Key Points
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There is high pressure from society for couples, especially women, to have children and this expectation to start a family complicates dating without kids.
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Not wanting to have children is a deal breaker for many relationships, making dating tricky if you want to live child-free.
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If you are dating without kids, be honest with the people you are seeing to avoid wasting each other’s time.
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Check out dating apps intended for child-free dating to find singles that share your values
Society dictates a “normal” sequence of events in one’s life including college, career, marriage, and children. This creates a stigma for people that choose to opt out of these milestones. If you decide not to have children, dating becomes even more difficult. Rest assured there are plenty of people that share your choice of dating without kids or plans of kids in the future.
Stay true to your values of wanting to live a child-free life and be honest about dating without kids. To avoid heartbreak and disappointment down the line, don’t start a relationship with someone that aspires to have a family. Be patient and find someone who agrees with your family views to build a fulfilling life without babies.
Societal Pressure
Your in-laws keep reminding you how much they want grandchildren, your friend is pregnant with her third baby and asks when you’re getting pregnant, and your coworkers tell you over and over that babies are the greatest joy in the world. What if you don’t want to have kids at all?
Societal pressure sets an expectation for people to get married and have children quickly after. That is the natural progression of life. There is a stigma attached to not wanting children, which creates shame for people who decide to do something out of the “norm.”
There are endless reasons for not wanting children including health concerns, financial instability, political climate, and just not liking rugrats! Regardless of your reasoning, you do not need to explain yourself to anyone. Not wanting kids is a perfectly acceptable choice to make for your life, so never feel ashamed of your reproductive choices.
Push back against this pressure by focusing on your own goals, knowing that you are making the best decision for your life. Don’t cave into someone else’s expectations of your family.
The societal pressure to have children is more intense for women than for men. Over the past few decades, women have pushed the boundaries of their role in their home lives. They now have greater opportunities to pursue careers or other life goals rather than staying barefoot and pregnant. While having a successful career or a fulfilling life outside the home sometimes complicates the question of whether or not to have kids, women are freer than ever to make their own choices.
It is still shocking for many to hear that someone chooses not to have babies, but more people are opening up about this personal choice. As the conversation normalizes, the stigma slowly but surely disappears. Be proud of your decision to live your life for yourself regardless of other people’s expectations.
Dual Income, No Kids
Millennials and Gen Z see the beauty of not being a parent and have branded such a lifestyle as “DINK,” an acronym for “dual income, no kids.” This new term has trended on social media and many consider it to be an ideal situation for a family.
Living the DINK lifestyle provides opportunities for couples to travel freely, live a calm and luxurious lifestyle, spoil their pets, become plant parents, or do anything else they dream of doing. Rather than viewing your choice to opt out of parenthood as avoidance of children, reshift your perspective. Sans children, you are taking care of yourself and your significant other with the fulfilling DINK lifestyle.
It is a beautiful thing for you and your partner to decide your world is full enough without adding children to the mix. Family takes many forms and it is up to you to decide what kind of family to create. Enjoy your peace, dual income, and romantic choice to share a fulfilling child-free life.
Be Honest About Not Wanting Kids
When dating with intentions for a long-term relationship, be honest about your plans to not have children as soon as possible. Talking about plans for children seems heavy for a first date, but don’t waste your date’s time.
The longer you wait to find out that your goals don’t align with someone, the harder it is to break up. Before committing to someone, discuss important topics to avoid surprises and hurt feelings later.
If you are just dating for fun or short term, there is no need to disclose your family plans — as long as the person you are dating knows it is short term as well. If you want to understand your fling a bit better or hear their perspective on a taboo topic, hit them with the "do you want to have kids eventually" question upfront for a little fun.
Introduce the Topic
When you decide to have the important conversation with your date, ask them what their future family plans are. This gives them the space to tell their truth without your immediate "no" hanging in the air. People say or do anything to make a new relationship work — even mask their desires to align with yours. If you open the conversation with the fact that you don't want children, your date doesn't have an opportunity to express how important children are to them.
