What Is a Ruined Orgasm and How To Try It

Woman's hand clenching bed sheets about to orgasm

Sex is fun. There are limitless possibilities when it comes to getting off. Everyone has their own desires, kinks, and fetishes. To each their own, right? But the common denominator is eventual orgasm. So, how is a ruined orgasm classified as a sexual kink? A better question could be, how is it possibly enjoyable? A ruined orgasm sounds like the exact opposite of sexual pleasure. Why would you want to ruin your orgasm? Isn’t the whole point of sex to, you know, climax? Well, friends, as it turns out, ruined orgasms are indeed enjoyable for some people. Keep reading to learn more about ruined orgasms and why you might be interested in trying it out for yourself.

What Is a Ruined Orgasm and How To Try It?

A ruined orgasm is when one person is brought to the edge of an orgasm by their sexual partner. Only for their partner to stop sexual stimulation and as a result, ruin their orgasm. A ruined orgasm is a power play practice typically performed in BDSM sexual relationships. The submissive partner is the partner receiving the ruined orgasm. BDSM couples consider a ruined orgasm mental power play. A ruined orgasm suggests that the dominant partner is in control of their partners orgasm and decides when they can or can’t cum. A ruined orgasm is sadistic in that one partner is being denied pleasure. They are brought to the edge of ecstasy, only to not get the release they were expecting.

Get Consent

Before you try giving your partner a ruined orgasm, get consent. Like all sexual acts, especially sex acts in the BDSM realm, you must get consent. While there is very little safety risk involved with a ruined orgasm, it can be a crappy thing to do to someone. How would you feel if someone gave you a ruined orgasm without your consent? You’d feel like they were purposely trying to upset you. Or you’d think they were selfish for not caring about your pleasure. A ruined orgasm is a terrible thing to do to someone who isn’t aware of what you’re doing to them.

Blurred image of intimate couple under red sheets

Tease, Tease, Tease

The whole point of a ruined orgasm is to be a tease. You want your partner to be shaking with pleasure, only to take it from them in an instant. There are different techniques you can use for teasing your partner. Spend a lot of time on foreplay and be sure to stimulate other erogenous zones besides the obvious ones (like their genitals). You can use your fingers, tongue, or sex toys to get your partner all riled up. Pay attention to how they’re responding so you know when they’re close to orgasm. Or make them tell you when they’re about to climax. Once they’ve reached that point, stop. Ruin your partner’s orgasm by completely stopping all stimulation and contact.

Woman sitting on top of man in bed

Now What?

Once you’ve given your partner a ruined orgasm, now what? That’s up to you and your partner and how much you want to delve into sadomasochism. After you’ve given your partner a ruined orgasm, you could continue sexual activity. You could have them please you next and let them give you an orgasm. You can then return to giving them pleasure afterward and finish what you started by letting them climax. Or you could simply stop sexual activity altogether. Part of the BDSM power play with giving your partner a ruined orgasm is mentally messing with them. You show them that you can give pleasure just as easily as you can take it away. By completely stopping sexual activity once you’ve given them a ruined orgasm, you’re asserting your dominance. Every couple is different, so talk to your partner about what works best for the both of you.

Ruined Orgasm Techniques


You can ruin an orgasm by overstimulation. When you climax, your genital erogenous zones become extra sensitive. For men, the tip of their penis is the most sensitive, especially after an orgasm. In women, their most sensitive erogenous zone is the clitoris. Continuing to stimulate these erogenous spots after your partner has orgasmed can ruin their orgasm. These erogenous spots have thousands of nerve endings that feel every tiny touch. When you’re sexually aroused, these nerve endings are on fire. During an orgasm, these nerve endings are extra sensitive, so much so that more stimulation may be painful or uncomfortable.

You can ruin your partner’s orgasm by continuing to stimulate them as they climax. If your partner has a penis, focus on the tip of their penis. Rub the tip in between your fingers or use your mouth to suck on the tip as they writhe in ecstasy. If your partner’s a woman, focus your attention on the clitoris. Use a vibrator and continue to hold it there as she cums. The overstimulation will become uncomfortable and lead to a ruined orgasm.

