Finding love is hard enough, but when you or your partner are healing from , those early emotional scars can continue to create problems in your if left unchecked.
What Looks Like
is when a parent, legal guardian, or someone who is responsible for a ‘s well-being abandons a with no regard for their health, safety, or emotional well-being, compromising the ‘s physical and emotional needs.
can look like a being dropped off on someone’s doorstep or left behind, and it can also look like neglect where a parent is always working or is away too often to provide emotional support, or . Regardless of how or when the occurred, the effects can linger into adulthood as those now-grown-up-children begin to form .
The Signs and of
Having isn’t necessarily the dinner conversation you expect to have on a first or even a third date. These events are deeply personal, traumatic, and can be incredibly hard to discuss with someone you’re just beginning to know. Some people may not even recognize their as or may feel it doesn’t count. A few of the more classic signs of to look for are: being emotionally unavailable or distant, hyper-sensitive to criticism or rejection, , of intimacy, demanding control, being quick to settle down and people please or, similarly, a reluctance to commit.
can be hard to spot, especially early on in a and before living together. Deflections or avoidant behavior can feel like typical “games” that people play when they’re just starting to date (i.e.: don’t call or text for a few days after the first date), when really it’s just the first phase in the cycle of . One or two of these behaviors might be manageable, but when the of begin to stack, it can cause real harm to your .
How Impact Your
The psychological effect of issues can have major impacts on . in your early years is a traumatic loss that you can’t comprehend, and a devastating familial rejection that makes creating intimate relationships much harder. Building honest, trusting, and healthy adult also means learning how to heal from and live with your feelings of , trust issues, and even inadequacy that comes with being a left behind.
At the end of the day, we all want to be loved and trusted completely by our person, but when your foundation has been built on it can be hard to crack through and rebuild. Luckily, there are ways to recognize and heal from the , and have the long-lasting meaningful relationships you deserve.
and Trust
A looks up to their parent and trusts them to do the job of taking care of and protecting them. So, when that parent all of a sudden walks out, a assumes that they’ve done something wrong, that they’re bad, or somehow deserved to be abandoned. When you’re taught from an early age that you aren’t wanted or that you aren’t good enough, it can set you up to choose emotionally unavailable partners, have self-esteem issues, and even intimacy.
and Intimacy
When you have a of intimacy, you may choose partners who aren’t affectionate or intimate, or you may personally avoid it as a way to protect yourself from getting hurt. This intimate distance between you and your partner can further feed into that feeling of not being good enough or of being unlovable, and in some ways acts as a self-fulfilling prophesy. When a break up happens, it causes even more hurt and around intimacy, and justifies the avoidant behavior.
and Shame
Adults with will typically internalize the experience as shame or the inherent belief that they are somehow unworthy of love and attention. As they grow, they learn to tell themselves that they don’t deserve it and therefore don’t need it, so they learn to hide their needs and even who they are as people to feel accepted by society.
In order to fill the gap of unworthiness, some children will grow into perfectionists, over-achievers, and people-pleasers. You disappointing anyone, turning people down, or feel like you always need to be the straight-A student, the MVP, the leader of the pack in order to prove and earn your worth.
Things like imposter syndrome and rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD), while commonly attributed to people with ADHD, can also be similar to those who have . You don’t want to disappoint anyone or make them upset, but if you let someone down even a little, you feel as though your perceived true and unlovable self is shining through and may just assume that people think the worst of you even if that’s not the case.
and Triggers
When you’re living as an adult with , the most random things can trigger your insecurities and make you feel like a again. In thinking about triggers and how to communicate them to your partner, it can be helpful to break them down into the key senses: sight, smell, touch, taste, hearing.
Scents Memory
Our sense of smell is an incredibly powerful memory tool and can bring up feelings and events we’d long forgotten. Let’s say your partner snuggles up to you right after showering with the same soap your dad always used to use, it can be an unexpected and instant emotional gut-punch.
Sight and Mind
Visuals, especially if the memory of the traumatic event has gone unprocessed or forgotten, can also bring up unanticipated memories and feelings. You could be visiting a friend’s new house only to go into their bathroom and realize it’s the same set-up as the one you were locked in when your parent left you. Treatments like eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) have proven to be incredibly helpful in controlling and processing these painful memories.
Food Insecurity
Food is hugely important to feeling secure and is similar to smell, in that meals create memories. If you or your partner have , you might’ve also have experienced not knowing when you would get to eat next, creating around food. Food insecurity can look like an unwillingness to share meals, an , personal and/or hidden stashes, and even hoarding food.
Trusting Touch
Touch, a sense so important it’s been deemed a love language, is an intimate act that requires trust. Children who were neglected, experienced , or physical abuse in their homes may take more time to warm up to being touched. They may have parts of their body where they will never feel comfortable being touched; necks, chests, backs, or even hand squeezes can be triggering for those who are living with this . They may also question intimacy if they were an abandoned , even when they’re in .
Hearing Goodbye
It is incredibly hard to think back on the day that someone as important as your mother or father leaves you; run deep and create lasting . That key person might have put on their favorite record before packing their bags and walking out the door, making that nostalgic sound an instant replay of one of your loved one’s .
and Control
If you or your partner has grown up with , then you’ve also grown up rooted around an event where you were refused control. What that can turn into as you grow into an adult is a of which leads to a need for control, whether that be of others, situations, or something else, but it’s a behavior that can catch you off guard if you don’t know what the signs.
