Not every marriage is perfect; many couples tend to run into some issues. Some problems aren’t easy to solve. Of course, when your relationship first started, if you were asked, “Do you love your husband?” you would have said yes without hesitation. But as years have gone by, you notice minor signs of annoyance, little quirks that have gone from innocuous to insufferable. Well, I can tell you that this is normal. You want to find out what you are feeling before jumping to conclusions and maybe losing someone you love.
I hate my husband; what do I do? Well, hating someone that you love can be very confusing and unsettling. There are ten tips to find out what it is you are feeling. Here are a few ways to help you try and understand what is happening: Try naming what you are genuinely feeling, walk it off, ensure that you get enough time apart, be aware of what is going on with you, ask yourself if the relationship is still meeting what you need, find what triggers the feeling, look at their perspective, work it out, be sure to talk to people you trust, try to focus on the positive and seek out a therapist.
Now, of course, this is easier said than done; we all know that. Having issues in a marriage isn’t always cut and dry, but if you sit down and walk through all these steps, you will better understand why you feel the way you do. Don’t worry! Here are some helpful tips.
What are you Genuinely Feeling?
That may be a tricky question. You could be feeling a million things when you are upset or sick and tired of your husband. Hate is an immense feeling, though, especially for someone you love. Hate is thrown around a lot; for example, “I hate traffic,” or, “I hate the color pink.” These are things we say on a day-to-day basis.
Hate is a challenging emotion to grasp, especially trying to understand and explain the why. Saying, “I hate traffic,” there may be many reasons you dislike traffic, but it can annoy you even more. Most just clump it up into one word, which is hate. It is easier and way less frustrating to explain the why.
Being able to figure out the why is more important. Frustration is just a temporary emotion, primarily when you determine why you dislike or hate your husband. Clarity is needed to move forward with a plan to overcome the feeling or find a method to take the relationship elsewhere. It isn’t easy, but it is better than bottling up your emotions.
Take a Walk
Find some time to breathe; get away from the situation. It is the only way to control the fury that could be bubbling up inside you. It is a much better solution than letting the emotion take hold. You don’t want to say something you regret. So, excuse yourself, find a place to be alone, or walk around the block.
Clearing your head is the best way to control your emotions. These explosions usually come up without warning, so sometimes, you need to act quickly. You want to be somewhere to think more calmly and rationally about what triggered these emotions. Here are a few things you can do to separate yourself from the toxic situation.
- Go outside; get some fresh air. Sometimes air will allow your brain to calm down and your temperature to even out.
- If you can’t go outside, try moving to a different room. Be sure this room is secure and has a door so you can lock it if your husband tries to follow you. Be sure to express that you need a minute, so if you don’t have a room to go to or a door to lock, they know that you need a minute and to back off.
- Take a walk; walk around the block, go to your favorite coffee shop if it is close enough. If you have a friend who lives close, stroll towards their place. Just get outside, and leave the house altogether. Sometimes it is good to have new scenery to help you think calmly and rationally.
Something else that can help the situation, especially if you can get space for a few hours, is to try and meditate. Most people don’t think to sit down, close their eyes and focus on their breathing, but it can help immensely. Concentrating on your breathing for a few minutes in the quiet can open your mind to maybe why these feelings came all rushing in. You can pinpoint the act or word your husband said to cause these feelings of hate.
Get Some Time Apart
The best thing is space, not just for a few hours, but for a few days or weeks. Separation has saved plenty of marriages. When you first got married, you probably spent a lot of time together, which is entirely natural for newlyweds or even new relationships. But now, after being married and together for so long, doing things by yourself is natural.
For your marriage to thrive, you need to spend time alone and be able to do things that you used to do with other people, alone. Such as getting lunch, shopping, going to a bar, etc. Sadly, many people tend to relate their marriage to what they see on TV, or they have a standard that they are searching for. Sorry to burst your fantasy bubble, but it is on TV for a reason!
