Rough Sex: A Complete Guide

Tender kisses and sweet, gentle caresses have their place and time during sex, but sometimes you just want it fast, hard, and rough. Rough sex is hot, there’s no doubt about that. According to one poll, about 62 percent of women have fantasized or engaged in rough sex. Clearly, women are interested in getting down and dirty. But what exactly constitutes as rough sex and how do you know if it’s for you? Read on for your complete guide to rough sex and how to do it properly should you choose to.

What Does Rough Sex Mean?

Rough sex has a different meaning for everyone. For some people, rough sex can mean slightly more aggressive than they’re used to (light hair pulling, back scratching, or biting their partner’s lip during an intense moment). Other people might take it to mean a full on Fifty Shades of Gray reenactment scene complete with nipple clamps and leather whips. It’s important to note that rough sex has a different meaning for everyone. Therefore, it’s imperative you and your partner discuss what rough sex means to you. There are varying levels of rough sex depending on what you’re into. For beginners, it’s always recommended you start off slow until you find what you like before getting to the more aggressive stuff. It’s also important to establish what rough sex does not mean. Rough sex is not necessarily meant to be painful or damaging. It is not abuse or a form of punishment. Sex must always be consensual, otherwise it’s not sex. It’s sexual assault. Both partners must be informed and able to consent before any form of rough sex is participated in. Some rough sex acts can include:

• Spanking/ slapping
• Hair pulling
• Biting/ scratching
• Over-the-knee spanking
• Aggressive dirty talk/ humiliation
• Bondage
• Rough play
• Choking

BDSM or dominant VS submissive role play can also be considered forms of rough sex, but rough sex is not necessarily BDSM. Although some couples choose to have a dominant VS submissive dynamic during rough sex (meaning only one partner is subjected to the rough play), many couples like to both participate in rough sex acts. For example, one partner may be the aggressor but the other partner “fights” back. Or couples might take turns being the aggressor. Oftentimes couples will see where their passion takes them. However, they should never become so “passionate” that they forget their partner’s limits.

How To Have Rough Sex

Communication

As discussed, couples should know each other’s limits before they engage in rough sex. What this means is that you and your partner will need to have an open conversation about your expectations. When you two decide that you want to try rough sex, explain to each other what that means for you. Do your research if you must and let your partner know which acts you are comfortable with and which ones you’re not. Let your partner know why you are comfortable or uncomfortable with them. Maybe you like the idea of being pinned down while being penetrated because it allows you to experience the strength of your partner, which you find sexy. But maybe you’re not comfortable with hair pulling because you fear your partner accidentally hurting your neck. Your fears and hesitations are valid and should not be ignored. Neither partner should feel pressured to engage in something they’re not into. However, sometimes telling your partner why you like something might change their mind about doing it. For example, maybe your partner feels weird about pinning you down during sex because to them it feels too forceful. But if you let them know you don’t see it that way, they may be more inclined to try it with you. Discussing your desires and limits beforehand is crucial for safely performing rough sex. Communication is the foundation of a healthy sex life and is even more so important during rough sex.

Hair Pulling

Hair pulling is seen commonly during rough sex, from both men and women. Hair pulling can be an exercise of dominance over one’s partner, like when a male partner pulls his partner’s hair while penetrating her from behind. It can also be an act of aggressive passion such as during a hot make out session or when your partner is on top of you missionary style. Hair pulling is not meant to inflict pain necessarily, and precautions should be taken not to injure your partner’s neck. Having your hair grabbed during sex is meant to exert control over you. If you’re not sure how hard you want your partner to grab your hair, have them start off gently. You can always ask them to pull harder if you find you’re really into it. The same goes for pulling on their hair. You shouldn’t start off by pulling chunks of hair off their head. Give it a few tugs during a fit of passion and see how they like it. It’s better to start off easy and progress rather than be too rough and potentially hurt your partner.

Bondage

Using restraints during sex is the ultimate form of dominance and control. The person being tied up is left totally vulnerable and at the other partner’s whim. Bondage can be a part of rough sex if you like to give your partner full control. There are many ways to experiment with bondage from handcuffs to expert rope tying techniques. If you and your partner are new to bondage, it’s recommended you stay away from the expert level stuff to start. Bondage can be risky if you don’t do it right. For safety reasons, start by using sex toy handcuffs or restraints that can easily be untied (like Velcro restraints) should a problem occur. Restraints can be used to tie your hands and feet to the bed or to restrain your hands behind your back. Never, ever tie a restraint around yours or your partner’s neck. If you want to know more about bondage sex, check out our article Sex Positions Tied Up Explained.

Spanking

We’re betting you and your partner have done a little ass slapping during sex, either playfully or in the heat of the moment. Light spanking is common during sex for many couples. Both the sound and the stinging sensation can be arousing for the receiver and giver. Most couples wouldn’t think of spanking as a form of rough sex because it is so minimally dangerous. But spanking itself is a rough sex act when it’s done to intentionally blush or bruise the skin. Spanking is a common practice in BDSM and dominant VS submissive roleplay. Sometimes the submissive will pretend to be “bad” and the dominant will “punish” them. This can involve the submissive being bent over their partner’s lap and getting spanked repeatedly. Dominant partners will either use their hand or a paddle to inflict blows on their partner’s behind. Spanking is meant to hurt a little (how much you want it to hurt is up to you), but the pleasure comes from the pain and the submission you feel being at the hands of your partner. Spanking is generally used as foreplay before the main event.

