Are You a Demiromantic? A Guide to “Growing in Love”

Have you ever had a great friendship or other non-sexual relationship in which you bonded so close to that person over time? During that time, did you feel a romantic attraction — like a chemical reaction — in your body that you’d never felt for this person before?

The reality of the way romantic attraction works, exemplified above, can be as diverse as the people who experience it. In a generalized description, people fall into one of two categories. One category is the “primary attraction” — the “love at first sight” which is so common that it’s the way to an instant rom-com blockbuster hit.

The other way to develop a brand new love interest to someone who isn’t all that new to you is deemed the “secondary attraction,” which is quite a bit more complicated than the first. This is also called the “demiromantic” attraction.

Many non-demiromantic people may be asking “Why does this happen?” This article should answer that question.

First, know that regardless of which path you take to find love, it is the right one. There is no single “right” way to form a relationship — only the way that is right for you.

In this article, we will look at demiromantic people and how they “do” relationships. Are you curious about how a demiromantic person would initiate a romantic relationship? Do you want to know how you can approach a relationship with a demiromantic person?

Perhaps by the time you finish reading this article, you’ll know if that sounds like you or if you’re already in a similar romantic relationship. 

We should caution you not to be too deadset on finding a label. We are who we are, love whom we love, and love in the way we innately know.demiromantic

How Pop Culture Says We Feel an Attraction

Movies and novels favor the “instant romantic attraction” — the sudden knowledge of an instant love between the main characters. There are very few demiromance novels or movies. That is understandable. Readers and moviegoers don’t have hours to wait for the main characters to “grow into love.” 

The way these relationships are formed can be explained in two general steps.

First, you see the person and you’re instantly attracted to them before getting to know them or even asking them out on a date. Later, in some cases, a bond is created between you and the other person. 

The romantic attraction was made upon “first sight,” whether it began with a crush, a sexual relationship, or a romantic relationship. You may form a close bond after the initial crush or the first few dates. The deeper emotional bond may come after the initial romantic or sexual relationship.

How the Demiromantic Experiences an Attraction

Contrary to the way the attraction began, as stated above, the demiromantic feels an attraction to another person they already know.

Examples of demiromantic love stories in pop culture can be found on network or cable TV shows like Friends. Hello! Ross and Rachel, Chandler and Monica. It took these hilarious couples 10 years to find love! Glee is another demiromantic example. Just Friends is a film with this theme.

The demiromantic is often bewildered by the idea of having multiple crushes or engaging in sexual activity with someone they don’t yet know. They seem to unintentionally fall in love with someone they already know well.

Experts describe the way a demiromantic experiences a romantic or even a sexual attraction is through a previously established bond with their object of affection. It’s not often that the demiromantic will “seize the day” with a stranger. Instead, the demiromantic person will often fall for a close friend through whatever connection they built that created a close bond.

Typically, in demiromantic people, the bond will lead to romantic and sexual attraction. It gets a bit deeper when you include asexual, or grey-As, and other sexual orientations that also identify with the demiromantic person’s “laws of attraction.”

Monica Renae, a licensed associate professional counselor in Atlanta said demiromantic and demisexual people “require a deeper understanding of people before sexual attraction manifests whereas most other people, with the exclusion of asexuals, experience the general sexual attraction without knowing much of anything about the individual(s). 

“Demisexuals and demiromantic [people] focus on emotional bonding, those connections lead to different aspects of the relationship,” Renae added.

What’s the Difference?

The first difference you can gather from the previous section of this article deals with ways different people are attracted to other people. However, this isn’t the difference we’re referring to here.

Many people believe that a demiromantic person is a member of the LGBTQ+ community, but this is not always true. Someone’s romantic orientation has nothing to do with their sexual orientation nor sexual identity.

Demiromantic, aromantic, and alloromantic are adjectives describing the way a person develops a sexual or romantic attraction. Demisexual, asexual, and allosexual are types of sexual orientation. One’s sexual identity is more specific to a grey-A or a queerplatonic subcategory.