That is not real life! People spend time apart, and it is healthy. Time apart gives you a chance to recharge, balance yourself, and think about what you need rather than what you and your husband need. Spending time alone allows you to do your hobbies, rather than group hobbies to include your husband, or see people that you don’t regularly see on your own.
Spending time on your own can connect you better with your feelings and what is annoying you. When you’re with your husband, you are most definitely holding back your emotions. When you are on your own, you can connect to what you are feeling and understand where it is coming from, which can be fixed. You want to make sure that your alone time is spent doing things you love, not something you don’t love. This is your time!
Be Aware of What is Going on with You
This step is paramount and can be the difference between a failed marriage and a successful one. Lots of people tend to miss what is happening with them. Sometimes, perhaps more often than most people even realize, it goes unnoticed. You can catch something emotionally wrong by reacting a certain way towards something that you wouldn’t usually respond to, like a broken plate or your husband’s dirty clothes on the floor. When these things happen, you explode! But it wasn’t always like that.
You need to be aware of this and take care of it. It can affect other aspects of your life, not just your marriage. It can affect work and relationships with friends and family. When these things happen, you can feel as if you hate everything; your job, your house, your husband. Truthfully, you most likely don’t hate any of these things; what you actually hate is how they play into your day-to-day life, and what you need to do is find better ways to cope with this balancing act.
This can be an underlying issue, such as depression or stress. You want to come clean to your husband about these things. Sit down and talk about it; find a way to rectify the problem. Your husband will be appreciative to be welcomed into your feelings. You both can get through it, but you have to work together and be completely honest.
Is the Relationship Still Meeting Your Needs?
This is an incredibly important question, one that very few people ever take the time to address. It may be scary, especially if you have been with your husband for a while. But if the marriage is not meeting your needs and causing you to act in a way that you are not comfortable with, it may be time to move on or find a way to get it back to where it used to be. Things change; people, emotions, needs. All these adjust over time, and the only solution is to figure out how to re-acclimate to these changes.
If you feel like you regularly think, “I hate my husband,” not just when he leaves his clothes on the floor or takes two weeks to hang a picture frame, you need to connect with that feeling to ensure it is disliked. This doesn’t mean entirely that anyone did something wrong to cause this falling out. It happens; people grow apart.
At the beginning of the relationship, you may have had a strong connection; a compatible way the relationship flowed and there were no worries. Things don’t always stay like that; complications happen. The quirks and habits your husband has were once enduring and made you fall in love with him in the first place, but not everything stays that way.
Remember that marriages are challenging; if you are feeling unheard, unsupported, and your feelings are being ignored, you want to sit down with your husband and explain how you are feeling. He may not know you think that way, especially if you are the type of person who pushes all emotions away.
Before you decide that your marriage has no future, sit down and talk. Maybe go to a marriage therapist if you feel strange expressing your feelings without someone to help explain. You want to be definite before throwing years of commitment away.
What Triggers the Feeling
What triggers you to say, “I hate my husband”? What does he do to cause this feeling? You need to identify it and come to terms with it. You want to build on that feeling; saying that you hate your husband is very vague and can just be a sign of frustration. But when you sit down and think about what makes you hate him, now you can try to fix it or decide that it is unfixable, which is okay in the end. Sometimes hard choices need to be made.
This feeling can come from habits, not following directions, not meeting expectations, etc. Once you know what is causing the surface feeling, you can then sit down and talk about it. Your husband may not even realize he is doing it most of the time. Or perhaps he does, and he is not willing to change. The only way you will find out is by identifying the cause and speaking up.
Looking at it From Their Perspective
There are always two sides to the story. When feeling frustrated towards your husband’s actions, it can always help to look at it from their point of view. You may want to ask yourself, “Am I part of the problem?” I know that it is hard; we are human, and we love to blame others and not look internally.
