There’s going hard in the bedroom, and then there’s hard sex. What does it mean if you like it rough during sex? Most people see aggressive sex as taboo; it is more common to think of sex as a personal, romantic act. So, what does it mean if we fantasize about our partner throwing us around on the bed and pulling our hair until we climax?
Don’t worry; you’re not alone. At least 69% of the population have fantasized about rough forms of sex. That means it’s more common than you might think to enjoy going hard in the bedroom. But fantasizing about hard sex is different than engaging in hard sex. What does it mean to go hard in the bedroom, and is it for you?
What Is Hard Sex?
To understand what hard sex is, first understand that it is not rape. Sex of any nature should always be consensual, meaning both partners must agree upon the kind of sex. If a person decides they dislike a particular sexual activity and want to stop, the other partner has a legal obligation to stop. If they do not stop, that is considered sexual assault. Both partners should enjoy hard sex for it to be consensual. If one person does not have consent, then it is not sex. It’s rape.
Now that we’ve cleared that up let’s get into what hard sex is. Hard sex, also known as rough sex, is sexual intercourse or sexual activity that is aggressive. Hard sex is sometimes sex (done consensually) that may inflict pain, asphyxiation, or bondage. Some consider forceful sex as a fetish or kink.
It’s common for both men and women to enjoy forceful sex for their reasons. While hard sex can often look rapey, that’s part of the pleasure that couples experience through this type of sex play. In short, hard sex is a type of sex role play agreed upon by both partners to derive sexual pleasure from pain.
Common Hard Sex Acts
Slapping: Slapping is a type of hard sex act that inflicts pain. Couples commonly slap each other on the face, butt, and genitals, but anywhere on the body works. The stinging sensation of a slap to the body can enhance different feelings of sexual pleasure for some people. It’s a pleasure versus pain sensory overload that is so sexually satisfying.
Fast Hard Penetration: Fast and hard penetration is a rough sex act that many couples enjoy. You and your partner can experiment with fast, hard penetrative sex vaginally and anally. Just be sure to use plenty of lubrication to avoid discomfort or injury, especially during anal sex.
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Bondage: Bondage is the Maact of restraining one partner during sexual activity. Ropes and handcuffs can tie one’s wrists, legs, or other body parts. During bondage, the dominant partner has complete control. It will help if you take certain safety precautions when experimenting with bondage. There are safe bondage techniques that all would-be BDSM fetishists should learn before tying their partners up. It’s also important to note that restraints should never be applied to the neck as that can cause asphyxiation.
Light Choking: Light choking dominates one’s partner into submission. When your partner has their hands around your throat, you are under their control. It obstructs your airway, which adds an element of danger to sex. Though light choking can be sexy when done right, it can become a safety concern if your partner doesn’t know their strength.
Dirty Talk: You’ve likely engaged in dirty talk with your partner before. It’s fun sending your lover naughty thoughts (or pictures) while they’re busy at work. You may enjoy dirty talk in bed as well. Incorporate more dirty talk into your sex life for more raunchy excitement. Dirty talk is considered an act of hard sex because of its aggression. Dirty talk during hard sex is a level above the naughty ramblings you send to your significant other while they’re working. Dirty talk during rough sex is more dominating, humiliating, and forceful. It’s not for everyone, but if you want to be called a dirty little slut, then start talking.
Sex Toys: Rough sex can often involve sex toys to get the pain and pleasure flowing. You can use nipple clamps, blindfolds, vibrators, and anal plugs during rough sex. Sometimes they are used to tease, such as using a vibrator to bring you close to orgasm, then stopping. Other times they are used to dominate or inflict pain, such as the use of nipple clamps. The use of sex toys during aggressive sex is for the more experienced, but know that they are always an option.
Biting/Scratching: Biting and scratching during sex could be considered animalistic behaviors. Scratching your partner’s back or biting their neck while on top of you is sexy. It allows you to express your animalistic passion and leaves them with a mark of love. Of course, the idea is not to scar your partner or break the skin. Biting and scratching should be light enough to give them a tingle. If you engage in this form of rough sex, make sure you file down your nails beforehand.
Why Do People Like Hard Sex?
Dominant Versus Submissive
During hard sex, it’s common for one partner to take up the dominant role while the other plays the submissive. The dominant versus submissive rough play is popular in BDSM fetish, a form of rough sex. BDSM is an acronym for bondage, domination, sadism, and masochism. Couples who like BDSM can engage in restraining one’s partner while performing intercourse, light slapping, blindfolding, pinching, forced use of sex toys, and humiliation (“forcing” the submissive partner to submit to your whim).
These acts are enjoyable for individuals who enjoy either being submissive or dominant. Submissives love the exhilaration of letting go of their control, while dominant partners like taking it. It’s sexually satisfying for both partners.
It’s Primal
Sex can be an aggressive act when passion and longing are involved. Have you ever wanted your partner so badly that you wanted to grab them by their hair and force yourself upon them?
Most of us would agree that something primal about being thrown on the bed and passionately ravaged by your partner. Our sex drive, passion, lust, and desire are primal instincts that have kept the human population going for centuries. Fortunately, self-control is also a human characteristic, meaning we know better than to do these things to our partner without asking. But when you are with a consenting partner you trust, giving in to these primal instincts can feel euphoric.
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It’s an Adrenaline Rush
The pain-versus-pleasure sensation during sex is what some people find so thrilling about hard sex. There’s an adrenaline rush you get from your partner inflicting some level of pain upon you. It happens because the aggressiveness of rough sex activates your flight or fight mode. Indeed, some studies have shown that elevated adrenaline can increase your attraction toward your partner. But unlike being in a scary situation in real life, rough sex with your partner is pretending. While you may still feel a sense of danger during rough sex, you know you are not in any real danger. It is why aggressive sex is so exhilarating.