This roadmap of crossroads and intersections connecting romantic orientation to a sexual orientation and a sexual identity can get confusing, so let’s return to examining demiromantic relationships.

The Burning Question Now Is…

Are you feeling a little bit like you may fit the bill of a demiromantic person? Many people share these feelings of being demiromantic, some more strictly than others. 

Demiromantics can be homosexual, bisexual, heterosexual or asexual. Sexual orientation does not determine how we develop a primary attraction or the secondary attraction.

If you feel this may describe you or a loved one, check out some of the most common characteristics of a demiromantic person.

Say, for instance, you tend to desire a more intimate relationship as you emotionally bond with a person. This bond proves to be a gateway to developing more romantically charged feelings. You then discover this romantic attraction has been blooming right beneath your nose and you can no longer deny that you love this person with whom you never intended to fall in love.

Another typical trait of the demiromantic person can be a tendency to fall for a longtime friend, colleague, or business partner. On some level, you’ve found that you created a strong emotional bond with your crush. However, if your crush isn’t also on the same demiromantic wavelength, they aren’t looking at you through the same rose-colored glasses that you view them. You’ve possibly been locked into the “friend zone” before the romantic attraction can be explored.

As a demiromantic person, you may have thought of your non-demiromantic friends as silly or strange for their automatically developed feelings for strangers. This does not mean a demisexual or a demiromantic person can’t have casual sex with strangers. 

A demiromantic person can be a demisexual, but this is not necessarily the case. There’s a clear difference between romantic orientation and sexual orientation. Not all demiromantic people are demisexuals.

Simply put: Love and sex are not the same things. They often go together, but it is possible to have one without the other.

An additional trait of demiromantic people is the lack of understanding of the speed dates and blind dates that the non-demiromantic crew enjoys. Maybe you don’t relate to the whole idea, or maybe it scares the bejesus out of you. Either way, many demiromantic people openly refuse to engage in these dating schemes while a few may find these events fun.

It’s not that a demiromantic person is against the idea of dating. They just generally enjoy dating people they already know.

As a demiromantic person, you may not want to act on any of your romantic feelings that have developed. Perhaps you do not want your feelings to be reciprocated. Then again, maybe you do. As noted before, it is an individual and often complicated thing.

The wide array of ways a person expresses their secondary attraction makes the demiromantic spectrum very fluid and open-ended. This spectrum includes the possible sexual identity and sexual orientation of each demiromantic person, making the term “demiromantic” only an adjective describing the specific ways a person may understand or experience romantic attraction.

There are several types of attraction. For example, an aesthetic attraction may involve a person’s intelligence, spiritual beliefs, or morals. Other types of attractions include, emotional, sexual, romantic, and physical.

It’s important that you don’t get too caught up in how another demiromantic person feels their attraction to others. Consider yourself and decide if this adjective rings any bells in your life. Put aside your known sexual identity or orientation for a moment. Your past success or failure rates in having your romantic feelings reciprocated by the object of your desire are mostly irrelevant. It’s only the description or label, not anything else.I AM WHO I AM

What Does a Relationship With a Demiromantic Person Look Like?

This one goes out to the person who’s struggling to identify with their demiromantic loved one, or a person who is finding it difficult to label their personal feelings. Maybe you are reading this article to learn the reasons why the demiromantic person develops romantic attraction the way they do —  without a primary attraction in the first place.

The main thing to remember is that each demiromantic person is different. You will likely not be the first one to share your specific experiences with attraction, romantic or otherwise, with another demiromantic person. You will also not be the last.

These identifiable romantic feelings are much more common than you may think. You’re definitely not alone in the demiromantic and demisexual ways of developing your secondary attraction, romantic or sexual, and how it affects your dating goals.

