For something so universal to the human experience, sex can be hard to talk about. Yet, we’re all aware of it: none of us would be here without a lot of sex happening throughout history. Sex is an activity that most of us (especially those reading this article) participate in or want to participate in. It’s also a skill most of us wish we could improve. Sexual insecurities are common. We all want to know how to have better sex, but where do we even begin? You might be surprised to learn this, but the key to having better sex isn’t to go to the gym or get wacky ideas from adult entertainment websites, but something far more mundane: communication.
Communicate With Your Partner
It might sound cliche, but the best thing you can do to have better sex is to communicate, openly and honestly, with your partner. When you’re wondering how to have better sex, you might find yourself wondering what would make your partner feel good or how you could express a want or need to your partner. Maybe you’re wondering how to get them to orgasm quicker or how to ask for that one thing you really like. Perhaps you’re wondering if your partner has a secret desire or something new they want to try. The simple and easy way to get answers to these questions is to communicate with your partner.
Does that mean sitting down over coffee and saying, “Hey, let’s talk about sex?” It certainly could! While that sounds corny, it’s also direct and clear. The key to having a good conversation about sex with your partner is to be in a safe and private environment, ideally away from any prying ears. Talking over a coffee while the kids are at Grandma’s might be a great approach!
When you’re talking with your partner about having better sex, it’s important to use non-accusatory language. The best practice is to use “I” phrases, such as “I think it would turn me on if you…” versus “you don’t know how to turn me on.” Being open-minded and kind to your partner is important in any aspect of a serious relationship, but especially in a long-term sexual relationship.
A big part of communicating is listening to your partner. The best way to listen is to practice active listening techniques. This means attentively listening while they speak, reflecting on their communication, and not being judgmental. It also means not offering rebuttals or advice but simply listening to and understanding what they say. When you’re listening well, you’re engaged in what your partner is saying, not just waiting for the noise to stop.
There is, however, a more fun way to communicate about how to get better at sex: and that’s to communicate while you’re having sex! Of course, that doesn’t mean saying, “Hey darling, I wanted to discuss how you do that” in the middle of the act because that would definitely be a mood-killer. But it can mean offering verbal instructions during sex: short and simple commands like “harder” or “just like that.” While some people worry that this will turn off their partners, most people find it to be a little bit of a turn-on when a partner tells them what they like.
Communication can also be physical: during foreplay, you can grab your partner’s hand and show them what you like. Even better, you can show your partner what you like. Some couples engage in mutual masturbation, or even masturbate in front of one another, as a way of providing a demonstration to their partner. It can also be quite an arousing experience for the two of you!
Take Your Time
In today’s world, we always seem to be in a hurry. People drive fast, talk fast, expect fast service, eat fast food, and so on. But except for the occasional quickie, sex isn’t something we should be rushing. Sex should be an intimate, pleasurable, and deliberate experience. It’s natural to feel an urge to rush in the heat of the moment, but a rushed and hurried sexual experience can be dissatisfying or unpleasant. Don’t be checking your watch during sex or eyeballing the clock: there are very few things in the world that are so important that they should rob you of time spent making love with your partner. Plus, slowing down helps you to be present in the moment.
Photo source: Adobe Stock
Be Present
Part of slowing down is learning to be present. We live in a world of constant distraction: we half-listen, multitask, and jump from one thing to another. Some people even check their phone during sex! Checking your phone, thinking about what’s for dinner, worrying about those work emails…all these things remove your attention from the task at hand, which should be engaging in an intimate sexual act with your partner. Try to remove distractions and lose yourself in the moment. Focus on physical touch, sensations, emotions – not whatever the latest dance is on TikTok.
Don’t Skip Foreplay
When you’re learning how to get better at sex, foreplay is a good place to start. Of course, we all like a quickie from time to time, but we shouldn’t underestimate the power of good foreplay. Foreplay consists of the sexual activities we engage in before we’re fully engaged in having sex. Foreplay is important because it lets the body and mind prepare for sex. Foreplay is a physical and emotional trigger that gets us in the mood or helps us become physically aroused and ready for sex.
“Physically aroused” doesn’t only indicate an erect penis or a lubricated vagina. Physical arousal includes phenomena like increased heart rate and blood pressure, dilation of the pupils, increased respiratory rate, and a general feeling of physical energy. Foreplay is getting our bodies ready for a physical event: in many ways, the body’s response to sexual stimulation mimics how our bodies prepare during a ‘fight or flight’ event.