It Plays Out a Fantasy
Similar to how hard sex allows us to give in to our primal instincts, it can also be a way to live out our sexual fantasies. Both men and women experience forced sex or rape fantasies. Though it sounds disturbing, rape fantasies don’t necessarily mean a person wants to rape someone or experience rape. Fantasy is a fictional scenario we create in our minds that we often never plan to (and rarely want to) play out in real life.
For some women who fantasize about forced sex, it could say something about their sexual relationship. Women who feel ashamed of their sexuality, for example, may fantasize about being raped because it absolves them of guilt for wanting sex. Hard sex is a way for both men and women to recreate and experience rape and other sexual fantasies in a safe and consensually.
How to Have Hard Sex
Have the Conversation
Broach the topic of hard sex with your partner when you are both relaxed and able to focus on your conversation. Post-sex may be an excellent time to talk to your partner about trying something new in the bedroom. During sex, our bodies release endorphins and chemicals known as the “feel-good hormones.” These hormones (like oxytocin and serotonin) lighten our mood and make us feel more at ease. Therefore, post-sex is an excellent time to talk because your partner will likely be more receptive to your conversation.
Whenever and wherever the conversation occurs, explain to your partner why you want to try hard sex. Maybe you want to try something new or feel your sex routine lacks passion. Explain to them what hard sex is and what specific acts you want. Let them express their thoughts truthfully and gauge their reaction.
Some people have trouble talking about sex, especially their wants and needs. Many people think sex is shameful and therefore have difficulty opening up to their partner about their fantasies. Make your partner feel as comfortable as you can to get their honest feedback. By sharing your true sexual desires, you may make it easier for them to be more open with you. A good partner will want to make you happy by trying things you like.
Remember, however, that everyone has their limits. Be prepared if your partner rejects your request. If they are not keen on the idea, then find a sex act you both can enjoy equally.
Communicate
Communication is key to having a satisfying sex life with your partner. It’s essential to communicate with your partner about your likes and dislikes in the bedroom. It’s equally as crucial for partners to respect each other’s boundaries. If you and your partner are interested in hard sex, talk about what that means for you. You may be interested in light face slapping, for example, but not choking. You must be clear about your desires or concerns before you engage in hard sex. Each partner should know what sex acts are acceptable or unacceptable before beginning.
Remember that communication should be exchanged throughout sex for each partner to understand the other’s likes and dislikes.
Safe Words
Forced sex scenarios often involve the submissive partner resisting with false protestations of “no” or “stop.” It makes it difficult for the dominant partner to know whether their partner truly wants them to stop or if it’s part of the act. In such situations, safewords are for clarification. Safewords are words chosen to represent when a partner wishes to stop sex. You can use any word as a safe word. Sometimes the more ridiculous, the better (like pineapple or lemon ball). When someone says this word, the dominant partner knows they’ve gone too far and should stop.
Safety and Prep
Hard sex is physically demanding on the body. Being slapped, restrained, or forcefully penetrated can potentially cause harmful ramifications. Before you and your partner engage in these physical acts, prepare yourself. It would be helpful to have ice packs handy post-sex for any damaged body areas. Ice packs can help prevent swelling and bruising and decrease pain.
Female partners should pay extra attention to their vaginal health as forceful penetration can cause microtears in the vaginal walls. These tears may make urinating somewhat painful but often heal themselves. To avoid potential tears, be sure to use ample lubrication. Rough sex in a dry vagina can cause tears and discomfort.
Should you incorporate any bondage into your sexual activities, be sure to have rope shears or the handcuff key conveniently nearby. In case of an emergency, you will want to be able to remove the restraints quickly and efficiently.
Start Off Easy
Start slow and easy when trying hard sex for the first time. Some hard sex acts inflict pain, but everyone has their pain tolerance. Ask your partner to start easy; they can always use more force later. Start with more tame hard sex acts, such as light ass slapping or scratching. Save the bondage and sex toys for when you are more experienced and know what you like.
Is Hard Sex for You?
If you’re not satisfied with your sex life, trying new sex acts can help to spice things up in the bedroom. Experimenting in the bedroom allows you to understand your sexuality better. You’ll learn more about your likes and dislikes. You never know what you like until you try it, right?
However, it’s perfectly normal to feel uncomfortable with trying new things. You should never feel pressured to do something you don’t like. Some of us know ourselves well enough to know what we don’t like, even if we haven’t tried it. It is never okay to pressure, coax, or intimidate someone into doing something they don’t want to do.
Hard sex isn’t for everyone, and that’s okay. Not everyone enjoys the aggressive nature of rough sex. Sex is personal. Your past experiences, expectations, and physical makeup determine how you enjoy sex. What is sexually stimulating for one person does nothing for another person. If hard sex doesn’t do it for you, no problem. There are plenty of other sexual activities.
But if you like it, there’s nothing wrong with that either. Never be ashamed of what you desire in bed. If you’re not hurting anybody, what you do during sex is no one’s business but your own.
Final Thoughts
Hard sex is primal and a much more common fantasy than you might think. There is nothing wrong with wanting to experiment with rough sex acts in the bedroom. It doesn’t mean you have violent tendencies or some deep-rooted psychological problems. Aggressive sex may link to our primal instincts of lust and passion.
Talk to your partner about trying hard sex. Likely they’ve thought about it too and will be excited for you to broach the subject. Just be sure to communicate thoroughly about what you like and don’t like. Hard sex is an experience both partners should enjoy equally and safely.