Chastity Belts

A male chastity belt or female chastity belt can be worn by the submissive to limit how much sexual stimulation they can receive. A chastity belt is a device or garment that confines genitalia so that it is difficult for the wearer to receive sexual pleasure from their genitals. Chastity belts are more common for men in BDSM homosexual relationships. But a male chastity belt can be useful for experiencing with ruined orgasms in heterosexual relationships as well. Having your partner wear a male chastity belt will not only lead to orgasm control. It could also be used as a humiliation tactic during BDSM sex play.


chastity belt made of chairs around woman's waist

Verbal Orgasm Control

You can ruin your partner’s orgasm through verbal domination or humiliation. As the dominant partner, you can “force” your partner to follow ruined orgasm instruction. Tell your partner to masturbate, then command them to stop when they are close to climaxing. You will get the thrill of being in charge, while they will find pleasure in being under your command. You could also ruin their orgasm verbally by humiliating them with your words. While you’re masturbating them, you could verbally degrade them to kill their arousal. Or you could make unpleasant sounds to distract them from reaching their climax. Just make sure your partner is okay with being verbally humiliated before you try it with them. You don’t want to say anything that could hurt your relationship.

Dead Vibrator

A vibrator is a sex toy that is useful for bringing women to climax. Placing a vibrator on the clitoris sends waves of vibration to the sensitive nub that can result in a quick orgasm. If you’re masturbating your partner with a vibrator, pretend like it’s dead just as they are about to cum. Do this by drastically decreasing the power or pressure of the vibrator or turning it off completely. The quick loss of sensation will keep your partner from reaching their climax.


Why Do People Like Ruined Orgasms?

For many people, especially women, orgasming during sex with a partner is difficult enough as it is. The idea of someone ruining your orgasm right when you’re about to cum sounds awful. It doesn’t make sense. Why would someone want to have a ruined orgasm? For those who have difficulty orgasming during sex with a partner, a ruined orgasm doesn’t make sense. If you never come close to orgasming while having sex with your partner, then attempting to have a ruined orgasm wouldn’t work. It may work better for couples who know exactly how to make their partner reach climax. In knowing how to give pleasure lies power. Because when you can give your partner pleasure, you can take it away.

Ruined orgasms are a fetish for some couples, particularly for men. A ruined orgasm for a man turns the heterosexual gender roles the other way around. Most porn films and media portray sex as being central to the man’s orgasm. It’s done purely for male pleasure and once he’s “finished” sex itself is finished. Even if the female partner has yet to orgasm herself. But a ruined orgasm performed by the female partner on her male partner gives the female partner back her power. Sex is no longer about his orgasm. Instead, she gets to decide when and if he will come. It’s on her terms. The control play is what excites most couples about ruined orgasms.


man unhooking a woman's bra

Plus, a ruined orgasm can help a man last longer in bed. If he’s allowed to become sexually aroused without ejaculating, he can stay hard longer.

What Does a Ruined Orgasm Feel Like?

What exactly does a ruined orgasm feel like? Imagine a time where you felt like you were about to sneeze. You were so sure it was going to happen; you even grabbed a tissue in preparation. You felt it coming, and coming, and coming, and then…nothing. That release you were hoping for didn’t happen. You’re almost frustrated that you couldn’t sneeze because the build up to it was so intense. That’s sort of what a ruined orgasm feels like. You experience the build-up to an orgasm but never get to the climax.

It’s possible you’ve experienced a ruined orgasm on your own. Think of a time you’ve been having sex and the doorbell rings, or your pet jumps up on the bed. The moment is abruptly ruined, and disappointment ensues. A better example may be a time when you were masturbating and got interrupted. Maybe you were in the middle of a hot solo session when your mom tried to face time you. You couldn’t get to the point of climax because of interruption, and therefore unintentionally experienced a ruined orgasm.