Here are a few setbacks a demiromantic person or demisexual may face in the dating scene. When you’ve been the object of the demiromantic person’s attention and you kind of like it, we will explain a bit about the sex life with a demiromantic or demisexual and what it may look like for the loved one of such people.

Blind Dates, Crushes, and Perfect Timing for Demiromantic People

Some demiromantic people enjoy going out to meet new friends, dates, or going solo just like any other person. Some will try to casually date mere acquaintances at least once. Other demiromantic people are happy to strengthen an already existing friendship and then make their move to a romantic relationship.

A big thing with the “rules” of the demiromantic spectrum include the close emotional bond. This means that no matter how long the process may be for one friendly relationship to come into the romantic attraction stage, it can be shorter with the next demiromantic person, or perhaps even longer.

Whether the demiromantic person is a bit quicker in falling or exponentially slower, it’s the natural process in which the secondary attraction operates.

The development of romantic feelings is always a unique-to-you process. The main thing that makes a demiromantic person a “demiromantic” is the way they are attracted to a potential future partner. It has nothing to do with time. Time is only the path that leads to experiencing a secondary attraction, versus the more common primary setup of a romantic or sexual relationship.

Fear of Rejection and Asexual Demiromantics

Some demiromantic people ignore their romantic feelings because they cannot feel the initial attraction in a conventional way and may fear they will be rejected. The fear may stem from the length of time that elapsed before they realized their romantic attraction. This is why demiromantic people often find themselves locked away in the “friend zone.” 

This timing issue alone may make a demiromantic person more fearful of rejection than others when seeking to date or establish a relationship. This can be intensified if they are also asexual. An asexual person may feel crippling fear of rejection in dating because they know they aren’t sexually charged enough, or at all, for their potential love interest.

Sex Life With the Demiromantic or Demisexual

If you’re already deeply involved with a demiromantic person, you already know that a romantic and sexual relationship is possible and fulfilling. Remember, demiromanticism and demisexuality are different things that have unique meanings. Romantic feelings and sexual ones are hardly the same. Everyone’s got their own appetite for pleasure or romance — demiromantic, demisexual, or otherwise.

If the concept seems to just live in your mind, it may be time to have some discussions with your demiromantic love interest.

The Difference Between Demiromantic and Demisexual People

A demisexual is a sexual person, but the “demi” in their sexuality only means that they would prefer to be intimate with a person with whom they already have an emotional bond. The term “demiromantic” describes a romantic attraction, while “demisexual” is a sexual identity.

There are already coined terms for homosexual and heterosexual demiromantic people. A person who feels any significant attraction to someone of the same sex or gender identifies as either homo-demisexual or homo-romantic. The person who feels attracted to someone of the opposite sex or gender is called a hetero-demisexual or hetero-romantic.

There are many avenues in which a demiromantic person or demisexual may discover themselves through friendships, romance, sex, and romantic partners. There’s no set way to live to which a demiromantic person or demisexual must strictly adhere. People are people, which is beautifully unique.

If you’re involved with a demiromantic or demisexual, check out these cool flags to support your loved one’s romanticism and sexuality. The flag represents the various ways that love is felt.

The black triangle starts the symbols which continue in green then purple as a horizontal halfway mark. White and grey combine alternately on each half of the flag’s length to form a heart behind the more vivid hues.

Check it out before your next big fun hoopla you both attend so you can show off the love that made the flag a thing in the first place!two people waving a flag

So, You’re a Demiromantic…

The most facsinating thing about a romantic attraction is that it’s scientifically backed, and you can feel freer to discover the depth of your emotions. As we have previously noted, in this area of human experiences, everyone is “normal.”

This includes the asexual demiromantic with no sexual desires for anyone on one end of the spectrum to the  demisexual with just a few romantic feelings for a few people but a lot of sexual feelings for others. 

No matter your sexual or romantic orientation, it’s all yours and the right partner for you will be there through your self-discovery!


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