Slapping

Slapping your partner during sex can be arousing for the same reasons as spanking. It’s pain followed by pleasure. Inflicting pain for the sake of pleasure sounds strange, but it’s satisfying for those who enjoy it. Pain gets your adrenaline going which is exciting during sex. It’s this combination of pain and sexual stimulation that gets some people off. Some couples like to incorporate light slapping to the breasts, stomach, genitals, or even face during sex. It’s important to mention again that you should not be slapping your partner with the intention to harm them. How much pain you or your partner find enjoyable is your personal preference. Keep in mind, however, that certain body parts are more prone to feeling pain and may incur more visible bruising or welts. If you’re new to rough sex, it’s best to start off by incorporating light slapping. Stay away from the face or any area that may incur more visible bruising. As you and your partner become more comfortable with rough sex, you will learn your limits. From there you can experiment more with harder slapping.

Rough Play

Rough play is the most fun part of rough sex and can include anything from being pinned down, restrained, tossed around, or play fighting. Rough play allows both partners to experience aggression. Some couples enjoy role playing scenarios where one partner “fights “off the other’s advances. It’s this struggle for dominance that turns men and women on in the bedroom. According to studies, more than 60 percent of women say they have fantasized about being forced into sex. Rape fantasy is common among women but does in no way mean women wish to be assaulted in real life. Psychologists explain women’s rape fantasies as allowing them to avoid sexual blame. Even today, women are made to feel ashamed of their sexuality (how dare a woman like to have sex, right?). Being forced into sex eliminates a woman’s responsibility from the scenario. She therefore doesn’t have to feel the anxiety, guilt, or shame that may come along with other erotic sexual fantasies. Rough play allows couples to enact their sexual aggressiveness in a controlled setting with a partner they trust.

Dirty Talk

We’re all familiar with dirty talk in and outside of the bedroom. Sexting your partner dirty thoughts while they’re at work is fun and can be awesome foreplay. Dirty talk during rough sex is a bit different in that it’s a lot more aggressive. Rough dirty talk is meant to be humiliating and borderline verbally abusive. Some people like to be called names or be dehumanized by their partner psychologically. Rough dirty talk might not be for everyone as it could bring up a lot of different feelings. Words have power, even when they are not said to intentionally hurt you. You should be careful in engaging in this kind of rough sex play if you are not secure with yourself or your relationship. Being verbally abused by your partner can be psychologically damaging, even when it’s meant to be part of a fantasy. Stick with fun, sexy dirty talk until you think you’re ready to take it up a notch.

Choking

Choking is a common practice in rough sex that’s enjoyable for multiple reasons. For one, holding your partner by the throat is an act of dominance which submissive women (and men) love. Secondly, the pressure from your partner’s grip around your throat can be exhilarating. Asphyxiation during sex is a kink that both men and women enjoy. When your breathing is interrupted (like when someone has their hand around your throat) less oxygen gets to the brain. The lack of oxygen to your brain creates a dizzy, euphoric-like sensation that can feel exciting during sex. Choking during rough sex should be practiced with caution, as it can be dangerous. Practice light choking with your partner before you incorporate it more aggressively into your sex life. Remember, the idea here is not to hurt your partner. The idea is to enact dominance and bring a sense of danger into your sex life.

Safety Concerns

Rough sex should always be governed by rules to ensure both partners are safe and feel comfortable. Yes, rough sex is meant to be, well, rough. But this doesn’t mean either partner should ever feel unsafe. Remember, if it’s not a 100 percent yes, it’s a no. Sex without consent is not sex, it’s assault. The same concept holds true even once you’ve agreed to having sex with your partner. If at any time you are not comfortable with what’s happening, stop. If your partner won’t stop, then it’s assault. Safety is a huge concern during rough sex as sometimes things can get out of hand. To avoid potential problems, talk to your partner about safety protocols before you engage in rough sex.

Safe Words

Safe words are words you and your partner agree upon before rough sex that signify you’ve reached your limit. Safe words can be any word you and your partner agree upon that are used in place of “no” or “stop”. Oftentimes during rough sex, protestation is part of the rough play. It can be difficult for your partner to know if you really want them to stop or if you are just role playing. A safe word is unmistakable, however, and lets your partner know to stop whatever it is they are doing when they hear it.

Communicate Continuously

You and your partner should be communicating continuously during rough sex. Communication lets your partner know what’s working for you and what’s not. It’s very important for the aggressive partner to check in with their partner frequently, especially when their partner is in a position where it is difficult for them to speak up. Communication during sex will make the experience go much more smoothly.

Never Do It Inebriated

Alcohol and sex almost go hand in hand. It’s very common to have a glass of wine and suddenly want to rip your partner’s clothes off. Alcohol shuts off our inhibitions, which can sometimes be a good thing in the bedroom (assuming you’re with a partner you know and trust). But there is a difference between being buzzed after a glass of wine and being inebriated to the point you won’t remember anything the next day. If you and your partner are not in the right state of mind during rough sex, it can be dangerous. For one, neither of you are in the right state of mind to consent. Secondly, alcohol makes you sloppy, which, during rough sex, can lead to injury. You and your partner may not know your own strengths when in an altered state of mind. Your partner might think they are being gentle when they are being much too forceful. To avoid any accidents, don’t drink and do rough sex.

Ready to Try Rough Sex?

Ready to try rough sex but aren’t sure how your partner will feel about it? Sit down and talk to them about trying new things in your sex life. Tell them that you think it’s sexy when they’re mad and want to transfer some of that aggressive energy to the bedroom. If you’re unsure of how to express your desires, send them porn clips of sex acts you want to try. You can even send them articles (like this one) on rough sex so you both are on the same page. If your partner doesn’t seem into it, let them know that you can start slow. We guarantee there is something in rough sex for everyone. Don’t be afraid to tell your partner what you want and don’t shy away from new things. The worst-case scenario is that you don’t like it and never have to do it again. So, who’s ready to get rough and dirty?