Blue Balls

For women, a ruined orgasm can be frustrating. For men, it could be slightly painful. Epididymal hypertension, commonly referred to as “blue balls”, occurs in the male penis after an extended period of arousal. Blood flows to the penis during sexual arousal or stimulation, causing it to become erect. After ejaculation of semen, the blood flows away from the penis back into its flaccid state. But if a male stays aroused for an extended period of time and doesn’t ejaculate, some of the blood can stick around. When this happens, it can cause pain or discomfort in the scrotal area. The best way to relieve blue balls is to ejaculate. Ruining an orgasm for men can potentially lead to blue balls. For some men, the discomfort they feel with a ruined orgasm is what they enjoy about getting one.

How Does It Feel Emotionally?

Emotionally, a ruined orgasm can feel unsatisfying, disappointing, and frustrating. It can also feel degrading or humiliating. Degradation and humiliation are aspects of BDSM that couples may experiment with. Humiliation play can be physical or verbal. A ruined orgasm can be a form of humiliation or degradation because you are essentially taking power from someone. They are not allowed to experience pleasure in their body unless you allow it. You can take the degradation further by verbally ridiculing or humiliating them as you ruin their orgasm. Again, this should be something that you and your partner both consent to beforehand. A ruined orgasm should never be attempted on someone without their consent. Without consent, ruining an orgasm is a jackass move to do.


disappointed woman sitting at the edge of bed

Ruined Orgasm VS. Edging and Orgasm Denial

Edging is a sexual tactic that involves bringing your partner right up until the edge of orgasm, backing off, then building up again. Edging is a tactic to prolong sexual pleasure by not letting your partner orgasm too quickly. Eventually, however, orgasm is achieved. And an orgasm achieved after edging is generally more intense and pleasurable. A ruined orgasm is the opposite. A ruined orgasm builds up to the climax and then completely denies sexual gratification. Unlike edging, the person experiencing a ruined orgasm does not get their climax. They experience minimal pleasure as opposed to maximum pleasure with edging.

Orgasm denial is more like a ruined orgasm than edging is. Orgasm denial can simply be one partner, usually the dominant partner, commanding their partner not to orgasm until they say it’s okay. Orgasm denial can go on for days if the dominant partner doesn’t allow their partner to masturbate on their own. It could also be done in a night during sex. The dominant partner may get their partner close to orgasming but stop them before they do. They may demand that the submissive partner ask their permission to orgasm before they allow it. Orgasm denial plays into the same power dynamic that ruined orgasms do. One partner gives up complete control of their body and bodily responses to their partner.

Safety Concerns and Risks With Ruined Orgasms

There are very few risks or safety concerns associated with ruining an orgasm. A submissive partner, or the partner given the ruined orgasm, could potentially feel slight pain. Orgasms cause muscle contractions in the pelvic walls. The sensation is felt alongside a feeling of euphoria from the release of pleasure experienced when you climax. A ruined orgasm may bring you up to the point of feeling muscle contractions, but without the sense of euphoria. These muscle contractions could be slightly painful or uncomfortable for some people. But generally, the feeling subsides quickly with no cause for concern.

Largely the biggest risk in trying to ruin an orgasm with your partner is the emotional risk. Make sure you and your partner are on the same page about what you want from your sex life. If you like the idea of power play in BDSM relationships, ruined orgasms are only one aspect of sex play. There are plenty of other BDSM sex acts you and your partner can experiment with. Never perform a ruined orgasm on a partner who is not 100 percent okay with it. As mentioned earlier, ruined orgasms can bring with it feelings of frustration or humiliation. You don’t want your partner to feel those things if they haven’t consented to it.

The Takeaway

A ruined orgasm is a unique sexual technique most found in BDSM relationships. But you don’t have to be into BDSM to appreciate what a ruined orgasm can do for your sex life. While ruined orgasms are largely about mental power play, they don’t have to be. You and your partner could take turns ruining each other’s orgasms to spice up your sex life. Nightly ruined orgasms could be a fun way to build up to a hot sex session at the end of the week. It can help you and your partner better appreciate the gratifying sexual release of an orgasm. You never know what you’ve got until it’s gone, right? Ruined orgasms may at first sound like a strange concept, but there’s a reason people enjoy them. Talk to your partner about trying ruined orgasms in your sex life. It could be more gratifying than you think.

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