Foreplay doesn’t have to be anything complicated or specific. It can be something as simple as kissing. When we kiss, our bodies release a cocktail of hormones and chemicals that trigger feelings of euphoria and affection and even lower our inhibitions. In other words, kissing can make us horny.
Foreplay also doesn’t have to lead directly to sex. It can take place long before sex, or even in place of sex! As long as both adults consent to what’s happening, there aren’t any limits to foreplay. You can incorporate anything from physical touch oral sex, dirty talk, and massages, to even penetration of your chosen orifices.
Many couples enjoy prolonging foreplay. Your partner might whisper something naughty in your ear before dinner or slip a hand into your pants on the sly. They might send you a provocative text message at work or get you going before you leave in the morning. It might be an afternoon of subtle but gentle touches, skin-to-skin. The gratification of prolonged foreplay can be quite intense!
Photo source: Adobe Stock
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Try Something New
When you and your partner are learning how to get better at sex, consider trying something different. It’s easy to fall into a rut and spicing up your sex life can be a great way to enjoy new intimate experiences together. Trying something new ties back into communication: use your newfound communication skills and methods to talk to your partner about doing something different! Introducing novelty in your sex life doesn’t have to be complicated: it can be as simple as suggesting a new sex position. You’d be surprised how many ways there are to come together…pun intended.
Some couples find that a great way of bringing novelty into their sex life is by trying roleplaying. Do you secretly have a firefighter fetish? Get your man some rubber boots and coveralls and have him come douse your flames. Maybe you like the idea of your woman dressed as a naughty maid, with nothing under her skirt and a tendency to drop her duster: how salacious! Even if it sounds silly or stereotyped, roleplaying can be a great way to spice up your sex life. Some couples have even brought their roleplay out into the world, meeting at a bar and pretending to be hooking-up for the first time.
You might find that you always wind up in bed together, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but there are other places in your home that might be perfect for a little afternoon delight. Moving out of the bedroom can be exciting: the sofa, the floor, and the bathroom could be fun places to have sex. You could make love in the kitchen, on the counters, or even on your breakfast bar or table. Shower sex can be a fun way to spice up your life or even a hookup in the backseat in the garage!
This isn’t an exhaustive list. There’s really no end to the new things you can try with your partner. You could bring sex toys into the bedroom. You could watch pornography together or experiment with bondage play. You could engage in mutual masturbation to achieve pleasure differently. The hardest part about trying something new can be getting over your hangups.
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Overcome Hangups
Part of learning how to have better sex is learning to overcome your hangups. It’s easy to talk about trying something new, but sometimes we might be embarrassed or afraid of bringing up a taboo subject. We don’t want to be labeled as perverts or weirdos or feel like what we want isn’t normal. The thing is: there is no normal! People do all kinds of sexual stuff. About one in six couples have tried bondage, whether it’s fluffy pink handcuffs or a set of bespoke leather straps. One in five have played with blindfolds, and almost 30% have engaged in anal sex! The notion of a “normal” sex life isn’t something that’s prescribed by an outside authority. As long as all involved parties are consenting adults, do what you like! Let your hangups go and you’ll likely find your sex life improving.
When you’re learning how to get better at sex, you need to learn yourself first. This is critical in overcoming any sexual hangups you might have. One of the first steps is to get to know yourself, and one of the best ways to do that is simply to masturbate. What do you like or dislike? What feels good, what body positions work for you? What kind of pacing or flow gets you going? What’s going through your head? Learning about these sensations and feelings will help you learn what turns you on, and that’s the first step to overcoming a sexual hangup.
Another step to reducing any kind of sexual hangup is to understand why you might be ashamed of a certain desire. What makes you feel shame about this sexual desire? Then, find and release the source of your shame to free your inhibitions. Once you have released your shame, you can begin embracing your desires. Sure, it sounds kind of silly or corny to say it, but it’s true: when you give yourself permission to want what you want, you can begin to experience sex in a whole new way.
How To Get Better at Sex With Your Partner: Be Open, Be Present
When you want to learn how to have better sex with your partner, the key items to remember are being open and present. First, you should have open lines of communication with your partner: talk freely and honestly about what you like, what you want, and how you can meet their needs. Second, you should be present with your partner: take the time to engage them intimately. Take the time to have good foreplay, to really feel and engage with what you’re doing. Be open to new experiences and new ideas that your partner might suggest, and learn to be open with yourself about what you want. We all have our sexual side, and the best way to enjoy it with your partner is to let it out with them in an honest, open, and intimate way.