Be Clear
If you are dead set on your decision to never have children, be clear about this when it is your turn to share. Don’t leave a gray area in your response. Tell them this is non-negotiable for your future and you don’t want to waste time with someone whose future does not align with yours. It’s tempting to give a vague answer that you “might” want kids one day, or you “don’t think” you want children, but this leaves them with the hope that the relationship could work.
Pushing this conversation off or assuming that your differing perspectives will work out later is a recipe for disaster. The longer you wait to realize your family goals are incompatible, the more difficult it is to end the relationship. Don’t shock them later with the news that you never had any intention of having children.
Why?
Your date may ask you why you do not want to have children. It is up to you how much or how little information you wish to share with them. It's acceptable to simply state that having children does not align with your vision of the future. Explaining how and why you made this decision, however, allows your date to understand you more deeply and provides them useful insight into why someone decides to live a child-free life.
Avoid Outside Pressure
Many people don’t take someone seriously when they say they don’t want to have children. People assumed that you’ll change your mind, you’re going through a phase, or you haven’t met the perfect co-parent yet. Don’t allow someone to talk you into changing your mind, whether it is your parent, society, a friend, or your significant other. This is an intensely personal decision and not something for others to decide for you.
It is a major red flag if someone tries to convince you that you should want children. They do not respect your decision and likely believe that they understand your desires better than you do. Politely yet firmly tell that you have made up your mind and this is the best decision for you.
If your partner is the one that has decided not to have children, don’t try to convince them otherwise. Even if they eventually cave into your pressure, they’ll harbor resentment towards you throughout the relationship.
Have children with someone that shares your desire to start a family. Doing so avoids creating a toxic dynamic before you even conceive.
How to Handle Differing Values as an Established Couple
Realizing that family goals don’t align in an established relationship is heartbreaking. Whether the conversation came too late, someone changed their mind, or you just ignored the issue from the start, you must eventually face the conflict and decide whether to move forward together or break up.
Even if you discover a difference in family plans at the beginning of the relationship, many couples ignore the issue. They assume their significant other will eventually change their mind about having children. As the relationship progresses and you spend months or even years together, the topic of realistic next steps inevitably arises. You suddenly face the realization that neither of you has changed your mind. Either someone ends up sacrificing their desires and resenting their partner, or the relationship ends.
Couples that have strong, differing views on children are likely to break up over the issue. According to psychologist Nicole Martinez, these types of break-ups are for the best. "This is very hard, and one I see in a lot of couples work, and obviously a lot of couples that break up. If one person wants children, and is capable of having children — if they have only pictured their life as happy and fulfilled with a child, then this may not be the relationship for them.”
See a therapist to mediate this difficult conversation. Discuss what you both want for your future and reasons why you do or don’t want children. Openly discussing your reasoning provides answers and clarity to your significant other during such a frustrating time.
Sometimes it's possible to work around the reasons you don't want to have children. For example, if you don’t want to raise an infant, you and your partner compromise to adopt an older child. If one of you is infertile, discuss fertility treatments or adoption with your doctor. If you have concerns about financial circumstances, review your budget to see exactly how a child fits into it. Solutions are possible in some circumstances, but always be careful not to force each other into something that you don’t want.
There is no gray area or meeting halfway when it comes to having children. It’s tempting to say or do just about anything to stay with someone you love, but having unwanted babies in an attempt to salvage a relationship is unfair to you, your partner, and the children.
If a breakup is best for your situation, use this guide to find happiness again after ending a long relationship.
Dating Apps and Sites for the Child-Free
It's relatively easy to be transparent about your preferences when using dating apps. Simply mention in your profile that you do not want children to weed out those who do. If this approach doesn't work for you, switch over to child-free dating apps to ensure everyone you swipe on shares your values.
Bumble
Bumble is one of the most popular dating apps out there. It features a reverse dynamic in which women always message men first. Although this is not an exclusively child-free dating app, there is a premium option to filter your potential matches exclusively to other people that do not want children.
Reddit users report that this feature is a lifesaver for someone that never wants kids. It significantly limits the number of people available for you to swipe on, but at least you know there is a chance with all of them.
Some child-free swipers report that not enough people take the time to fill out this portion of their profile, limiting the number of profiles to swipe on with this setting. If you have the patience to find others within the entire dating pool who share your values, add a Bumble badge to your profile to proudly announce that you do not want to have children. This at least weeds out people that prioritize having babies one day and attracts people that do not.
