There’s a belief that the more dates you go on, the more likely you are to statistically find who or what you want in a romantic partner. Unfortunately, contrary to popular belief, this can only lead to exhaustion and lowered expectations from constantly being in the dating scene. The number of dates you go on does not equate to a know-all perspective and persona when it comes to picking who you want to go on a date with, and it sure doesn’t equate to being more successful.
It would be best if you take dating at your own pace. Don’t exhaust yourself by constantly going on dates with others you may or may like. That’s not conclusive to inflicting a healthy and happy persona of who you are as a person and lover to others that are meeting you for the first time. People aren’t numbers—they’re people, just like you, and you should treat them as such. Don’t set yourself up by experiencing an existential crisis because you went on five dates this week, and none were successful.
Throughout this article, we will discuss the limbo of digital dating and why you shouldn’t look at dating as a numbers game.
The Impersonability Of Today’s Dating Society
With the access of dating apps with continuous streams of more dating options, there has become a lack of impersonality in today’s dating society. If one date doesn’t go well, there are hundreds and thousands more options at the touch of your fingertips. And with one swipe right or left, you can either eliminate or encourage the possibility of dating a person you’ve never met before (though sometimes you may know someone).
People Are Not Seen As Individuals
Rather than seeing a person as, well, a person, today’s dating society and dating apps encourage the thinking of other human beings to be seen as “commodities” over individuals.
The dating scene is more of a marketplace, with books and dating advice being marketed and exalted over being personable and relational as human beings. Dating apps make it easier to perceive dating society or dating opportunities with the availability and catering to personal interests, hobbies, careers, and the like primmed and starred on their profile page.
Now, people can “shop” for dating or prospective romantic partners like they can shop on Amazon or other online stores on social media with customization of the different participants that pop up on your screen. It removes a personability and intricate connection that we, on a biological level, cater to as human beings. The need for compassion, attraction, love, and intimacy is pushed to the side in today’s dating society, especially when people look at other people as “numbers” over individuals.
Sexual Market Value
A person’s sexual market value (SMV) refers to the mating value of that person. From social skills, dating skills, attractiveness, physical characteristics, personality, fitness, health, career, financial status, and so on, these indicators are all used to place a numeric value on a person in the market for sexual success.
This type of rating only increases the lack of impressionability that has been drastically and disgustingly enforced onto humankind by a data-driven formula and aspect ratio placed on the players placing high stakes on dating. From speed rating a person by swiping left or right by appearance alone and closing off against getting to know people based on other attractive qualities like personality and impressionability, we eliminate the chances of success in dating. This issue is common in dating from New York to Hong Kong.
There is more value to a person than their financial success, physical attractiveness, etc. Rating a person’s sexual market value proves the toxic and unrealistic expectations placed on people all to find someone more sexually attractive than another.
The Malleability Of One’s Sexual Market Value
Sexual market value is malleable. There are plenty of ways to raise one’s sexual market value (also known as “attractiveness”), from starting to work out consistently and regularly at the gym to gain muscle and lose fat, improving your impressionability, learning to be an in-depth conversationalist that caters to social cues, and so on.
Self-esteem, self-confidence, and other emotional factors can cater to one’s assessment of their sexual market value. Understandably, people have low and high days. Body dysmorphia plays a significant role in many people’s lives, affecting confidence levels. Mental health issues can cause self-esteem and other redeeming qualities to fluctuate with the spurts of consuming depression and anxiety that rifles through many people’s lives.
You’re More Likely To Aim High
It is more common for a person to aim for a person with a higher sexual market value than their own. It can be due to biological mating inflictions or simply because they’re “hot” or “attractive.”
Many strive to obtain a partner or mate of higher sexual market value over a partner of a lower sexual market value. There tends to be a higher likelihood for a person to link up with a person of about the same sexual market value in the dating scene. It is assortative mating.
Sexual Market Value–Men
A woman is more likely to find a man more attractive if they are a provider. According to women, the male’s occupational status is a contributing factor to sexual market value. In all manners of religion, culture, and countries, women chose a man with resources over a man without resources.
Even if the woman has resources herself, she will still choose a man who has resources well over a man who does not. It shows that women with high-income jobs and careers place high value in a prospective romantic partner with a high income, or professional status, and other degrees.
Women and men value kindness in their partners, especially when that kindness is on them over others. This tendency to desire kindness in a mate relates to the promise of a supporting partner in a long-term relationship that they will be treated kindly, compassionately, and cared for dearly. The need for this is more so as life comes with its hard times and bumps in the road. Having a partner by your side that can take on the supporting role to guide you through it is understandably desired by women and men alike.
From the women’s perspective, kindness in a prospective male partner may encourage the assumption that they will be able to commit to the relationship and provide a leading role as a father and lover.
Sexual Market Value–Women
Men are more likely to depend upon physical appearance to rate a woman’s sexual market value over a woman to a man.
Physical characteristics like large eyes, big breasts, clear skin, waist and hip ratio, muscle tone, and facial symmetry are some of the few qualities a man analyzes when considering a woman’s sexual market value.
Men value kindness in their partners as much as women do. Men desire a supportive partner in a romantic relationship, where they will be treated kindly, compassionately, and cared for affectionately.
Digital Dating Limbo
For busy or introverted individuals, digital dating can seem like the only opportunity to find a romantic partner. Online dating can quickly become unappealing and time-consuming after an exhausting day at work or constant unsuccessful swipes and conversations with prospective partners. It’s no wonder dating apps are being removed and then re-downloaded!