What this can look like if your partner is the one with , is a mood swing from totally easy-going and confident, to needy, smothering, or even suddenly distant. This reaction is similar to a phobia, but it’s a response that they’ve built their world around to justify and understand what happened to them.
Tips for Dating Someone with
Healing traumas, especially if that is can be incredibly challenging, not just for the person living with the , but for partners and loved ones as well. Here are a few techniques that may help support someone dealing with .
Remember to stay calm, even if they seem like they are trying to provoke you to leave. Behavior like this typically occurs because they’re trying to justify them not being good enough or prove that they are a reject, so do your best to stay calm. Sometimes it’s okay to go to bed mad; rather than pushing for an immediate answer or fix, give your person the space to come to you when they’re ready. A major part of is growing up assuming that everyone is just waiting for their moment to leave, so honesty is key. It’s okay to let them know how they’re behavior impacts their relationships and the people around them.
Learning to Heal Your
Healing from your own is an ongoing process; it’s not something that will fix itself overnight. Psychological effects like poor self-confidence, trust, and the need to control others are common in those who are dealing with and they’re behaviors that can severely impact the way that we build and maintain .
Some techniques to manage your emotions long-term can be to realize and address cruel self-talk as it’s happening and correcting yourself to something kinder and more realistic. Setting routines and practicing self-care are also important parts of healing and encouraging . Simple things like going for a walk, eating foods that are both good for you and that you are excited to have, reaching out and maintaining the relationships you have with friends and family, and setting aside the time to do something fun or creative. Perhaps most importantly, look up therapists near you and see about setting an appointment with someone who can help you navigate the healing process.
Another thing to keep in mind as you begin the journey of healing your is that what happened to you when you were younger was not your fault. The failing was one the adults who left you, not on you. Your emotions and your needs are valid and it is okay to find healthy ways of expressing those needs.
Building
Having a healthy with your romantic partner is crucial if it’s a partnership that you would like to last long-term. That bond will look a little different from couple to couple, but there are a few universal truths when it comes to building strong that may not come so naturally to those living with .
Communication
A phrase that’s said so often it gets overlooked: communication is key. If communicating your feelings is hard for you or your partner because of , it’s important to know that that hesitation is entirely normal. It can be scary to voice our needs because in order to communicate honestly, we have to trust the person we’re being open with, which can be an incredibly vulnerable position to find yourself in.
For those of you working through , remember that practicing open and honest communication in your not only helps teach your partner about how you want to be treated, but it teaches your brain that your needs and your voice are important and worthy of being heard and met. You can fight the negative self-talk by opening up to your partner. For example, saying something simple like: “I like being touched, but when you rub your thumb repeatedly over the same spot on my hand, it starts to irritate the skin” can save you from the annoyance of being touched in an uncomfortable way, saves you the of wondering if they’ll be angry with you for asking them to stop, and sets boundaries and expectations for how to touch you going forward.
It can be easy to slip into the pattern of wanting to please everyone and keeping your feelings to yourself, but if you allow yourself to communicate with your partner it can enhance your love life and create a lasting and unshakeable bond.
Affirmation
Affirmations are one of the easiest and quickest ways to train your brain to be kinder to yourself, and they’re something that you can do alone or with a partner. What’s an affirmation? An affirmation is a positive statement that challenges your negative thoughts, and when these statements are repeated often they can help you repair your self-esteem, believe the positive words you speak about yourself, and build a strong personal with yourself.
Self-affirmations are great for your and can be practiced in a variety of ways. Some people incorporate touch with their statements, for example: when you’re in the shower, run your hands over the parts of your body that you are insecure about or find unlovable and say something positive about that part of you. Statements as simple as “strong legs”, “pretty shoulders”, and “healthy tummy”.
For someone healing from , a good example of a positive vocal affirmation might be “I am worthy of love”, “I am worthy of my “, or “I am a good partner”.
A great way to practice this in your is by reminding your partner often of how important they are to you, why you love them, and genuine compliments that will boost their self-esteem. If your partner is struggling with their self-esteem may also be struggling as a result. Not only will affirming your partner remind them that they are loved, but it will also help them see themselves in the same way.
Call Attention to the Problem
When we get stressed, we can start to say things that we don’t mean and act out in ways that can hurt ourselves and others. You may be even able to sense that your partner is getting frustrated or that they’re starting to bottle-up. They may say things like “I’m so stupid” or “worthless” or talk about why they aren’t worthy or good enough-a simple and loving way to call attention to the issue is to say “hey, that’s my partner you’re talking about” or “I don’t like it when you talk about my partner that way”. These moments where you remind them to be kind to themselves can open them up to their own destructive patterns, but also remind them that you are there for them and that their self-talk isn’t realistic or reflective of who they actually are as a person.
Learning to Love After
Every is going to have its own quirks and complications, but every one of them still requires that each partner contributes to making it work. Just because you or your partner suffered a does not mean that you are unworthy of love and affection. The thing to remember most is to continue working on being kind to yourself and to continue being open and honest. Healing from your past traumas may take some time but it will open you up to love in ways you may not have thought possible.