CFdating
Serious about dating someone who shares your desire to live a child-free life? CFdating matches individuals who want a relationship without children. It is completely free to use and has a real-person verification system to avoid any fake profiles.
CFdating provides a safe and authentic community of people that are just as serious about dating as they are about not having kids.
OkCupid
OkCupid is among the first dating sites ever created, long trusted by its users and the community. It has lots of amazing free-to-use features that prioritize the compatibility of matches. A new feature allows you to filter users so you only see singles that aren’t interested in having kids.
Set up your profile and select “doesn’t have kids and doesn’t want them” to properly tailor your dating experience.
EliteSingles
EliteSingles offers a child-free dating version of their site but without awkward explanations and conversations about planning families. It is one of the top sites for child-free dating among dating coaches and users.
EliteSingles is for people with highly successful careers. If you have a high level of education and financial success and want to meet someone that’s on your level, this is the perfect place to find them. Plus, you don’t even need to think about changing a dirty diaper.
Hinge
Hinge is another mainstream dating app, not exclusive to people choosing to not have children, but just as useful for finding your child-free match. Hinge offers many different badges and personal details to fill out on your profile. One of the top details to fill out is your stance on having children. Let your potential matches know whether you have kids, want kids, you’re open to kids, or you never want kids.
It shows your intentions for family building along with other demographic information and habits including height, zodiac sign, diet, drinking habits, and exercise habits. Most users on Hinge fill out this kind of information, so the app is quite successful in filtering out those who don't share your firm stance on family futures.
Hinge is similar to social media. To show someone your interest in them, send them a like or comment on their profile prompts and photos. Do all of this without matching, which provides ample opportunity for your cute profile to catch their attention. Send a like to all the hotties on the app that also declare their desire to live child-free.
Kindred
Kindred is a new dating app for people that don’t foresee kids in their future, whether by choice or fate. This app is also available to existing parents that don’t want to have any more children. The app is free to use and features a beautiful, modern interface.
Kindred boasts a diverse group of users that have various experiences and perspectives. Join this inclusive and growing community to find that perfect match who doesn't need an explanation of your family choices.
Find Strength in Community
As it is still a bit taboo in society to not want children, it’s difficult to find support from like-minded people. There are many online communities to join or forums to explore that provide useful perspectives from others. Feel less alone in your family choices by joining these communities and possibly even sharing your own story.
Check out Reddit threads in which child-free individuals and couples tell very personal stories about their experiences. Go to the CF4CF subreddit to flirt with singles. Individuals that don’t want kids come here to find dates with people that share their values. Find the perfect match for you, new friends, or just interact with the diverse community of child-free people.
We Are Childfree
We Are Childfree is a website that celebrates people who choose to live a life without kids. The company started as a personal portrait project and has since blossomed into a whole community of like-minded people.
The website offers stories, podcasts, community forums, newsletters, merchandise, and even member-exclusive events. Check out their resources to find empowerment in the choice to live child-free.
The NotMom
As a childless only child who felt lost without the big family she dreamed of, Karen Malone Wright created The NotMom. After trying and failing to find support in groups for empty nesters, infertile women, pre-adoptive women, and many other communities, she created The NotMom with her husband.
The NotMom is for women who are not mothers, either by choice or by chance, to meet in real life and connect. The website includes blogs, podcasts, and other resources for women without children.
Join this wonderful community of women appreciating other women who are not mothers.
Enjoy Your Child-Free Life
For thousands of years, society has set a standard for couples to reproduce. As more people are vocal about their decision not to have children and women gain independence, the stigma of a child-free life slowly fades. It’s even trendy to live a DINK lifestyle!
Deciding whether or not to have children is a personal choice. Dating apps let you display your child-free preference on your profile to ensure your matches are aware of your decision. Several support groups exist for you to find strength in a community of like-minded people.
Find a partner that shares your goals, and don’t cave into the pressure to have children for someone else. It’s better to stay single than waste your precious time dating someone you have no future with. Align your values with a new boo from the start of a relationship to ensure you both head in the right direction. Stay true to yourself, communicate your expectations, and enjoy your child-free life.