For example, if you feel like your husband never listens to you, did you ever think your communication style may not work? Miscommunications happen all the time, especially in marriage. You said something about cleaning the dishes, and your husband thought you meant you were going to do the work, and in the end, no one did the dishes, and they end up sitting out all night.
This happens more often than not. This can be frustrating, but if your communicative style is not working, or it’s too indirect, you want to try to sit down and find a way to fix it. There are ways to be more precise or make a schedule of who will do what and when around the house. This can be easily handled and rectified—same things with habits, like biting their nails. If that drives you mad, speak up and ask them to either cut it out or not do it around you. It is a fixable problem.
Work it Out
Working it out is possible, but it needs to be done respectfully. Just yelling at each other more isn’t going to help the situation. You want to sit down with your husband and talk about things he does and how he can fix them. You have no idea, but he may have something that you do that frustrates him. Together, you can understand each other more, and it will only help out your relationship and bring you closer.
Be sure to do this respectfully, without yelling or insulting. You want an environment where you both can be honest and look within yourselves to understand where both parties are coming from. Come up with a plan to help each other break habits that you both dislike and begin better communicative action.
Reach Out to the People You Trust
Talking to someone who isn’t in the equation can give you another outlook on the situation. This can be your best friend, family member, etc. Be sure to explain the situation honestly, without hiding your faults. The more they know, the better they can help you.
They can help guide you through your emotions and identify what is causing them. Hearing it from someone else, especially if you trust them, can be easier to swallow than hearing it come from you. Sometimes, when we realize we kind of push down those thoughts and deny that we are the issue, we can come to terms a little more when it comes to someone else.
Focus on the Positive
You may be upset or hate your husband today, but what about yesterday, a week ago, or a month ago? Did you feel this way? Were you this upset? Sometimes focusing on the negative can make you stay with the anger you are feeling. Try and stay positive.
You just want to be sure you are not ignoring the more destructive issues, such as financial issues or abuse. Those things are more essential to handle and focus on finding a plan to get out of something affecting both of you.
Not all issues are worth getting worked up over. Simple miscommunications happen all the time, like not agreeing on dinner or deciding who does the dishes or other chores. Those are easy problems with an easy fix: Simply talk it out instead of letting them fester. Otherwise, small issues like that will inevitably lead to much bigger issues down the line.
Try sitting down for a minute when you feel hatred towards your husband and close your eyes. Think about a favorite moment between the both of you, or list your husband’s best qualities. Focus on things that make you love him even more. If this is happening during a disagreement, take a step back and say something like, “I am feeling stressed out. Can we take a break on this and come back to it later?” Sometimes, taking a break from the argument can make things more transparent. Maybe you did have a stressful day at work and brought those emotions home, which many of us do, affecting your feelings towards a simple issue.
See a Therapist
Maybe you don’t hate your partner, but you hate their behaviors, such as drinking, dishonesty, or cheating. You may want to see someone about these things because they are not something that can be quickly resolved until your husband wants to change.
A couple’s therapist can help a lot; they act as a mediator to help express what either party is feeling or be a referee to stop toxic fights. They are there to help both of you; they do not pick sides. There is no need to feel ashamed for seeing a therapist, and many couples use this resource to help strengthen their relationship.
If there are minor things that your husband does that aren’t harmful or destructive, maybe see a therapist for yourself. They can help identify your emotions. They can guide you in handling different situations that are happening at home. Also, they may ask you to bring your husband with you to talk about these minor inconveniences you are experiencing.
Everyone says, “I hate my husband,” from time to time; hatred is a natural feeling. Many people can become frustrated with the habits and actions of their significant other. If anyone has told you marriage is easy, they were very wrong. Marriage is work, and it will only work if you both are honest and work together to resolve these issues.
Try and follow the steps provided to the best of your ability; again, it is easier said than done. But if you can take a minute, identify your emotions, and clear your head, things can be a little easier to figure out. Tell someone or find a therapist to help with the most significant problems if you have destructive issues with your husband.