, not only is it unfair to issue an ultimatum to your partner, it's detrimental to the health of your relationship.
Only after you have been extremely clear about the issue and given your spouse time to make their own decisions regarding that boundary should you consider an ultimatum.
Be Consistent
Don't issue an ultimatum if you don't plan on following through. It's disrespectful and abusive because it undermines the security and unity of your relationship, which you're trying to build up, not tear down.
While you may feel powerless to change the situation, remember that your marriage is your top priority, and you don't want to lose it unless you see no way to solve extreme behavior.
Prioritize Your Marriage
Marriages take work, and a lot of that work is hard. Communication can be difficult, and learning to create and sustain boundaries is sometimes scary.
Don't neglect your parents but ensure they know what's acceptable behavior, too. Give yourself and your spouse the grace to learn and grow during this process, just as your love and respect for each other does.
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