Find An App That Satisfies Your Needs
There are many different dating apps available for younger adults to divorced parents, and finding the right one is essential in increasing an opportunity for success when online dating. Apps like Tinder, Hinge, and Bumble, are some of the more commonly heard or referred dating apps, but there are many more dating app options out there.
Do your research to find a dating app that suits your needs and preferences to increase your online dating success rate.
Online Chemistry Doesn’t Equate To In-Person Chemistry.
Understandably, you’d get hyped up if you have chemistry with a person when chatting online, but that doesn’t equate to having chemistry in person.
There is a boatload of factors that can engage sexual attraction and interest between two prospective romantic partners when it comes to chemistry. That’s why relying solely on text exchanges, memes, and funny gifs from an online dating app isn’t the most reliable source to gauge chemistry with a prospective partner. This perception of a person through messaging on an online dating app can also inadequately raise expectations that will undoubtedly end in disappointment when finally meeting them in person. That is because expectations can be unrealistically high, hence the inability for a person to meet them successfully.
Set Up A Video Chat
It can be nerve-wracking for all the introverts and shy people out there, and not only just them either. Setting up a video chat with the prospective romantic partner you’ve been chatting up can be a perfect way to get to know someone. You can hear their voice for the first time, take note of their body language and how they express emotion, their tone of voice, and so forth.
A video chat can either improve or eliminate the sexual attraction and possibilities between two people when online dating. Take the risk and be bold! Let them know you’re interested in getting to know them outside of a phone barrier.
Include Some Icebreakers
Through video chat or text messaging with a prospective romantic partner, try to include some icebreakers. These can be fun or introspective, deep and engaging, humorous and lively. Either way, they’re a great way to get to know how a person thinks, what they value, what they’ve experienced, etc.
Icebreakers are the perfect method of getting to know someone so you can go from being strangers to dating in real life. You want the questions to go both ways, so actively participate on both sides, not just a one-sided interrogation.
A Poor Online Profile Can Lead To An Interesting Date
Though often we may swipe left when we see a poorly made dating profile, those people might prove to be awesome dates. Not everyone is tech-savvy, creative, or experienced in dating, which can lead to a poor profile on a dating app.
Give others a chance, be humble. Like you, they’re people with flaws, joys, imperfections, and perfections. Each person has their flaws and their pluses. You’d be surprised how fun and compassionate that one guy with the—albeit a bit cringe-y—mirror selfie is in real life!
Take The Time To Research
Learn about your date, commit the time to get to know them and what they like to show you care and invest in them!
A study discovered that at least 76% would research before their upcoming date. Whether it be making sure you’re not about to be catfished or checking in to make sure their date isn’t in a steady relationship or marriage , it’s not uncommon to do some necessary investigating when getting ready to meet someone for the first time.
It’s not a bad idea to get some necessary research to ensure you are safe and not getting into a toxic or unbeneficial relationship.
Meet Them As Soon As Possible
Please don’t wait to meet them in person! Try to set up a date to meet them in person as soon as possible. Please don’t allow the relationship to die because you kept it in the electronic realm of online dating, where many prospective relationships remain unfruitful.
Remaining in the online dating platform doesn’t bear fruit in the long run. Engage with your prospective romantic partner by setting up a date and time to meet them in real life. If you two live in different states, countries, or are long-distance, set up a video chat call with them. It allows for a more personable opportunity to get to know them—how they talk, what their voice sounds like, how they react emotionally with their body language, what their laugh sounds like, etc.
Don’t waste time and effort you’ve put into engaging with your prospective romantic partner. Set up the date or video chat and get to know them more personally rather than sticking to engaging with them through your phone, which can only last so long before one or both of you get sick of it.
A Quick Meet And Greet
If you’ve never met this person in real life before, don’t go on a full-on,dressed-to-the-nines dinner date. You haven’t met this person in real life before, so you won’t know whether there is chemistry or any sexual attraction between you. Don’t get stuck on an hour-long or more dinner date out of pure politeness because you’re too polite to say, “Screw it.” and leave.
For the first time meeting in real life, sit down for coffee and chat at the local coffee shop. Go for drinks at the local dive bar or grab a brew at the local brewery. At dime locations like a coffee shop or bar, it is much easier to “step away” or leave on short notice because you’re not feeling them or the vibe coming from them.
Make sure the environment or setting you choose isn’t overly loud or crowded. You want to be able to hear them clearly when they speak.
Be Upfront About Your Expectations
Setting healthy boundaries and clear expectations for a relationship can prevent a teeming boatload of stress, tension, and disappointment. By stating your expectations upfront, you can save yourself a lot of time and energy at the start of the relationship rather than start talking to them for weeks or months only to find out that they want to be friends with benefits rather than to date with the intention of marriage down the road.
The goal is to be on the same page rather than different books. There should be an intention of open communication, mutual respect, and healthy boundaries spoken and understood between two potential romantic partners.
Clearly express that you’re not trying to “pressure” them or force them to commit or anything along those lines. Instead, state that you wish to express your intentions and expectations at the forefront clearly, so there isn’t any room for miscommunication or dishonesty if the relationship progresses.
There is no need for speed in the realm of dating. Treating people as “numbers” rather than individuals creates a disconnect between you and a prospective partner. The continuous speed dating only proves to be exhausting and disappointing, resulting in the possibility of an “existential crisis.” We’ve all heard it before, but the comparison game is not fruitful.
Dating should be at your own pace. Be realistic. Get to know people as who they are rather than their dating profile. And next thing you know, you have yourself a partner.